I hope I am posting in the right place, and apologize if I'm not :s

I was reading a post on here about aversions to sex, which I have.

The problem is that my aversion to sex is due to my weight.

I am extremely overweight. I haven't always been. Since being with my partner, I have gained weight at a rapid weight.

He has never made me feel unattractive, or made me feel bad about it in any way.

My problem comes from how hard it is for me to have sex. It hurts. My body is so heavy, it is hard to lift, and it is tiring and my back hurts.

My thighs are so large it is difficult for us to perform the act of sex because he can't reach, and I can no longer be on top either.

The more I panic and try to lose weight by eating right and exercising, the more weight I seem to put on and I just don't want to have sex at all.

But I feel so guilty about it.

He never pressures me, ever. But I can see that each time I turn him down it hurts him, even though I've explained why I don't like having sex.

I'm trying to lose weight so I can have sex again but I just get more depressed and gain more weight. And I hate hurting him. I don't know what to do.

Hi Embella, welcome to Marriage Builders. Are you married?

We're just married. We've been together all up 4 years

My suggestion would be to lose the weight. Find a diet that works well for you and stick to it. That would be the best for your marriage and for your health.

It would also be good to find an exercise that is not boring for you.

Do you like stationery bikes? You could get one of them, or a treadmill, or go to a gym, and have a book set on the display or in your hands as you go. Or an Ipod ...or what-have-you.

Or maybe there is an exercise you and your husband can enjoy doing together. Working out together is a great recreational activity for a husband and wife.

Last year, my husband became engaged with me in helping me lose the weight I wanted to lose. He, like your husband, didn't really care that I was overweight. He thought I was beautiful the way I was. But I wanted to lose it for me, and asked him to help me. He became very supportive of the special diet I went on, and exercised with me on a regular basis.

The support he gave me in working out with me made a lot of lovebank deposits. I looked forward to exercising with him because of that. And, as I began to lose the weight, he found that I was becoming even more attractive to him. So it began to really benefit us both.

I lost nearly 60 lbs that way.

How much time alone together do you and your husband get each week?

BTW, you might click notify on your post and ask the moderators to move your thread to MB101. There are more people over there, and you may find you get more help.

Hi Embella,

I get the sense you feel that your H should not have to go without sex, and that is making you feel guilty and panicked, am I right?

Please feel reassured. In my marriage I had an unmet need for SF and my H was overweight, which deterred him from having the right mood.

I would have been delighted if he had gone looking for information and wanted to make changes, as you do. That would have reassured me and made me feel very patient and happy.

I don't know how you feel about kissing and flirting and other ways of being sexual. Perhaps you and your H might like that?

Dr H says a willingness to meet a need eventually can be almost as good as meeting it immediately. Think of people who lose their jobs and cannot provide financially for a while, or people whose health makes them poor company for a bit. As long as they are willing though, we still love them and will wait.

In marriage there are times when SF cannot be met due to health reasons and life situations. That's OK. People are patient when the person is willing to get back on track eventually.

Do be patient yourself and try to avoid having sex unless you really feel like it! That isn't the kind of sex he wants, I am sure he would rather you both wait until it is right. Sacrificial sex leads to aversions. Also it isn't fun for anyone.

Prisca's advice on working out together is excellent. I know that would have made me so happy in my marriage.

I used to be overweight for most of my 30s. I hated running until I saw the weight come off. It was hard for me to run so I would walk 60 sec / run 15 sec. If you want more info look up Jeff Galloway method. 24 months later I ran my best 5k in May in 29 minutes...... just a suggestion. Also, can you show him affection another way?