I can remember feeling the same way myself.


After I found MB, I realized that continuing to think about it kept me stuck in the past and did nothing to make me feel better or improve my situation. I had to change my focus to the PRESENT and the FUTURE. When I started to look back, I had to force myself to keep looking forward and to look at FWH's actions now, in the present.


It is not about pretending that it didn't happen. It is about changing your lifestyle to make it impossible to happen again and rebuilding the romantic love. It is about living in the present.

It is only an event that will scar forever if you allow that.

Stop thinking like that.

I think we have all felt this at one time or another in the recovery process, it hurts to have a part of our beliefs and peacefulness ripped from us��.but when we say those vows it is in good times and bad and this is just one of those bumps that couples that have been married forever talk about and you will too���.
Life isn't easy none of it�..but if you make sure each day feels like you want it to with your wife you will look forward to tomorrow and stop thinking about yesterday �..I am 4 years out just went pass the D-day anniversary still thought about it for I second and then move on to the day with my husband���.
I dont' like what happened and I guess I could focus on that but we are to young to give away anymore of our lives for something like this���it isn't right but you do have a choice now how the rest of your life goes��.make it count for you��I would wake up each day and love your spouse and make sure with a good solid plan together that nothing will ever hurt your future and your happiness together ever again��..some things are harder now and take more of an effort for me to move past as I am sure it is for my spouse as it is yours as well���..it may be different than what you believed but it can be better if you work together and have the connection and love you can share don't let this be a barrier you will regret �...

Did you move away from where the affair occurred?

Are you doing the homework? For example, how does your UA time stack up?

[quote=MelodyLane Are you doing the homework? For example, how does your UA time stack up? [/quote]

We should probably turn off the TV and focus on each other more in the evening. We spend allot of time together, but as you mention we probably have fallen back into some old habits.

We spend most of our time together on the weekends. We either have projects planned, recreational activities... We focused so much of our time on our family and kids that we really don't have allot of close friends, now that the kids are off doing their own thing.

That is one area we have discussed that could be improved.

I don't have my motivation back yet. Before I had 50 things going at one time, both work and family. My imagination, drive and mo-jo have been in neutral since Oct 15. 2010.

When it comes to personality types I am a Thinker, Director, Socializer. My weakness is Relator. My job is problem solving. I am really pretty good at it.

My parents divorced when I was 18. I have seen my father move from one relationship to another for years. I swore that would never happen to me. My mother was an alcoholic. She recovered and went on to run a non-profit group home for recovering alcoholics. I fought to keep my marriage at a time when my wife was reenacting scenes from the Blair Witch Project. Now that the numbing chemical has left my brain and I am getting feeling back, I need help to really move forward.

Things are better. Don't get me wrong. But they are not right yet.

Has anyone recovered without packing up and moving? If so, how?

How do you get that feeling back for your spouse after they have given themselves to another man? How do you move forward without ever looking back?

So you are aware that this program doesn't work without the UA time? Dr Harley would refuse to counsel any couple who would not do this step when he was in full time practice because he said "my program will not work without it."

Yes, that is a great reminder to remain diligent and focused on the UA time. We do spend allot of time together, but the quality of that time can be improved.

Step 1 (check).

I have had a general lethargic feeling about most everything in my life lately. It has been a put one foot in front of the other approach. It has worked, it has gotten easier, but it isn't where I want it to be yet. Any other suggestions? I promise the UA checklist is printed out and will be discussed tonight.

Here is the thing to remember. You can send 100 hours together but it won't make any difference if you are not meeting the 4 intimate emotional needs. Time at home, for example, is largely useless for most couples. And any time with others or watching tv ent count. The not effective time is out on dates. Harley recommends 4 -4 hour dates.

I couldn't agree more. 60 per cent of marriages experience infidelity and most keep it quiet - how could you possibly know he hasn't been betrayed?

I remember feeling bummed when my friend got engaged a week past D Day. That was a short while before she caught her fianc� cheating on her. We all look over garden fences enviously when unhappy but the solution is to work harder on our own yard.



You should get out of the house entirely. Plan dates. Fun ones. There's no point sitting there wishing you could turn the TV on. No matter how riveting the other person's company there are too many distractions at home.



I've heard of it being done but only when there was no chance of running into the OP or there were no triggers in that place.

For example even though I chose a personal recovery I had to make sure there were no triggers in my life for my own mental health. I didn't move but that is because all the A locations happened away from my home or in places I don't see on a day to day basis. I don't run into OW, or expect to, because of my location and workplace versus hers. So I am happy and healed.

I don't see how on earth you can recover when driving down the trigger highway every day. That will never get better, you will just become more accustomed to the misery.

Affection is my wife's #1 emotional need. How do you meet someone's emotional need when you are still hurt from their betrayal? How do you say well that was unfortunate. Wow my life turned upside down for 24 months. Now let's start meeting those needs of yours...

I've heard of it being done but only when there was no chance of running into the OP or there were no triggers in that place.

For example even though I chose a personal recovery I had to make sure there were no triggers in my life for my own mental health. I didn't move but that is because all the A locations happened away from my home or in places I don't see on a day to day basis. I don't run into OW, or expect to, because of my location and workplace versus hers. So I am happy and healed.

I don't see how on earth you can recover when driving down the trigger highway every day. That will never get better, you will just become more accustomed to the misery.[/quote]


You kind of hit that one on the head as they say. I have grown accustomed to living with the misery and it is beginning to show that I am struggling to truly recover.

No, no. Not each others TOP needs - the four INTIMATE needs. These are intimate conversation, affection, SF and RC.

A woman may have a top need for FS, but she won't think much of cash instead of a date. You have to date and meet the intimate needs to be in love.

Some people have an issue with SF early on in recovery. Or some of the others. But these are the needs which give the biggest bang for your buck. They will recover you both better than any other.

If you have a problem meeting a specific need, focus on what you can do. You can have fun recreation with your wife can't you? Talk? What are you doing there otherwise?



How else can you recover? It's like a physical therapy patient saying "How can you expect me to try walking again! I was just in a car accident!"

The therapist would simply say they can't ever expect to walk again unless they get up and practice.

You kind of hit that one on the head as they say. I have grown accustomed to living with the misery and it is beginning to show that I am struggling to truly recover.



[/quote]

I kicked my husband out, so obviously it is easier for me to create a trigger-free life than those in marital recovery.

However there is no way I could live near the A locations. Not even though I am on my own. Absolutely no way.

It will always be the greatest pain - the biggest wound I ever received. Dr H isn't kidding when he compares it to rape. I would never want to be near a daily reminder of what I went through.

[quote=indiegirl How else can you recover? It's like a physical therapy patient saying "How can you expect me to try walking again! I was just in a car accident!"

The therapist would simply say they can't ever expect to walk again unless they get up and practice. [/quote]


I understand the PT analogy, but I would be self motivated to walk again and it probably wasn't my ww that ran me over.

In my head I know why I don't want to be divorced. I have seen that from my father and it is not what I want for me. It seems more like a bad or worse option. How do you motivate yourself for the bad option when you still feel vulnerable? I sit and talk with my wife and feel that she gets it. Then I am driving home from work and the OH [censored] that sucks feeling hits. How do you get the 'wow I can't wait for PT' feeling?

I understand the PT analogy, but I would be self motivated to walk again and it probably wasn't my ww that ran me over.

In my head I know why I don't want to be divorced. I have seen that from my father and it is not what I want for me. It seems more like a bad or worse option. How do you motivate yourself for the bad option when you still feel vulnerable? I sit and talk with my wife and feel that she gets it. Then I am driving home from work and the OH [censored] that sucks feeling hits. How do you get the 'wow I can't wait for PT' feeling?


[/quote]

Eliminate your triggers!!!!!

You just said it yourself... Talking to your wife you feel fine, so long as she gets it and is being helpful. But when DRIVING HOME FROM WORK, you don't feel as good.

Triggers. Your wife isn't triggering you, the A locations are.

The way I see it, the affair-spouse is a different creature than the post-affair-spouse. The drug-level influence over them is rather visible during the A. When they no longer have that influence, they act different and they are no longer a trigger.

It's like if a spouse stabs you as an unexpected side effect of a medication which drugged them. You won't fear them, or be triggered by them, if you know they are definitely off it.

How do you meet that EN? You meet that EN. This is the reason you have not recovered. You are not meeting each others EN's so you are in a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage. It will just get worse.

Like Dr Harley said: "my program doesn't work without this step."

See, you are waiting for a magic feeling to attack you against your will. That will never happen because feelings follow actions. Your actions won't allow any feelings to develop.

Initially you use your intelligence to override your feelings. You do this until the feelings come. You have poor marriage habits and your marriage won't change until your habits change.

The #1 piece of advice that I keep getting is to move in order to eliminate the triggers.

My wife did not leave the affair, She told me that she was going to get breast implants and that if I said no, that we would get a divorce. At that point I told her she was having an affair and that it had to stop. She looked at me stone faced and said "no I am not". One week later I found the email evidence and she spent the next few hours denying it, before she finally gave me a small piece of the truth.

The OG was the owner of the company she worked for. She had worked there for 25 years. I found MB website the first weekend. I told ww that if she left the company I would work to forgive her. She did not leave. At one point I told her she would have to move out. She did so. Moved to her parents house. Spent 1 hour on the telephone with OG and then came running home asking for forgiveness.

I was told for 4 - 6 weeks that it was over, they had a strictly professional relationship and that everything was back to normal. Well MB Forum convinced me within 5 minutes to visit the OG wife and break the news to her.

I boarded a plane on a business trip to AZ 3 months later. I told WW that if she didn't quit her job that she needed to be out of the house by the time I got home. We spent hours on the telephone while I was traveling. She finally agreed to quit her job. Of course it had to be delayed several weeks because of a co-workers plan to have their wisdom teeth pulled. I agreed.

She finally quit her job. Spent the new few weeks on the bedroom floor grieving the loss of the OG. I spent the next few months with anxiety attacks every time we drove past any one of 20 triggers, including the OG's new gas station they built 3 blocks from my house.

I am sure there are dozens of similar horror stories. I guess what I am hearing is that I am struggling to go to PT and learn to walk again. I need to understand why I don't have the motivation to tell my wife that she looks beautiful in the morning before work. I need to understand why I am going through the motions and not able to engage in our marriage. I need to ask Goose for help - bad Top Gun reference.