THG12, you don't need Steve to tell you to move. You know it would be the best thing to do. Every person on this forum who moved is very glad they did because it absolutely transformed their marriage. The new problems it might create are minor in comparison to living and breathing the trauma of an affair.

I don't know anyone in 12 years on this board who wasn't happy they moved afterwards.

If you need someone to tell you to move, why not write Dr. Harley? He gives this advice all the time.

Morality does not stop people from having affairs. Most of the people we meet here are very moral in all other areas of their lives. They know that adultery is wrong. Not that you are to blame for her affair, but your traveling job just made it more tempting. It made adultery tempting because you were not there to meet her needs. Your separation created an emotional detachment that made her vulnerable to an affair. She was a starving woman who was presented with a buffet. And she couldn't resist the temptation.

I agree that empathy is a good idea, but it won't solve your problem. The solution to your problem is to create a happy, romantic marriage TODAY. When you do that, your mind will not wander to the past. When you are happy in the present, you are not thinking of the past.

If you are spending 20+ hours of UA time with your wife and doing all the right things to create a happy marriage, you might have to accept that you are going to have to move.

I hate to see you struggle like this knowing what a true recovery looks like. You can have that. Have you thought about signing up for the MB program and taking that route? That program is supervised by Dr Harley and you would have daily access to him.

MelodyLane - We are working on the UA time. Yes, it does help,

I really do not know if moving is the best thing to do. Honest. I realize it may be the best thing for others, but not for me.

I know that I feel much better when I am out of town. I get that. But, I am the one who counseled my father and later my mother (divorced when I was 18) not to move to Florida and Arizona. I suggested they rent winter homes and keep a downsized residence in our hometown. They both moved and they are both back living in town.

When I was 20 - 21 I lived in Dallas, TX for 2 years. I had a great job, enjoyed the city, but moved back 'home'. A friend even joked that I spent so much time traveling when I was young that I would be the one that lives in our hometown. He was right. Most of my close friends have moved away. I am back living in the community where I grew up. Renovated a 1940's house and made it our home.

When you told me to get off my duff and tell the OM's - wife and expose to the world I took action within 5 minutes. I got out of my desk chair and drove to her house. I knew in my heart it was the right thing no questions asked.

This is different. I can definitely see the positives for me, but one of the big contributing factors to the infidelity was that our children had both left the house and were in college. It wasn't as much me traveling for work as it was my wife didn't have the kids to look after. She was lonely.

So now to solve the trigger problem I am going to create another problem. I am not sure that I will be happy living somewhere else.

I look to Steve because he has coached us the past 3 years. I realize he doesn't have all of the answers, but he has never even suggested that we move. He commented that you need to have a support system if you decide to move.

So what you are saying is that while I was tempted to have sex with a young attractive women and refused temptation, it was different than my wife because my EN's were still being met.

I was away from my wife as long as she was away from me. I was the one who would get out of be at 2:00 AM to catch flights and work 12 hour days while jet-lagged. Yes, I get it we made a decision that left the door open, but someone - the person that got into bed with me each night still had to decide to make the first inappropriate comment, text message, email...

That is why I am suggesting getting Dr Harley's perspective. This is a tactic he has recommended to many people over the years and it has been very successful. I understand the loss of the support system, but the benefits from moving vastly compensates for that. Not that you have to live in the same town to get support. You don't.

I am very alarmed that you are this far out from DDay and not doing better than this. Dr Harley would tell you that recovery is not complete. You should be doing better.

How about emailing Dr Harley and telling him about your situation to get his perspective? It is free. You can write him at the radio show and he will even call you if you give your phone #. [you don't have to go on the radio show] http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

What did you think about my suggestion to sign up for the online program? Many of us here have gone through this and almost all of us have great marriages today. They assign you a trained MB coach who contacts you weekly to go through your lessons. Your progress is supervised by Dr Harley and you have access to him over on the private forum. My H and I went through this in 2007 and it really made a huge difference.

I agree - recovery is not complete. I am not sure if it is because it too so long for my wife to really work on our recovery and there was a false recovery to start, if I cannot accept what has happened or if it is because there are so many triggers in my life every day.

I will email Dr. Harley and look at the MB on-line program.

THG --

Have you and your wife done the basic questionnaires?

Do you know what her top emotional needs are?

I see that you are still struggling with the "why" question.

For example: If you come to understand that "Conversation" and "Admiration" are her two most important needs -- it might help you to understand her addiction. If you were absent, and not tending to those needs, it left the door open for OM. If he paid her a compliment, or had a really focused conversation with her -- it left her wanting more. It might have seemed innocent to her at first, but she probably started seeking him out to get more of her "fix".

We can discuss more if you know what her top ENs are.

One of the great things about the online program is that they can motivate a reluctant spouse to get on board. Or it may be a matter of you and your wife missing certain parts of the program. My H and I went through the MB course in 2007 and found out we were missing major components of the program. [the POJA] They identified that right away. Once we filled in the gaps, our marriage took off in a new direction and we have been happier in the past 5 years than we have EVER BEEN. Our MB coach helped us identify and eliminate the missing parts in our recovery. That made all the difference.

In our case, moving also made a dramatic difference. I just did not realize how my old house had a cloud of sadness until we moved. And keep in mind, the OW never set foot in my state. I just associated that house with the sadness I felt when I discovered the affair.

To Lexxy's point, the EN's that should be focused on are the intimate emotional needs because those are the ones that will make the greatest lovebank deposits the fastest. In order to create romantic love, those top 4 needs should be met 15-25 hours per week giving each other undivided attention.

Those needs are: conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.

I sent the following email to MB Radio:

Greetings Bill and Joyce,

Thank you for the work that you do to help rebuild marriages after infidelity and most importantly the proactive efforts to build strong marriages.

I found your website in mid-October 2010 after discovering my wife of 24 years had been living a secret second life for 6 months and had an affair with the owner of the company where she had worked for more than 25 years.

We have been working with Steve Harley via telephone coaching and he has helped us in the recovery process. At this point Steve is pointing to me and saying - Tom your wife has done what she needs to for recovery the rest is up to you. I am still struggling to accept what has happened and do not feel driven to meet her top emotional need - affection.

A recent book that I read suggests that obsessive thinking is a means to avoid true feelings. I have been working to stop the obsessive thoughts and the feeling that has emerged is anger. I am mad!

My father left my mother when I was 18 and I watched as he went from one 18 month to 24 month relationship after another. The flood of awesome would soon be filled with the dread of ending.

My true feeling is that recovery from infidelity is bad and divorce is worse, but we are still struggling to fully recover.

The people on MB forum believe that we should pack up and move away from the triggers that are keeping me in this state of misery. Steve hasn't ever suggested moving. He said if we ever decided to move a strong support system would be required. I have been so negatively impacted by the devastation that my performance at work has suffered and I lost my job of 25 years. Besides divorce I also witnessed my father jump from job to job and vowed not to be in his shoes. It took me 8 weeks of job searching and I had received 5 very good job offers. I declined 2 jobs that would have required us to move.

My children have just moved back to the area. One to attend law school and the second just started her first job after graduating college and playing division one athletics back east.

I feel like Austin Powers in that I have lost my MO-JO. I have gone from someone with a zest for life leading the creation of non-profits and a successful global director role for a fortune 250 company to someone who doesn't have plans for next weekend.

What are your suggestions to complete our recovery from adultery?

Sounds good!

Also, if you didn't include your phone # I would send it along so they can call you.

Yes - I actually found the EN questionnaire on-line and we completed it within a week of DDay.

Her top EN's are affection, admiration and sexual fulfillment.

She grew up in a house where her father ran a grocery store and was at work 7 days a week. She and her sister ignored each other. When we started dating they rarely spoke to each other. Mom didn't know what to do to fix it.

I was warned by my neighbor when I was dating her that "she get's around". She has admitted to sleeping with 15 - 20 guys in the 2 - 3 years before we were married so that she would feel loved.

When I left town on a business trip in late 2010, I told my wife that she either had to leave her job or we would legally separate. While I was gone her parents were at our house counseling her to keep her job. She left the job, but then needed 6 - 8 weeks before leaving because her co-worker was going to have his wisdom teeth removed.

Steve Harley really helped with the recovery, but at first she would sit on the phone with her arms crossed and not saying anything. It took her months to begrudgingly agree to donate her bike, golf clubs and other things that were part of the infidelity.

So yes to answer your question Admiration, affection and sexual fulfillment are the top 3.

The email included our telephone number

Going to chat with Dr. Harley and Joyce Harley on the MB Radio program on Monday. I am interested to hear what suggestions they have.

So what did you think of the advice you received?
Radio Clip of THG12's Show
Segment #2
Segment #3

major yankee accent!!!

Dr. Harley: "I would have suggested you move after one year. That is something I would most certainly do. I think you have to do that."

"I attribute your anger to the triggers."

"Give it your best shot while you are looking for another place to stay."

"Not moving is killing your recovery."

"I'd get as far away from him [OM] as I could."

Several reactions to Dr. Harley's advice.

1. It was apparent early on that my hometown started to feel too small and that there was a strong sense of relief every time that I traveled out of the area.

2. My wife's first reaction when we listened to the replay was silence. Hours of silence. Followed by the comment that if we had to move she would be filled with resentment having to leave her young adult children (22/24) behind.

3. A bit confused that after several telephone coaching sessions with Steve Harley, he never once suggested that we move.

So, are you going to move?

MelodyLane - Are you referring to Dr. Harley's Minnesota accent or my Wisconsin accent? I should have included a few ya-aaaal's for our friends from the south ;-)

In the "Give it your best shot while you are looking for another place to stay" category, I was traveling last week back east for work. I came to a mini-realization that one of my recovery roadblocks (besides the triggers) is that she treated our kids, pets and OG better than she treats me and that whenever there is the slightest judgment of her intentions she flips out. End of story.

We had a 1 hour drive Sunday morning and she brought our new book from Dr Harley (courtesy of MB Radio) He Wins, She Wins. She asked if she should read it out loud and I said yes, but first I wanted to discuss something. My comment was the mini-realization from my trip. I said something about how the double standard makes me feels. That while we are working out the move or no move issue it would help me if she would simply treat me the same as the kids.

Needles to say that went over like a lead-balloon. I was judging her again. Instead of focusing on what makes me happy, I was talking about what she doesn't do. Remainder of the day from hell followed by morning from hell.

I will give just one example. While working with Steve Harley a couple of years ago he suggested we pay for lie detection services, for obvious reasons. I suggested it. Wife flipped out - oh no, no way, I am not going to sit in a chair and have some stranger ask me...weeks later we hire lie detection services.

Her instant reaction is how it impacts her. Now if the kids were involved, totally different story. The response would have been something like - when can we do it.

I suggested that our recovery would go much faster and smoother if the first thought she had was "How will this impact my spouse" instead of this won't feel good for me. Again lead-balloon and she walks out the door "I am not happy".

Any suggestions for the short term?

THG, those of us who are familiar with Dr Harley's work knew that he would tell you to move since that is the obvious answer. Many of us have moved with great results. Sure, we were not thrilled at first, but all of us were extremely grateful we did because it made such an amazing difference in our marriages and quality of life.

I also have a grown son that we left behind and I talk to him on the phone, facebook or PM daily. We see each other every other month in person by visiting each other. She won't miss her kids if she talks to them every day. You don't have to live in the same town to have frequent contact with someone.

Stop making disrespectful judgements of your wife.