I'd never thought it get to this point. Im the type who try's to find solutions and implements them. I knew our relationship was going sour but nothing I'm doing or have done has worked.

I'm married for 14 months and my wife has demanded a separation.(not legal yet) ive moved out.

Background info. We have been struggling in our relationship since the beginning. It seems that none of the premarital tools were working. would want to share feelings, dreams thoughts, goals, etc... She didn't feel comfortable. She has been emotionally withdrawn/ unempathetic for a long time. I've tried various methods in which to open the doors to her heart but to no avail. It seems that my honesty/openness was just ammo to gather for her weapons inside her defense. And she sees them as an all out assault on her character to the point that she no longer trusts or feels safe around me.

For the past 2.5 years I've been driving on average 70 miles/2-3hours a day from work to home(we lived next door to eachother until marriage). For the last 14 months I've started a new general construction business with no help.(I bend nails and paperwork) She has been a student but not completely full time(it's a very comfortable pace by normal standards).

I've found that life is better sober. I've had a couple of drunk days in the year but the other 363 days...I've given it up because it only causes problems. I've been trying to quit chewing and that has been hard...she's dealt with my crankyness as I've relapsed because of my weakness but I've recently been chew free for about a month. Pot on very blue moons only and no other inhibitors.

She uses pot several times daily. And drinks sometimes. She also has a best friend who is toxic to me. She has two kids no job and babies daddy is in jail. Doesn't want a job and drags my wife into all of her business. My wife doesn't respect our marriage enough to set boundaries for their relationship...that's a whole other discussion.

I love my wife very much but she has completely detached from our relationship since our honeymoon. I thought things would fall in to place. In order to make any money I need to work a lot especAilly since we were broke to begin with. I work 8-12 hours and drive for about 2-3hours on top of that. Plus paperwork,emails, etc... I understand I could slow down but I want to get ahead for us...so I'm comfortable I have enough money to provide for her and us. The kicker is since the beginning I've come home to an empty house 75% of them time. I've told her that at the end of the day I want to hang out with her. I don't care if dinner is cooking it's her I want to talk with and enjoy. But sadly, she didnt hear me when I said I feel alone, isolated, abandoned especially when it seems that she's been having fun all day and too much to come home and spend time together. I'm tired and stressed out and she sees me an immediately thinks I'm angry and avoids me or prevokes me.

She then proceeds to tell me that I'm the only one who cAn make me feel this way. I ask for help and she's gone. I'm alone, I'm sick of making the drive and long days working, I need to cook now... Without saying it she liked the idea of a husband but not committing to the relationship.

She uses me like a check book and gives me nothing in return. No thank you, no respect, just flack if I open my mouth. Ive asked her if we can start a budget so that we can use our money effectively and she was In an outrage about doing it. She just wants to have money in the account and spend freely.(no proper budgeting) I've implemented a cash budget and she's completely divorced the idea of helping manage our funds and just doing everything by herself.

She has recently been seeing a counselor and not sharing a dime of information with me.(I don't expect her to) but I've see. No change in her except that she is pulling faster away. Keep in mind with no exaggeration she uses pot several times daily. I have asked her to stop/slow because I think it's negatively effecting our marriage. She claims it doesn't. The counselor(or so she says) doesn't want to meet us both to work things out...maybe that's her not wanting to try?

There have been something's ive done to her in which only god knows my heart...and she uses to justify her position. she keeps a record of all of my wrongs and it seems nothing I can do can eclipse the bad. I've apologized for them saying it was wrong behavior or actions. But in all honesty I feel that's all she's focused on because she's expressed that she feels I'm against her...because I want her home and she wants to be out, because I want us to have control of our money so we can get out of the hole, because my actions have caused her to lose trust and safety, because I said to please stop smoking so much pot. Because I've Asked her to change.

I asked for a solution...she only had one: to separate. Not counseling(too much effort maybe)(or with both of us there she might be exposed?)

She calls me a narcissist, bordline personality disorder, manic, angry...she won't listen to me and if she does she thinks I'm lying and justifying exactly how I want it to manipulate and control her. She screams I'm crazy...she ignores cards, flowers, dinners, any form of marital counseling help.

I'm at wits end. I want her to just be real and not high or influenced by her [censored] friend. I want the young lady I first met. I want that love I know she's capable of giving. I want her to want to see me. I want her to feel safe. I want her to trust me. I want her to respect me for just 10mins. But sadly I feel as if she's hardened her heart and grown cold and the last time I'll see her is in a court room.

No expert here but perhaps maybe try to schedule 15 to 20 hours of time. Do all the things you both use to do early on and before.
I was just reading HnHn's domestic support chapter and first 3 pages story made me think how one person's care leaves and the other's follows.

Welcome to MB. Sorry for the pain that has brought you here.


Would you mind to tell us exactly what you're referring to here? If she feels unsafe or deeply hurt, this could have caused her to pull away...it's a natural reaction to emotional pain. Apologies are not as helpful as a plan to overcome whatever the hurtful behavior was - then she'll know it'll never happen again, and she'll be able to open up to you.


This is a problem. Women desire their marriages to be a true partnership, and this can rarely be achieved when one spouse works this much. Spending 15-20 hours giving each other undivided attention every week is a necessary foundation for a happy marriage. She may feel that you're putting your work before your relationship with her.

Would she be willing to fill out a questionnaire? There are many free resources on the MB website, and I'd suggest beginning with the "Marital Problem Analysis" under the questionnaires section. This will allow her to tell you exactly what is threatening your marriage, and you'll be able to develop a plan to fix it.

Hi and thanks for the responses/help.

After reading marriage builders website and seeing that I need to dedicate more time... It's a little more complicated. I do try to plan dinners, movie nights, dates, hanging out alone with my wife...after work and on weekends. But she says she is working out, doing something with her leach friend, busy. My wife doesn't try to or want to make time for me.

Additional info:
She suggested marriage counseling. I declined saying we could with the bible, open communication and a plan work it out without a therapist. She said we couldn't and decided to go to a therapist for marriage counseling...he hasn't requested in 4 sessions to bring me in and meet... Our last face to face conversation sounded very coached and planned when she listed off my report card, suicide, and a separation. (Mind you she has used pot several time today) she says it's marriage counseling...I say its personal therapy but I will go to marriage counseling I don't want to separate...she said my therapist said you'd react like this.

The list of bad things:
1. She says she doesn't like who I am when I come home from work. She says I'm angry and crazy. I explain how much stress I'm under, to please let me unwind before you say I'm angry I've have a long day I just want to relax. She persists(if she's home) and I usually quit talking and go to bed because I don't want it to escalate into an argument which it does sometimes because I'm sick of hearing I'm angry and want to hear hi honey it's nice to see you(haven't heard that since we were wed no joke)
2 I came home from work. Took a shower. Hopped out she started picking zits on me. I told her kindly but firm I don't feel like being picked on. She persisted. I again more firm I don't feel like being picked on don't pick on me.( I'm up against the sink and a wall in a corner) I felt her touch my back again so I used my elbow to knock her hand away(so I thought I couldn't see) turns out it was her jaw. My initial reaction was you got what you deserved. I realized my initial reaction was an accident and I would never have intentionally hit my wife. I thought it was her hand and I sincerely apologized. She was furious she said I was no longer picking I was plucking its different. I can't believe you hit me. Honey it was an accidilent I didn't see it was your face, you also didn't listen or pick up on my body language. She takes it as abuse and I know in my heart it was an accident(despitey initial reaction to learning that it's wasn't her hand I'd hit) she still couldn't admit to any wrong doing on her part.
3. She chose to be with her leach friend on her birthday. (5day trip camping with leach friends family and two kids) it was a quick decision like the day before her friend left she chose to go. I wasn't happy. I wanted her to stay I had birthday plans...not any more. She knew the following weekend I had a family reunion. We bought some seafood and preplanned hey let's stop by the reunion on the way back. No I'm feeling sick. We went home and I said if it's ok I'm going up there for a half hour. Stuck to the time. When I got home she was gone. She was riding bikes with her leach friend. I was floored. I thought she was sick and she lied. I needed help cooking her dinner...I wanted to hang out with her while we cooked but she had expected to come back when it was done. She was spending time on a make up birthday with her friend again!!! I confronted her and she berated me about being selfish...in considerated. I lost it which I shouldn't have. I pointed out how messed up this is. I took a walk came back and apologized and explained that I feel that you chose me last.

My frustration comes from her not being home when I get home. From telling me that my lonliness is my problem and I'm the one making myself feel this way as she walks out the door.

She smokes everyday and everyday hangs out with her "friend" who enables the heavy smoking and time away from the marriage. She calls me sensitive and leaves. I try to be nice but when it's an almost every day thing it's tough.

You two have a lot to learn on how to have a good marriage. Personal therapy is going to be a waste of time because it won't focus on what either of you need. You need to learn how to care for each other.

You both seem to have a lot of LoveBuster behaviors and obviously need a plan to move you in the right direction.

She wants marriage counseling. I suggest you try a MB counselor. The counseling is by phone, is very convenient and EXTREMELY effective. Most marriage counselors and personal therapists have no idea how to save a marriage. I'm quite certain the ones you are using now do not.

SO I suggest starting there.

In the meantime you should continue to research the materials offered by Dr Harley. The website is very helpful but it will prove more effective if you get a couple of his books.

For now I suggest you get your hands on LoveBusters as quickly as possible and the two of you go through the book together. If you can stop hurting each other than you may find it�s easier to be together which will make it easier to meet each other�s emotional needs.

I will start with something you can focus on. You had a stressful day at work. That is work. You leave work at work. When you get home your home should be a place of relief and relaxation. When you get home you put on a different shirt, so to speak. You come home pleasant and engaged. She shouldn�t be unhappy to see you when you arrive so you do what you can to ensure she is happy to see you.

She has her side of the street to clean up just as you do. So focus on the things you can do and stop finger pointing what she does that upsets you. If you are angry in any way you need to lose that IMMEDIATELY.

FYI: There are no accidents. If you don�t lose your temper you don�t swing your elbow. Got it? You should apologize to your W for the way in which you reacted. A nice alternative would have been to turn around, gently grab her hands and explain your position. Anger has no place in a M.

Thank you for the help. I really appreciate it.

She smokes dope every day?
There will be no improvement if she chooses drugs over her marriage.

File for divorce, have the police sieze the drugs and move on.

An addict will always choose the drug