Ok folks I'm looking for a little help here..........Is it ok to text an old boyfriend (real Old)???
Quick Background, discovered an affair between my wife and a co-worker back in 2000, it took about 8 months for contact to end. I worked my but off in our marriage. We had a baby girl some 4 years later (it was suppose to be the major issue) we have 2 older boys together. Everything seemed on track up until about 2 years ago while on a family Vac I observed a text from an Ex Boyfriend from her teenage years, some 30 years ago. I explained to her how that bothered me and made me feel uncomfortable, in turn her reply was "he's an old friend, and you have nothing to worry about" another word I'm not going to stop talking to him.......I let the dice roll, and all seems ok, granted she is not the most affectionate women.
Ok present day about 2 weeks ago I came across some texts from the Ex on her IPAD, just every day banter. Nothing romantic, just what are you doing this weekend and stuff.....so I keep eyes on and this seems to be going on going. So far every few days they are in contact.....the most damaging piece i have seen is the ex text "I heard a song and I thought of you" Puke! And my wife "sing a few verses" other then that just daily whats going on stuff......kind of how we would talk with another person at work.......So I bring this to her attention 3 days ago and very matter of fact she saids he's just a friend much like other friends I talk to (she's retired and keeps in touch with some old work friends both male & female...I go on to explain this appears different....more emotional....I wouldn't talk to an Ex every few days.....gave some examples of maybe liking or commenting on a pic on facebook but not texting ur Ex every few days. So she reassures me there is nothing going on he is an old friend she enjoys chatting with and he lives far away (I guess not like the last one)....You know the deal, she justifies it very matter of fact in many different ways.....I go on to say its a huge trigger for me and I its not healthy for our marriage...she replies there you go blowing every thing out of proportion....I said did you initiate some of the texts and she agreed she did.....but wasn't honest in how often they chat (2-3 times a week) she said maybe once......she went on to say very angry i might add that what do you want me to do, tell him my husband doesn't want me to talk to him and a few other statements like that including telling me I'm just being jealous. I didn't reply she walked away and went on like nothing happened. Last few days have been quiet almost like nothing has transpired between us. Today I see that the Ex has asked about thawing a turkey (i'm guessing he is divorced but I never asked) she replied, and they went on to have another banter about another topic....
OK I know the answer but I just want to make sure I'm not crazy and this is not NORMAL!!! She is involved in an emotional affair correct???? And where do i go from here??? Thank You-Thank You-Thank You!!!!!!

She has to end contact with him. This is not appropriate nor respectful to your marriage.

Do you account for her time? Has she had chances to meet him in person?

Will12,

Was the OMW, other mans wife, told what happened from the affair from 2000?

God Bless
Gamma

OK I guess this is not normal then????

Yes, she has not met with him, I have seen convo's where he said we will have to meet one day and she changes the subject....

Back in 2000, No I didn't want to destroy the OMW Life, this was my wife's choice not hers and her kids.....I feel every dawg has his day, and I'm sure the OM will have his.......Not that I dont think about it after the fact....You always run the chance of having your wife run off to him if you destroy there marriage...You must think everything through....and now I see expect the unexpected....They are wired different that's for sure.

C'mon 31 Views and only 2 posts!!!!!!!
So I told her to stop contact and nothing yet, so now what???

Trust me she acts totally engaged at home & Marriage nothing like the first one where she was in the fog Big Time!!!

You should explain to her how inappropriate opposite sex relationships are and ask her to stop. This is how almost all affairs start and it doesn't look like your wife has changed anything in all these years. Step one in recovering from an affair is affair proofing your marriage. That was not done 13 yrs ago but you can do it now.

I am also sad to see that you did not expose to the OM's wife in your wife's affair. If her bookkeeper were stealing her money would you use the same excuse to not tell her?

Read this article:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_OSFriend.html

Will12,

Back in 2000, No I didn't want to destroy the OMW Life, this was my wife's choice not hers and her kids....

The point is that you did not destroy OMW life, it is the OM who did, and is likely still doing the same thing now. Please do the OMW an enormous favor and tell her the truth about her marriage. This is also one of the consequences your WW has to live with, there appears to have been no cost to her prior affair.

God Bless
Gamma

Hey Thanks for the replies gang!

Unfortunately I was unable to go to OMW due to all 3 of us careers at the time(long story). I was also working with a counselor and a joint marriage counselor who suggested the same (not to go to his wife). I was able to bring it out in the open with family, friends, and me speaking with the OM.
So I agree she only payed for the upset she caused with her family, friends and my family and our children. (She didn't get to see the OM deal with his mess, not that I think she would have cared much anyway)

Thanks for the links, all great info!

So again I spoke with her the other day about the newest EA with her Ex, and just looking for a course of action. Sit and wait to see if it dies it's own death now that she knows I'm all eyes or take a harder approach?

Have you read His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters by Dr. Harley? Both books provide a framework for affair-proofing your marriage and building a lasting, romantic relationship.

I would also suggesting reading all the articles that Dr. Harley links on this site.

Your wife needs to establish proper boundaries, and you need to insist on them as a condition of marriage.

If you read the books and articles, and you can get your wife on board, you have a chance at renewing your marriage. I would also recommend counseling with the Harley's for both of you.

Don't sit and wait. Your wife's contact with the OM must end. Demand that she stop, and contact the other man and tell him to lay off.

Will,

So again I spoke with her the other day about the newest EA with her Ex, and just looking for a course of action. Sit and wait to see if it dies it's own death now that she knows I'm all eyes or take a harder approach?

Since you don't have many posts I sampled your old posts and if I understand correctly.

*your WW tortured you and your children for years

*the OM tortured you and your children for years with your WW

*your WW never gave an apology or showed remorse, and has remained in a wayward mindset.

*your WW never gave you a full and detailed confession. Did you ever get a polygraph for your WW.

*your WW continues to have poor boundries while she continues to befriend men

You need to man up, and expose the OM1 and OM2 to their BWs as a first step in your reclaiming your manhood.

God Bless
Gamma

That is a pathetic excuse to not inform your wife's other victim. There is absolutely no excuse not to the inform the other betrayed spouse of the affair. This is a huge reason why your wife has never changed. How could she, when she never made even indirect amends to the other victim? As long as the OM's wife doesn't know, your wife will always be free to pursue that path again.

Dr. Harley, clinical psychologist and author of Marriage Builders is adamant that the other betrayed spouse is informed of the affair.

Have you ever considered actually USING Marriage Builders so you don't have to deal with her serial cheating? I am flabbergasted that any person would CHOOSE to live like this?

Why do you live like this?