So, an update with, of course, more questions.

Caught the wife lying to me about who she was talking to on facebook on thursday night while she was having her usual drunken party at our house. She was talking to a married man that lives in our neighborhood while claiming to be talking to one of her girlfriends. Later that night, she got upset with me, told me she needed time to think without anyone there and asked me to go somewhere else for the night. I obliged, grabbed some clothes and left, trying to avoid a big fight with her since she was drunk. With nowhere to go at 3 in the morning, I drove around for an hour and something told me to go by the house. Lo and behold, the guy she was talking to was parked in the court near our house. As I drove up, he drove off, wouldn't stop. I thought I'd caught her cheating so I walked into the house but she was asleep. The guy was on facebook so I commented on his status, asking why he was in front of my house at 3am. At 4, my wife called me saying his wife had called her, asking what was going on. She wanted me to take the posts down because she didn't want a "rumor" started. The guy answered my post with a private message about how he was just there to walk across a field to a friend's place. The next afternoon, she called me and asked me to come home so we could talk, said it was going to be a good talk. The conversation started with her asking me why I had acted crazy the night before. I told her how I had caught her in the lie and then caught the guy in front of our house and she agreed I wasn't crazy but still says nothing is going on. We then talked about her hiding facebook, her complete indifference to our marriage and the fact that she is unwilling to commit to wanting our marriage to work. She admitted to lying about who she was talking to but still refused to give me her password or show me the messages, claiming some things were hers, some things were ours and facebook was hers. She also agreed that she is giving 0% to our relationship, isn't interested in giving any more than 0% and isn't willing to stop drinking, partying or talking on facebook all the time.

Friday night I executed plan B. At 5 this morning she sent me a few angry messages about how I'm not much of a man for leaving with giving her money or talking to her and telling her I was leaving. I've talked to our intermediary, and he is prepared for the job.

Now that I'm in plan B, do I still pay the bills for the household? She has no job, our three kids are going to be there. I'm sure I should provide food but I guess I'm one of the few whose spouse is a SAHM that still has to plan B so I haven't seen a lot of specifics on my situation. Do I pay her car payment? If I am supposed to pay the bills, do I eliminate the creature comforts like cable, internet access, etc?

Where do I draw the financial line?

First off. You didn't execute plan A. You should go home and tell her to leave! By giving her space your enabling her affair (she's lieing like we already said.. Prepare for trickle truth)

You need to protect your kids from this OM. No one in their right mind "goes acorss the field" at 3am then drives off when he was discovered then FB mdg you som BS story. You are being gas lighted.

Take her phone away. If you pay for it stop enabling her behaviour. Leave the pc for her to use since its keylogged. You will get all her passwords.

Go home... Demand she end all contact with om and be transparent 100% or she can leave and leave the kids there too.

By leaving the home that's abandonment. Won't look good in court.

I suggest this thread be moved to survivng an affair. And go home and begin plan A.

What stay at home mother has time to stay up partying all night and chatting with men AND take care of the kids?

Sir, you need to get BACK IN YOUR HOME because I suspect your children are being neglected in her care alone. How are you going to explain to the courts that you left your kids in her care when you admit she is on facebook 12 hours and drinking/partying?

You are on a one-way track to lose custody if this ends in divorce if you don't take a stand now.

You should not abandon your family in their time of need. You should go home. Many courts frown on men who abandon their families.

I would go home and start exposing her affair with this married man using the tactics outlined in my exposure thread. I don't care about the lies and excuses given by your wife and her boyfriend. You caught the man at your house in the middle of the night, for crying out loud.

You are making serious strategic mistakes and need to start listening to the posters here.

I have notified the mods to move this thread to surviving an affair.

Do you have keylogger on her computer? Obviously, showing you this stuff is ruse because even the dumbest wayward knows how to erase the incriminating evidence.

You should not allow her to have parties at your home. I would put a stop to this now. You are a responsible adult who should not allow this kind of behavior in your children's home.

until yesterday, I didn't think there was an affair, not sure there is still. I caught the guy in his car and I immediately confronted my wife to find her fast asleep with no signs that she had been anything but asleep.

I can't stop the parties. The WW and all of her friends know that we are having problems. She believes, and has convinced all of her friends, that I am the problem, I am trying to stop her from having fun and I'm the [censored]**le.

They don't know she is an addict with an alcohol abuse problem, was in recovery from a past affair until 2 months ago when she abandoned the rules and started talking to male friends, going out without me, etc.

She won't leave, won't stop any of the behaviors, her friends won't stop coming over even when I'm an [censored] about it.

Should I pull the kids out with me?

No keylogger. Had one, but it popped up the next day when she got on and blew that plan out of the water. Now all her stuff is done on her phone, which never leaves her side (24hrs). Should I cancel her phone service? data plan?

So I'm guessing I've really screwed this up now. Thinking the drinking, partying and fb'ing was it. I've pm'd the potential OM's spouse with what I saw and what his explanation was. Maybe she will be able to uncover proof.

How do I get my plan back on track?

First off, you should go home. You should tell her the parties are over and if ppl show up at your home, ask them to leave. If they don't leave you can call the police.

I would move all of your money to a safe place and get your check deposit changed to another account so she doesn't plunder your account. Then cancel her phone service.

I would let her know that this destructive behavior is going to lead to divorce and ask her to stop. You might want to look into your options about leaving with the kids, but I would first ask her to move out if she insists on a separation.

I think you should inform this potential OM's wife of your wife's previous affair, and make sure she understands that you are seeing the same red flags now that you saw then (secretive, excessive FB, etc). I would then ask her to put spyware on her husband's computer and cell phone, and possibly a GPS on his car. If she does, she should be able to find out rather quickly if her husband is having an affair with your wife.

I suspect she will be receptive to the idea since she responded so quickly and directly when you asked her husband why he was in front of your house at 3am. (For her to have called your wife at 4am, she must have been awake and on FB during the middle of the night. She may have been wondering where her husband was.) Obviously, she didn't hesitate to suspect or confront your wife when she saw your FB post. That bodes well.

Ok, two hours ago, I sent the OM's wife a message. She broke the whole thing wide open, I confronted my wife, she admitted to the affair and I told her I still wanted to save our marriage but she had to end it with the OM. She is taking time to make her decision, has been about 45 mins. How much time should I give her to make the choice before I blast on facebook and text message to everyone we know?

Expose the affair to everyone right now. Don't wait. Did you read my exposre thread for sample letters, etc? Also, call her parents, your parents, siblings and other close family and tell them about the affair. Tell your children all about the affair.

And MOST OF ALL, MOVE HOME!!

I'm already home

When you go home, tell her your choice, which is that she NEVER contact the OM again. Ask her to send the OM a no contact letter. If she will not end her affair this will lead to divorce.

You will also have to move out of that neighborhood since this is an affair with the neighbor. Recovery will be impossible otherwise.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Go expose the affair NOW. When you are finished, sit the kids down and tell them.

carsandkids, DO NOT forewarn her that you are going to expose the affair. Just sit down and start exposing in a place where you won't be interrupted. Go drive around the block and call her parents, your parents, etc. Ask them all to contact her and ask her to end her affair. You need their support and hopefully they will give her a call.

I'm so sorry for your pain... You got some great advice going on here. Do everything ML says. She won't steer you wrong. I'm surprised there is as many on this weekend as there is.

Keep on keepin on. Stay calm. This is a textbook case and you got a good foot to stand on. Recovery is very possible here if the proper steps are followed to a T.

MNG

Carsandkidz,

You're going to have stand up here for yourself and your children.

Listen to yourself - you're out working while financing this woman to drink, have affairs, and have parties with these people in your home while - who??? - is taking care of the children?

As the Brits might say, she is taking the piss out of you. She can walk all over you.

You NEED to take back your home and your family here, starting with not being a doormat.

As part of plan A, you will be exposing no matter if she promises to quit forever or runs away with him.

Expose it.

But you have two other big problems:

1) Her alcoholism
2) She is a serial cheater

You are facing long odds. She needs professional help. AA. And she needs to get on board with Extraordinary Precautions, including everything on the checklist that ML listed above.