Hello, community of good people.

I would really appreciate if you guys could provide me with your thoughts on my situation. I am married with my wife for 4 years now and we have 2 girls.

Little info about wife: She's not a really good talker, she doesn't discuss things like adults. Doesn't think things through.

Info about me: I have been unemployed and takes care of my kids at home, while she provides finance. But my family has bought us a house and also invested lots in her business. I am one of those gets angry really fast then calms down in the same amount and forgets about everything. I tend to make decisions on my rage thoughts. I am working and controlling my anger and thinking before getting mad.

So here goes

My wife went to a friend's wedding one night and didn't come home until 10 am the next day. This was over a month ago. She told me that she had passed out and spent the night at their house. I had asked her why she didn't come home before drinking too much, she said that they were pushing her into drinking and not letting anyone out of the room until everyone was almost passed out. My wife and alcohol doesn't go well together. She passes out easily, and becomes unable to control her body and she doesn't remember a lot the next day. So basically she told me that she had passed out and don't remember anything.

But then about 2 weeks ago, I came across a text message from one of her co-workers, who also went to the wedding, that my wife had went to a hotel with her husband that night. I was furious about this information, because I had always suspected that something might have happened that night. So, I asked my wife about it and she DENIED everything. She told me that girl was lying and that she would never do anything like that. I had believed this at that time.

Then, I was really bugged by this, I decided to call the bride of the wedding and ask about my wife. The bride told me that my wife, indeed, did not spend the night at her house and that she had left already by 2 am. My wife, i don't know why, still denied all this and told me that the bride was lying, and that everyone was lying to me to ruin our marriage. I thought this might be true, but then I decided to talk to the girl who said that my wife had slept with her husband. I called her and listened to what she had to say, and I decided to talk to her husband, because her husband had apologized to her for spending the night with my wife to his wife, and they were back to intimacy state. I heard from her husband's mouth that he did, indeed spent the night with my wife, along with a friend, 3 of them. He said that his friend and my wife was sleeping on the same bed when he left the hotel, because he was passed out from drinking too much. I don't know if this is true. For all I know they might have had group sex and this image and everything is just killing me everytime i close my eyes.

After all THIS has been revealed, my wife still DENIED ALL of this, so I called the wedding bride while my wife was here and had her tell the same thing to my wife which was that she didnt spend the night at her house. Then, my wife's whole story that she told me, kept telling me in anger everytime i asked, suddenly changed to: her spending a night outside of the house in a car.

With all this I was very furious that I told her to leave the house and that we are divorcing(She often used to say that let's just get a divorce and that she would move out instead of living like this, without trust: Was because I kept on questioning about the night). She denied everything about staying at a hotel as she was leaving. This was very weird.

After she had left, I called the bride again and asked about my wife spending the night at a car outside her house, but she told me that every car that was outside her house had left by 4am.

I was very hurt, in pain, depressed. This happened only 4 days ago.

I called her yesterday and said everything i found out and she finally admitted of spending the night at a hotel, but she said that she had nothing to do with that one girl's husband. This struck me, and I asked "Then who did you spend the night with?" in which she replied, "Omg, wow, whatever. Dont want to talk" and hung up the phone.
I called her again and told her that I was willing to apologize her and live our life together if she would come and tell me the whole truth and be honest about it. She told me that she can't tell me the truth; I took this answer as: she wanted to throw away the life we built and doesn't want to live with me anymore just because of a guy that she had spent one night with.

I am willing to get back together with her but I don't know how to do this. If I go and tell her that I am willing to apologize her and that we, our 2 kids and her, should live together thinking of the kids. But I'm afriad, me doing this would make her feel no guilt towards her affair. She doesn't know that I am in deep pain because I always had acted like a man, a tough guy. She probably think I am enjoying all this. It may also make me look like a weak man, and that she may take advantage of my forgiving kindness and have an affair again. I am a very generous and kind-hearted guy.

I would also want your opinion on WHY she had kept on lying even though everything was revealed. This is really really weird to me. She could have just admitted and apologized. I have no idea what to do. Please help me.

Again, i am very very hurt, sad, depressed and in pain. I havent eaten anything for 4 days, i just dont feel hungry. I have terrible images of her whenever i close my eyes/in dreams as well. But still I want to continue marriage because of my 2 little princesses and the fact that almost everyone has an affair that I might be able to forgive and forget. Though I would be very sad and feel betrayed whenever I would see her, if things work out and we get back together, I hope time will heal me.

Sir please read this article:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

You just demonstrated why one should never ask a wayward for the truth, it is just a needless tarpit that leads to nowhere. You don't need the confession of a liar to know the truth. You gathered the truth by asking around and found out that she spent the night in a hotel and had an orgy with some other men. You know this, so why continue asking her this?

The way to confront a wayward is to avoid all this and simply tell her you "know" that this happened. That way you avoid all this unnecessary "did you?" "didn't you?" "what happened?"

Call her up and tell her you know the truth and don't need her confession. You know the truth, so I would act on that truth and either get a divorce or discuss a plan for recovery with her.

Some glaring problems in your marriage are:

1. your anger problem - that is going to make any reconciliation efforts impossible so that has to be addressed and resolved

2. her drinking - if she has a drinking problem you won't be able to fix your marriage

3. her going out without you - you have learned the hard way this is not good for your marriage

4. your unemployment - usually not very good for marriages

Ersee,

JediKnight suggested a very good article, it will help you understand most of your questions.

As painful as it might seem, its common for wayward spouses to deny it all. My fwh denied all and it took him about two weeks to actually tell me all the truth. For us, the betrayed spouse, it would be better to have all the truth at once,but for them, it's a process. I'm not saying this to justify it, but just so you can understand it.

I would also recomend you dring some antidepresants, they will help you stay cool for your little girls and for yourself. I used passion flower, but you can look for anything that suits you.

I hope you have a better day!

This is an aside, but that description really jumped out at me. MB calls these sort of statements disrespectful judgements. Disrespectful judgements are love busters. You need to learn to avoid them