My husband and I have been married almost 8 years. For the last five he has had an on and off drinking problem. This round has been going on for about 8 months now. We have a 6 year old together. I love my husband but I am at a loss as to what to do anymore. He can't or won't stop. He goes 3 or 4 weeks and then drinks again. He isn't violent or abusive but he is drunk. I know I can't fix this but I don't know what to do. He drinks because he is depressed and unemployed. Our marriage is failing and I know I am at fault for some of it but I feel helpless to change things. Mostly I am sad. I am sad that things are this way. I am so very sad. I don't know what to expect here but I just need to talk about this. I don't want to talk to friends or family about it. They kind of know what is going on but they don't know how to help. I don't know what to do anymore. I want my husband back and I can't reach him. I can't help him.

Anabel

I suggest you visit an AlAnon meeting

Jedi
Thanks. I went to one and left feeling worse than before I went. I will try again though. They seemed to talk about distancing yourself from the drinker. I wasn't sure what to think.

Well the problem is that you can't control his drinking and he does it even though it distresses you. He can't control it.
And that can lead to disaster

Alanon can help you emotionally distance yourself so that every day isn't a roller coaster

Living with an active alcoholic is insanity (I know)

Here's an article concerning alcoholism from Dr Harley:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_abuse-l.html

Anabel, in addition to going to alanon, you should also give him an ultimatum to quit drinking. Find your local AA meetings and give him the option of either going to AA or moving out. You can't lose if you do this, because if he does stop drinking, you will have a marriage. If he doesn't stop drinking, you won't and will be better off without him.

I agree it is good to distance yourself from the drinker; in separate houses. If you separate he is very likely to hit bottom faster so you shouldn't fear a separation.

Melody. I have tried ultimatums. I just have trouble sticking to them. He does try to go to aa meetings. He has a sponscer. I know he is trying. I am jus frustrated. I don't know how to separate from him. He won't leave and has no where to go anyway. Neither do I. I just want my marriage back. I think he does too.

Trying?
As Yoda said, Do or do not do.
There is no try.


If he gets drunk and drives into a schoolbus nobody will care that he tried to go to an aa meeting.

You have no control over his drinking. Do you enjoy living like this?
If the answer is no, then alanon can help you do things that you can control

Anabel, I had an alcoholic MIL that lived with us for most of my marriage.
She was a binge drinker.
My wife and I lied to neighbors, family and our own children to cover up her behavior.

Do you know why we lied?
What logical reason would we have for lying to protect the alcoholic?

He is not trying. And he has no reason to try because he knows he can get you off his back by playing the AA card. [going to a few meetings to get you off his back] The ultimatum you should give him is that he should never drink again or get out. You could pack his bags and put him out if he does. An ultimatum is only an ultimatum if you back it up with action. And you have to be serious when you are dealing with alcoholics. That would be the best thing for him. He is a smart guy and can figure out where to live. "Trying" is an alcoholics way of making excuses to stop drinking.

Unless he stops drinking he is not "trying." He is just playing you.

What he wants more than anything is to drink in peace. He does want you around so he will have someone to enable him. The marriage is not important to him.