Hopefully someone can help me quickly as divorce papers have been filed (by my husband) and it's only a matter of days before I get served.

We have been through so much in such a short amount of time. I met my husband in AA - we were both sober. Within a year we were married, neither of us still sober. About 9 months in while I was pregnant with our son, he ended up going out of state to a 30 day drug rehab for prescription drug abuse (brought on by a neck surgery and pain). things got better, and I went from being a non-practicing Christian to a faithful, really involved Christian and really just a better wife and person as a whole as I started getting involved at Church and studying the Bible. DH saw this change in me and felt compelled to reveal that he had cheated on me while I was pregnant and shortly after our son was born. So we decided to do a group marriage ministry year long class at church. All the while, I do not take any recreational drugs but do occasionaly have a glass of wine but my husband had been taking copious (and increasing) amounts of pain medications for back pain.

Throughout our marriage he has relapsed several times which always makes for man extremely hard weeks/months. About a month ago, he was high so I packed up mine and my sons things and went to stay with my parents. I told him I supported him and did NOT want a divorce but that I couldn't live like that and let my son be around drug use and his anger/craziness while on drugs. Me leaving escalated things - he threatened suicide, the police were called, he went to rehab and checked out against medical advice early saying he detoxed and was going to stay sober "his way" through meetings. He now has 3ish weeks sober. I also moved back home in an attempt to work things out with him because my parents live an hour away which wasn't conducive to spending time rebuilding.

Our huge problems now are that
1. I told my parents everything and dh is ashamed, embarrassed and angry at me and won't let me live it down - he wants me to "fix" it and he thinks what I did by "slandering" him was way worse than everything he's done to me.
2. He had another surgery last week and is still on a lot of pain medication.
3. I'm still hurt from the infidelity, and don't trust him to stay sober. He's never shown stability but wants me to believe this time he's "for real".
4. He fights for control and to be the head of our household constantly telling me to "submit" and let him handle everything (I.e. I don't have access to his bank accounts and he gives me money as needed. (I'm a stay at home mom). I feel he has some very chauvinistic views about male superiority and constantly reads me bible verses that support his views.
5. He isn't open minded to marriage counseling or taking advice from ANYONE because "no one else knows our problems.

I'm just not even sure if this is a marriage worth fighting for anymore or if it can be restored after being so broken. I love who I married - a kind, charming, fun and talented provider. I want to believe there is good in everyone but I just don't know if he's capable of changing. His pride is insane. From this site I can say my love bank is probably way in the negative. I also know I've been give, give, giving and he's been the taker. I would hate to in 10 years have regrets about divorce IF he happens to change.

When do you throw in the towel and walk away?

An occassional glass of wine?
Amd you're allergic to alcohol?

I encourage you to attend an alAnon meeting

I used to use drugs/alcohol to mask some serious emotional hurts I experienced growing up. I went through a lot of counseling and found the roots of the drinking and dealt with them. I don't get drunk, I don't drink to hide pain, and I can go months without drinking - so no, I don't consider myself an alcoholic.

I still recommend you attend an AlAnon meeting.
They can help you establish boundaries with your husband

I will try. I went to his IOP family night with him a couple weeks ago (which he also quit 3 weeks in) but because he never has and won't/can't watch our son, it's hard for me to find a babysitter

Besides the drugs, I'm just wondering what to do/think about him being verbally degrading and talking down to me all the time. THAT is a big issue for me because I am so tired of being a verbal "punching bag." I think a lot of the name calling, yelling etc.. Came from drug use but I can't be sure..

Its late so I don't have time but Dr Harley says that a relationship with a person with current, active addictions (regardless of drug/alcohol etc is impossible to solve any and all problems.

So first thing he would have to do would be a real stop to all addictions for life.

Second would be the anger/ disrespect can harm you/son and he would suggest a separation of at least a year with him proving that he is safe enough for you to return to.

Third, an infidelity on top of all of that means EP (extraordinary precautions) of allowing things like this to ever happen again.

I think in this case he would absolutely say that divorce is the BEST outcome. These 3 things alone are enormous obstacles to overcome.
You can not make him change or want to change and as long as he can't stay sober... you have 0% chance. That would be step one before a bunch of other huge things would also have to be addressed.
I believe you are worth much more than this.
I wouldn't be worried about looking at what he might be 10 years from now. What HAS he really been while you are married and WHAT is he doing right now.

You will heal. I would Absolutely go into a Dark Plan B with him and do parallel parenting (if he is even capable of that... I would talk to a lawyer about severing his rights... showing up dirty on drug tests never looks good in court)
Plan B will help you heal SOOOO much faster than anything I can think of and is Also what I believe Dr. Harley would say himself.
Protect you and your son... priority one :-)

Blessings!

Please listen to the advuce you have gotten here so far. Your husband is not a safe person to have a relationship with right now, and he may never be.

From a medical standpoint, it is utter nonsense to operate on a person's back because of back pain. This, because of the simple fact that even if you do have a relevant bulging vertebral disc (which 30% of people without back pain also have, by the way), surgery can only heal the shooting pain that radiates into the leg(in 70%of cases).

Back pain is mostly muscular and I consider it to be a crime if they operate on your husband, while he is abusing pain medication. The only thing that was good for, was to help the doctor's children yhrough college.

Please help your child and do not live with your husband as long as he is abusing alcohol, tablets, or you. He has already threathened suicide, please be safe lest he considers taking you with him in his state of mind.

Thank you all... I do believe he was in legitimate pain and the surgery he had was to remove a subscapular bursa. I think I've even making excuses for him for a long time (even though people handle pain differently) - he should never have taken all the drugs he has trying to remove all the pain. I've just been torn recently because he has actually been taking his pain meds less often than prescribed and has stopped all the other drugs. It seems like he's trying.. And if that is the case I didn't way to be the one to "give up" - I feel like I know what I need to so, I'm just having a really hard time following through. (It took him relapsing several times for me to even separate). I see my counselor Tuesday so help me work through some more of my own issues..

Also, can someone tell me what a Dark Plan B is?

Many AlAnon meetings will allow you to bring children.

Here you go.
How to Plan B Correctly

Also this,
What are Plan A and Plan B