I'm not new here I had to change due to significant other not respecting my time on here. D-day was over 3 years ago.

Anyway, I was the cheater and I made every effort to turn myself around and be completely transparent. And I have been. Now she is claiming I'm back sliding. I can say that I am not the stellar husband but I make every effort to be, but all I get is grief about my depression and her version of me not doing anything to help her. I pick up the kids damn near everyday, I take care of the laundry, clean up after the dog, help clean the house on the weekends. According to her all I do is lay in bed and have a mean attitude and do nothing at all.

Mean while she makes it a point to put her job ahead of everything. She's works more than 20 hours of overtime a week and still brings work home to work on during the week and weekends. All she talks about is her job and how she is flirting with 2 guys she works with and gets mad at me when I say something about it. Just seems fishy to me.

Tonight she tells me she is tired of putting in all the effort to fix the marriage and that if I don't do something she is going to move on without me. I have to say I'm getting tired of the fighting and have thoughts of growing in the towel.

So I guess my question is should I?

What was your previous posting name or thread?

Sorry but to keep her out of this I prefer not to say.

It sounds like the main complaint is that the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) Iis not followed.
Please read this article:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html

You're on the verge of divorce and you wont disclose your prior name?
I don't understand your reasoning.
It would help if we knew your posting history

I want an unbiased opinion if she finds this she will spin it to her side and I will be made out to be the evil one again. That is what she did last time and I stopped using this site because all I got was bashed and hate mail because she spun everything to her side of the story.

Are you married?

Dr Harley would encourage you to show mutual care towards each other by following the Policy of Joint Agreement.

Did you read the article I posted?

In my opinion, yes. You are obviously trying to spin a story and afraid she will find out and fill us in on the real story (as she did last time). I'm sure her instincts are correct about you backsliding rather than being honest and transparent. Heck, you already admitted that you won't share your previous screenname because you don't want us to know the backstory! You might as well throw in the towel because your marriage is doomed as long as you continue playing this game.

Based off feedback and what I read, both should be following the POJA and reading love busters and avoiding them at all cost.

You both mine as well be open and honest. People can change and if you are the one who hurt her last time, then do what ever it takes to change. Put boundaries up and let her know. Give her access to either thing. Be transparent. Let her know how you feel with I statements and avoid demanding, disrespectful judgments.

It is important, when the person who committed the affair do a 180 from their previous lifestyle. From lying and hiding to being completely open and honest/transparent and when she feels a certain way, you need to re-assure her.

If you both are choosing to Reconcile you both should be spending at least a minimum of 15 hours of un-divided attention together.

I will say the flirting part is not right and she should also have boundaries up as well to avoid having an affair herself.

And the people on here are right, you should be honest and tell people your story. The truth is they can be unbias if they know your story but by being the cheater, your past has already prove, that you are dis-honest and selfish in your PAST, but if there is any change, then knowing your story should not be a problem.

You're name is retiredguy so I take it you don't have a job. Your children are young enough that they need to be picked up. From this, (I admit) I assume that you are not over 65 and are capable of getting a job.

You do laundry and dog care during the week, and help with house cleaning on weekends. Who makes the money, pays the bills, plans the meals, cooks the meals, buys the clothes, makes sure that the needs of daily life are met, etc.?

Before you throw in the towel invest in your marriage, in partnership that marriage means. Take antidepressants if need be to help you in a job search. Get up and do something for your marriage instead of whining about what your marriage isn't doing for you.

If you throw in the towel now, you'll be faced with having to get a job and taking care of your own needs of life anyway. As it is now, you have the potential of a partner that obviously has the capacity to help make your life better than what you can do on your own.

retiredguy,

LifetimeLearner is on target. If your wife is working full-time plus 20 hours overtime - doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that she probably resents the total burden of family financial support on her.

I don't know your history, but seems apparent that a few on here recognize you from previous postings. And, I agree with others that you seem to be on here to whine, rather than obtain and act on good advice.

No, it's not right that your wife flirts with co-workers. But, your malaise and your sour attitude contribute to her temptations to lower her bounderies.

Doing laundry, transporting your kids, etc. probably takes up 8 - 10 hours a week. Dude, I am age 71, and I usually devote at least that many hours per week volunteering and I am semi-retired.

If you are suffering from depression (and, that's a serious concern that I think you recognize), then get to a quality psychiatrist ( not just an MD, because a psychiatrist is more adept at tracking your condition) and get on the appropriate medication to combat your condition.

I don't think that you're going to get much help here if and until you are honest about your situation and open and willing to accept advice. It sounds like you have a devoted wife if she is willing to work that hard to support her family. But, (without further factual info about your situation, which you choose to withhold), your last statement about you trying to decide whether or not to 'throw in the towel' is inaccurate. She may very well
decide that for you!

I'll say a few prayers for you.

Tom

Ok first of all people I do have a job Thank you. I work 40 plus myself. I make most of the money and do most of the cooking for the kids because she is always choosing to stay at work, her own words "I'd rather stay there then come home". Before you jump to conclusions let me answer your questions before hand. I do invest into our marriage more so the her add of late. No I'm not spinning anything I have told the truth. I know that I was no Saint in the past and I am not anywhere near perfect or claim to be.

Are you happy in your job? Why does she complain that you are in bed all the time? Do you work opposite shift than her? Have you asked your wife why she doesn't like coming home and worked with her for a solution?

I'm OK with my job. She complains because when she does finally come home I'm in bed and tired from working all day. I work as a welder/mechanic and I'm exhausted by the time I get home. According to her she stays at work to be away from me? When we try to talk about it it ends up with her yelling at me and I just shut down cause I don't want to fight anymore.

Have you read the article I posted?

Yes I read it before and it hasn't helped

What do you do, how do you treat her that causes her to say you have a mean attitude?

Sir the article that I posted is a guideline for how to resolve marital conflict. Is your wifw willing to use the Policy of Joint Agreement? Are you?

Have you read any of Dr Harleys books?
Which ones?

Well, are you?

Are you taking extraordinary precautions to make it impossible for you to have another affair again?

Are you spending 15-30 hours a week with your wife meeting her intimate emotional needs?

Are you following the policy of joint agreement?

Are you completely avoiding love busters such as dishonesty, independent behavior, selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts?


That really doesn't sound like the Marriage Builders program to me. Did you guys use this program to recover your marriage? Because if you do, it works. It sounds to me like you are leaving a lot of important things undone, and your wife is unhappy about it. Look at my questions in the above section - they point to things that are indispensable if you want your marriage to recover. If you skip these things, your marriage will probably end in divorce.