To anyone willing to help,

I am at a total loss of what I can do to help keep my husband by my side. I have betrayed him without having any intentions of losing him.

We have been married for 13 years, have two beautiful children. We are both successful with our careers yet I am the one destroying our lives. I ask myself for what?? For the roller-coaster of a marriage that has always been so beautiful.

In 2009 I have gotten wrapped up with an old flame on Facebook. I have deceived my husband, he wanted to get a divorce after finding out I was communicating with this individual. I promised to change to keep our family together. I honestly cannnot see my life without my husband. He is my whole world. We made it through that end of the world, he gave me a change and here I go messing it all up....for the attention???....I joined G+ and got wrapped up in some chats last week. I hate myself. I cannot see myself living without my husband.

Somebody please help me bring him back into my life.

If you want to save your marriage, then STOP IT! I don't understand why you are asking us to help save your marriage when you are the one who holds that key. Why don't you stop sabotaging it?

I have stopped it, and yet something possesses me to look for that attention, best way I can put it.

What I need to know is how to get my husband to trust me, is that even possible? Is it possible to maintain this relationship? How do I show him that I have cut off all contact?

annar,

I encourage you to continue to read here on MB. I believe if you do so you will slowly gain an understanding not just of your own suffering but of your children and husband.

God Bless
Gamma

Your husband should not trust you, though. It is too much trust that has enabled you to do these things. You should stay off the computer altogether unless he is there with you. You should set up your life so it is so transparent that it would be impossible to troll for men. No nights apart, complete access to each others phones, passwords, bank accounts, everything. Your marriage should be entirely affair proofed.

The next step is to create an integrated romantic marriage where you spend all of your leisure time together. Here is the checklist from Surviving an Affair:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

sounds like he's not meeting your emotional needs. I'm with gamma on reading more on MB, maybe try the emotional needs worksheet and see if you can identify what's lacking and encourage your husband to work on it.

She is trolling for action, though. Sure, some affairs do start because of unmet needs, but they ALL start because of poor boundaries with the opposite sex. In this case, she is actively trolling for action which is another story entirely.

Annar,

The short version of why you can't stop is that you are addicted to the affair/affairs. This addiction is every bit as real as the addiction which drug addicts and alcoholics experience.

God Bless
Gamma

Annar,

One way to stop it is to practice radical honesty, that is don't lie about anything ever, and be absolutely honest with your husband about what you have done.

If you are absolutely honest with your husband then you could not cheat on him.

God Bless
Gamma

Carsandkidz,

I think this is all stemming from 2009, the first mistake I have made. He was never the same since, and I don't blame him. I was the love of his life and I go off and destroy it, the one person who was my best friend.

He used to tell me how beautiful I was how I was his world, he did not say that to me since 2009. I know it's all my fault, I did this to myself.

To join a worksheet to help him be all he can be would be a slap in his face, he did all that, I took it for granted and here I am. Completely lost.

Gamma,

I want nothing more than to be honest. I love my husband beyond belief and here I am going back and doing this to him.

He is not going to take me back now, I don't know how to let him see how desperate I am to have him in my life.

Welcome to MB, anna.

What you have written is a bit vague. Are you saying that your husband has ended your marriage because you have been chatting to men online? What was the nature of these chats? Did you send intimate pictures of yourself? Did you ever meet the men? For how long did each affair go on? Were there only ever two men? Have you ever had a physical affair?

Have you separated now? Who is living where, and who has the kids?

Annar,

It would be helpful if you would write out a timeline of your affair or affairs and what you did to provide just compensation to your BH, betrayed husband.

God Bless
Gamma

Have you had any long term affairs? Have all of the affairs been online and emotional? Have you hooked up with any of these guys? Any physical affairs?

SugarCane,

I apologize for the vagueness. Let me start from scratch. I am in so much distress right now, I cannot focus.

In 2009 I joined FB, out of curiosity I looked up my ex-boyfriend whom I dated back in HS. I feel like I initiated contact, I pursued him, but cannot pin-point why. I had a very happy marriage, my husband was good to me, we never argued, we had a wonderful intimate relationship. I couldn't ask for anything more.

I ended up meeting up with my ex. We communicated on the phone. We exchanged emails. The thrill of something new was exciting. I didn't think twice to put myslef in my husband's shoes and see how it would feel to be betrayed.

I did end up having intimate contact with my ex. I remember feeling so sick to my stomach after, I hated myself. I would look at my husband and want to cry. But I didn;t end it. I just kept going. That lasted about a month. My husband discovered one of the emails I was writing to my ex before I left for work. In some sense I was relieved. I just wanted my husband to want me back.

I never had any other intimate contacts with anybody else.

The chats began in 2012 when my brother inroduced me to Google+ to keep in touch with family. At that time I discovered that there are people from around the world that one can communicate with.

I chatted with 2 men. Never posted pics of sexual nature to them. I never met the men I chatted with.

Today, my husband discovered one of my chats that I had on my phone. I feel like this is it, I cannot save this anymore. I want nothing more than to save my marriage.

How do I convince him that I need help??

annar,

Did you ever confess to your children and the other mans wife?

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma,

I have never been involved with a married man. The men I had chats with were single, but I guess I wouldn't know. They could be doing the same as me. I always knew that I never wanted to be involved with anyone on those chats. I cannot imagine my life without my husband, yet I keep screwing it up.

I came home from work this evening, he doesn't want to look at me. He doesn't want me to say his name. He looks right threw me. He's saying he's leaving tonight. I am not capable of handling this on my own. I feel so hopeless.

I called my friend to ask for help. She's having her brother in law call me. He is a family social worker.

I know that I hurt my husband, I know I am viewed as a horrible person, I know all of that, I just need help to have him understand how much I am sorry.

Anna, you didn't answer all my questions:

Have you separated now? Who is living where, and who has the kids?

Also:

What was in the chat that your H discovered today?

What makes you say that "this is it, I cannot save this anymore"? Has your H left you, or told you to leave?

I'm still no clearer as to what is going on today to make you say that your marriage is over.

Justthe3ofus,

I did not have any long term affairs. I only had one face to face with my old ex from high school back in 2009. That only lasted a couple months, not even. Everything else has been on-line chats. I never met these people.

You need help with WHAT specifically? All he knows is that you REFUSE to stop having affairs. He is the one who needs the help since he is the victim of your behavior.

Who will help him?

If you intend on playing this up as some kind of syndrome or sickness, rather than a sick behavior choice, then your husband needs to separate and be protected from you. We would encourage him to leave you.

What is the social worker calling you about?