SugarCane,

We are not separated, never were. The kids were always with the both of us. My husband is an angel and put up with me. I have not treated him any less.
We work well as a team.

Today the chat contained stupid small talk. I told the guy I was divorced. I talked about my kids. The guy mentioned stuff about himself. I don't even know this guy and I'm talking to him. I am disgusted with myself. I don't even want to go on with my life anymore.

If I were you, I would go to him with a plan for complete transparency that holds you accountable. For example, hand over your phone to him and switch to a dumb phone where you can't troll for creepos. Have him password protect all the computers so you can't get on one unless he is right there with you. If you have any ipads, I would give them away to someone else.

In other words, make it impossible for you to have online affairs again. Think of every possible manner you might use and fill that hole so you CAN'T.

The reason this keeps happening is because you and your H keep relying on willpower rather than removing the means of temptation.

Another thing your husband should do is expose your affairs to your families and close friends. [including children] The more people who know, the more ppl to hold you accountable and give him support.

That is where I would start. Go to him with this plan in hand and bring him here. Tell him we can help him hold you accountable and walk him through the steps to save his marriage. We can teach him to affair proof his marriage.

MelodyLane,

I am afraid. I don't want him to leave me. I don't know what else to do. I know I'm not the victim, I know I hurt the best friend I had. I cannot survive this.
I am hating myself. I seriously don't want to live like this.

I know there is not guarantee in anything. I just want my life back.

I called my friend because I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I'm reaching out everywhere so I know what to do.

My husband's sister told me about this site. I am at a loss.

I approached him with your response. He pushed me away. He said he "doesn't want to me the laughing stalk" he doesn't want to participate.

Is the plan for transparency available to print?

I'm in tears. I don't know what to do now

Why don't you give him time to calm down and think this through? Tell him you will do what it takes to affair proof your marriage so he is never subjected to this again. And whatever you do, don't pretend like you have some kind of sickness or syndrome or even suggest you need to go to therapy. That will just make him more hopeless.

I posted the list of extraordinary precautions above and it includes several items that establish transparency. I would take that list and add to it to suit your situation.

Here is the list - but I would add things like I suggested above:


From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Annar,

Was the ex boyfriend from 2009 married?

The other point is that you set your recovery clock to zero, which means if your BH stays with you he has at least two years to recover. The good news is that if you don't cheat anymore the time will pass.

The chats were not innocent claiming to be divorced must have been a terrible blow to your BH.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma,

No, he was not married. Never was. Did not have kids.
Recently I googled his name and found out he has passed away. Today my husband threw back at me the events from 2009. He told me to go back to him, and out of desperation I threw back at him that he's dead. And he asked me how I know and I told him that his mother contacted me....even though that's a complete lie. I never had any contact with his family. Nobody even knows of me. I was too embarrassed to tell him I googled his name. I don't even know how to stop spiraling out of control.

I know I'm not the victim here, and the way I feel right now I wish I was just to feel the punishment.

I would go tell him the truth right now. You are making it worse by telling him lies. The way you stop the spiraling is to stop the spiraling. Stop lying.

MelodyLane,

Thank you for all the advice. I am struggling at this point for my husband to even look at me. The last thing he wants to do I protect our marriage. According to him, he's done.

I will do all that you recommend. Nothing else will help me.

I don't even care if the world knows what a horrible person I am. This is probably how I will be remembered.

Anna, the first thing you need to do is stop feeling sorry for your self, you didn't just do it once, you did it twice. Your BH is shattered and you are the one that's caused it. You were selfish and thoughtless. without a care as to what it what do to your husband - I know this, because I did it to!. None of this is going to go away over night and if you truly want your marriage back, you need to do exactly what the board suggests. You need to recognize, acknowledge and accept the decisions you've made, which have lead you to the present, and focus on the future and trying to rebuild with your BS what you've taken away.

mrs_cen

I am simply scared. Simply put I am freaked out about the future, about my kids, our home, my energy to go on. I don't feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for what I have done. I feel sick looking at my husbands eyes and seeing the pain he's going through.

I see no hope when he's looking up the process to divorce. I feel my heart sink when he tells me he wants nothing to do with protecting our marriage. He tells me that he's not going to babysit me. Is reading and following MB the answer to saving my marriage?? How will it prove to him that I want our marriage to last?

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Will your BH post here?

Please listen to these clips.
What is Just Compensation?

Annar,

Have you even told your BH the complete truth about the affair from 2009?

You need to sit down with your BH and undo all the lies you have told him, this includes what BH has not asked.

God Bless
Gamma

Also do you understand what EPs are?

Here.
Extraordinary Precautions

How do I practice extraordinary precautions when my husband wants nothing to do with it?

What do I do when he says I can do whatever I want to help myself but won't save the marriage...it's too late...he doesn't want to save the marriage...there is no marriage.

How do I respond to "you can prove yourself after the divorce"?

What are the first things I should be saying when he does not want to listen to how sorry I am or my attempt at telling the truth?

I read through the extraordinary precautions, I understand what I have to do. I do not own or have not read the "surviving an affair"

How do I have my husband part take in something he wants nothing a part of?

He is telling me that he doesn't care what forum I've joined and he's said "I hope you meet someone there that will make you happy"......I am completely hopeless....please help

Gamma,

There was not complete disclosure of all events from 2009. We left it unsaid. I was so embarrassed. I am till this day.

I tried this evening to spill all. My husband said "I don't care and don't want to hear about it. Don't ever bring it up".

Me telling him that I want to fix our marriage to start fresh is all a joke to him, very understandably so.

Is him wanting a divorce before he talks to me an answer?? I can honestly say that I will not be able to survive the process.

I have no one to reach out to. I have my sister in law that's trying to keep me going on this. I see no point. I've hurt him enough.

Annar, do you accept that a man has a right to divorce his wife for adultery? No matter how sorry she is?

I suggest in all kindness that you do accept this, and very quickly too. I would communicate to your husband that you deserve to be divorced and that you won't be moody or difficult or pleading.

See, the message you are giving him right now is a bit, "me, me, me". I understand that you are in pain as a result of your choices, but he is in pain through no fault of his own. He isn't going to want to hear about your pain.

If you act as though you still have a right to the marriage, it sends the wrong message. It sends the message that you think you can do what you like consequence-free.

I'd like to see you recover your marriage and prove yourself, but you won't do that by throwing pity parties and drowning in despair. Your husband won't listen to any pity parties, he needs to see you calmly accept the consequences here.



Of course you can. I am a betrayed spouse who survived my husband's affair with my best friend. I survived a very nasty divorce that was not of my choosing. I am not some sort of special case, either. Anyone can do this - they just need to keep going.

You do too. No more dramatics and pity parties. If you are really struggling, see your doctor about anti depressants. This is a difficult time and you will need to start getting resourceful.

Indiegirl,

Yes, I understand that he has every right to divorce me. I understand that what I have done should result in consequences I do not want.

Are there cases where a relationship re-grows after divorce??

I'm sorry that you have been betrayed. I truly am.

Oh no need to be sorry, I am very happy these days. But we BS's do have an insight into your husband's mindset.

Some people do remarry after divorce yes. Dr Harley has seen cases where that has happened.

It's truly up to your husband. It is his choice and no one could blame him for not wanting to do the complete uphill struggle that is recovery from an affair. On the other hand you are the only person who will ever be his children's mother.

All you can do is be the best offer on the table, the best person he could possibly be with.

All I am saying is that a lot of desperation and pity will not do your campaign to put that over any good.

It will take TIME, patience and you must give him the respect of allowing him to choose. You will have to put in a lot of time to show that changes are sustained ones. You wil need to be calm, strong and show you have a plan that can be trusted and that you are in control. You may have to change on your own, with limited contact from him.

And after all that it may never work. He may not ever want it. It may make you a better person, but it won't absolutely guarantee getting your marriage back. Are you willing to do that?

BrainHurts,

My husband will not post here.

He's withdrawn, does not look at me.

In 2009 I had a physical affair. I have since 2 on-line chat involvements. One lasted about 1 month and this recent one 1 week. I have never met these men in person.

I know this is the end of my marriage. I have selfishly pushed the love of my life away.