Seeing my XH and his wife at my daughter's wedding yesterday threw me into a bit of a tizzy. They looked happy, yet, after 10 years, I can still feel the betrayal, hurt, abandonment all over again. And my 3 kids (all grown and married now) have never talked with their dad about how he just up and left us. It was all sort of awkward. He does not have a good relationship with them, and has not pursued one. Three things they would like to express to him:
1) He has never apologized for or acknowledged the hurt and pain he caused
2) He has never given an explanation to the kids as to why he left
3) When he left us, he was totally focused on his new wife and her daughter, and spent his energies on them.

It makes me so sad that my kids are still holding on to this after 10 years (and for that matter I do too because of their pain).

He is a hard man with a bad temper and my kids have never felt comfortable confronting him.

I have thought about writing him a letter about this, but that may only make things worse in the long run.

Just wondering if any of you might have any advice for me.

Thanks so much!!!

Does this mean I am still not over it???

CBG, my advice is to cut him out of your life and try to stay away from him. You are triggered by his presence as a rape victim would be triggered by her rapist. He did a horrible thing to you and your children, so it is the same principle.

My XH ran off and left me for an OW in 1999. How did I get better? I cut him out of my life and have nothing to do with him. As long as he is out of my life, my feelings are not triggered. As soon as I see him, all those horrible feelings come flooding back. So, my solution is to avoid him!

Thank you, ML. I see other ex wives who get along great with their ex and the POSOW (new wife). I guess I'm just not capable of that. The only times I've had to deal with him is during the kids' weddings. Hopefully that will be the end of it. I never want to see or talk to him ever again. My struggle is this seems so un-Christian, yet I know it's the only way I can handle it.

People who get along well with their ex(s) are people whose ex(s) are not still with the OP.

It is easier to 'get along' with an ex if they are not still participating in the horror that destroyed the marriage to begin with.

Do not write your ex any letters. Just know that you are perfectly normal. You are a woman who was treated cruelly and has survived and thrived despite the experience. Seeing him did trigger the feelings. The myriad of feelings.

Plod on now and know you are human.

Thank you, Reading! I really appreciate your comment! You and Melody Lane have made me feel like I'm normal and I'm going to make it!

I think your approach is very Christian!! The Bible says not to associate yourself with works of darkness. Your XH and his OW are from the dark side. It is a cultural mythology that we are supposed to be "amicable" with our exes, but that is phony baloney. If folks could be "amicable" they would still be married.

A BIG PART of my lasting resentment over the years comes from trying to be "amicable" when my H and I were getting divorced. My son was killed during the divorce and my H brought the OW to my son's funeral to rub my nose in his affair. Can you even imagine?! If I had not been in a state of shock I would have escorted her off the premises at the point of my gun and pistol whipped her. But I didn't because a) I was in shock and b) I was trying to be "amicable." The picture of that brazen hoe sitting at my son's funeral burned in my brain FOR YEARS. I was so angry at myself for allowing myself to be treated so abhorrently when I too beaten down to defend myself.

My point is that trying too hard to be "amicable" is really cute and trendy but I have found it is not good for one's mental health [or normal] to be "amicable" with your rapist.

CBG, you say that your children do not have a good relationship with their father and how come was he (and his OW) invited to the wedding?

Did your marrying child want him there?

I am not a Christian so I don't understand the idea of trying to be amicable with people who did horrible things to you at an expense of YOUR and your children's mental health.. I just wanted to verify if he was wanted there at the wedding.

If I were you he would have not been there at all let alone his POSOW.

Taka is right. We brush things under the rug in the name of conflict avoidance. The affair stole away your daughters' family. Maybe Dad should have been invited, but not the POSOW. What should have been a day of elation became one of hurt and anger for some of the people at the wedding. I'm sorry you had to experience that, Change. Hopefully, you won't have any more encounters with him again.

ML, I'm sorry you had to endure such a travesty at your son's funeral. That is a memory I wish you could expunge.

CBG,

I see other ex wives who get along great with their ex and the POSOW (new wife). I guess I'm just not capable of that.

Given that most cheated on spouses keep their mouths shut and suffer in silence for the rest of their lives, yes I presume such a person would put on a brave face. But would you want to live like that? Having only divorced him in 2012? I think the MB way is more emotionally truthful.

Your children should uninvite the OW, or shine the spotlight on OW by announcing their entrance as Mr and Mrs Adultery.

Hire a call girl to attend the wedding have her seduce your ex film the encounter email it to his lovely wife.

God Bless
Gamma

Thank you so much for that, Just. That memory is an ugly distant one since I cut that creep out of my life.

I find it extraordinary that he gets to share such a wonderful day when he hasn't earned his place there.

Will he be invited to future weddings? They don't have to confront him, they just have to not invite him.

Even if he confronts them as to why not, they can honestly say it was just for intimate f&f.

I was at two weddings recently where a wayward parent was invited. They completely ruined the day for the happy couple in both cases. Not to mention the BSs who looked like they were struggling to breathe.

I know other people with wayward parents who simply never speak to him or include them in anything and this appears to be the wisest course possible.

My thoughts are

the children, bad relationship or not.......should get to decide whether to invite their parent.

A betrayed person can choose to attend a function or not.

The betrayed can get support if they go AND they can let the wayward parent know that "I would appreciate if you do not sit with me" and keep space.

Plan B is best. Sometimes Plan Bs are challenged and the betrayed chooses their own approach to the challenge.

Children know right and wrong and do their best walking the fine line. They are the warriors in the field of infidelity.

MelodyLane,

My son was killed during the divorce and my H brought the OW to my son's funeral to rub my nose in his affair. Can you even imagine?

Sorry to hear that, I can't believe how absolutely horrible that was.

God Bless
Gamma

Sorry for your pain, CBG.

I just wanted to mention that your children will have babies and grandchild birthdays. Not sure if you want to talk to your kids about what really happened, but it might help them understand how strongly you feel about avoiding your Ex. Perhaps they'll just "not invite" him to participate - both for your sake and for their own well-being.

x2

Sorry for t/j - Oh Mel, I'm sorry to read this, I can only imagine how horrid this must have been. It is hard to understand how POSOW can be so bold, insensitive and cruel. My DS8 was recently in hospital for viral pnuemonia and the POSOW came to visit with WH, this was bad enough but to attend the funeral service of your child is deplorable. I'm sure it would take a long time to heal from this, I hope you have been able to do this my friend.

Back to the thread - I tend to agree children should have the choice to invite the wayward parent to their important life events. Being honest it would be another tough challenge a BS would have to endure. I also agree that the OW/OM should not attend ... they had no regard for the family of children when they destroyed a family they have not earned the right to attend these events and cause further pain for the BS and children.