A respectful response with clear boundaries. Well done.


Don't do this. It will escalate the cycle of abuse. He needs to stop what he is doing, this will not do that. It is a natural instinct to think that doing something back will 'teach them a lesson' but actually all it does is trigger a more extreme response.

He needs to know that stopping the angry outbursts is a condition and that after he does this, you will be able to discuss your issues together in a productive way that will allow a positive outcome for you both. He has to trust that this will happen.

No doubt angry outbursts are what he learned was productive as a child so changing this pattern will be an effort of will on his part.

Praise him when he gets it right and get him to trust you. Don't fall into the trap of mirroring his behaviour.

Ari!!

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!!!

Vitamins - something like 15000 mcg per day. It sounds like a lot, but people with depression sometimes have brains that resist the uptake of B12, so it takes a lot to get the good effect. Again, it has no side effects

Exercise & friends - GOOD! Taking care of yourself is a great way to start! Please make sure you are approaching female friends...you don't need to complicate matters by becoming attracted to any other men right now

Drawing a line - EXCELLENT! I'm so glad he is recognizing it. I have two pieces of feedback for you, and you can decide whether you agree:

1. If he becomes abusive again, please do not stay silent or "continue on" even meditating. Please consider saying to him, "You are hurting me. Please stop." If he continues, leave the room immediately, or the house if necessary. This will help him recognize what abuse is, and help him change his behavior - and it is respectful and non-confrontational. AND you are taking care of yourself at the same time: a necessary part of this process.

2. Please NEVER abuse him in return. I know it's difficult, but you must take the high road. Firstly, because you don't want guilt or regret to keep you stuck. Secondly, because you can set an example of what respectful behavior is, and he may learn more quickly.

You are VERY strong, and I admire you! Oh, how I would love to live near you. I'm a girl who believes in Heaven, so I look forward to seeing you there I'm sure there will be tea and good food, and soft cushions to sit on...and sunshine.

I am so glad he is responding!! This is such very good news, dear! I have high hopes that you two will build a loving life together, and enjoy many happy years.

Good day Zhamila!..

" I'm a girl who believes in Heaven, so I look forward to seeing you there smile I'm sure there will be tea and good food, and soft cushions to sit on...and sunshine. " hugs you tightly!!

The B12 I'm go on down to get it today. It sounds good. I'm sure it will help perk me up and it is something which I don't need to think twice about what people may say..

Oh I'm exercising. I find it really fun because it really makes me feel good and alive !!

thank you for the feedback too.
Alright! so.. I won't say its perfect but he asked me what is the meaning of abuse today and in what way was he hurting me and you just flashed across my mind :)))

I promise I won't abuse anyone!! :))

The reason I want to get strong is, it doesn't matter whether I leave him today or I don't . One thing is it's difficult to just leave especially in this environment.
The second thing is someone else somewhere else will abuse me !! if I do not learn to stand up for myself.... Right?
How many times and in how many places am I going to let people get away with making me feel low about myself.??
How many times am I going to let people take advantage of my fear?
That's how my thoughts are going right now.

I won't say everything is hunky dory but I am following your advice to the core of my heart..."Take care of myself first"... and "Never take abuse again"... until I do that I cannot claim to care for someone else. I am trying to develop that strength.

I can see that most people follow the herd to be safe. He feels an obligation to the parents and the society for a child. I have given him space to understand what he wants to do and find his way out of it.
Obligation is the worst reason to bring a child into this world.
That is my belief.

I do not even explain myself anymore. If you can understand, understand it. When they try to tell me how hard they tried to have a family and how good it feels being unselfish I have my answers ready.
"I am glad YOU got what YOU wanted".... and thats it. I guess that explains much right?

I have nothing against what you want but to force me to do something because "YOU" want it .... I don't see anything in that at all.

Love and hugss and be welll!!!!

Hello Ari dear!

You are doing great! Do you think your husband would read some of the material on this site? Especially the Policy of Joint Agreement? If you were both on board with the concepts for marriage here, it will really help your situation.

You might not want to show him the forum. (My abusive ex punished me for posting here and I lost a valuable source of encouragement.)

I think your answer to those pressuring you is a good strategy. I'm sure you've picked up on the fact that they are calling you "selfish" - which is a disrespectful judgment (abuse).

Love and hugs to you, and I hope you are having a good week! - Z

Is this your question?
Radio Clip of achoice's question

hello and hugeee apology for the delayed reply !

I was setting up stuff and the modem decided to breathe its last ...I'm back up now!

@Zhamila : I'm much much better! I'm sure you will be happy to know that I've been working on myself and things are good most of the time. I do not think making him read this forum will do much for him. I realized after talking to you that I can probably lead him if I'm strong but I do not think this more equal westernized thinking will be understood by him.
I've applied for a course too yay ! ... and just looking at things as they unfold each day.
But no more abuse !!

@ BrainHurts : Yup thats me !! She emphasized a lot of things which I never noticed before. I know I did wrong but I really did it innocently. He became very abusive following that. That's my problem. I wish I could turn back time and not been stupid. But I want us to go ahead...

Another thingy is I can't buy the book because I do not have a credit card. I sent in a mail wondering if I could wire the money somehow but I haven't gotten a reply. I would love to read it. But that's something I'm missing sorely :((