Facebook should be barred for LIFE from your house since your wife has had an affair that way.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

You would be INSANE to even give her access to the computer again after TWO freaking affairs. Just cancel your internet service. Delete her facebook and cancel the internet.

You also realize that you must move since her MOST RECENT OM is a neighbor, right?

I want to warn you that you are headed to affair #3 and #4 if you and your wife do not establish extraordinary precautions this time. She is a serial cheater who actively trolls for men on the internet.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

My friend, you have NOTHING TO LOSE by driving this deal home. Being timid and soft about your recovery will lead you to the next affair. You need to drive this deal home NOW while you have any leverage. Or you won't have a marriage because you will be dealing with endless affairs.

Get her off that damn computer. Sell it, get it out of your house and cancel your internet. She is addicted to facebook and you will not have a wife until that is removed.

Have you seen this?
Extraordinary Precautions-Revised SAA

Thanks again for the advice and support. After a long weekend, our extraordinary precautions are coming together.

I know ya'll are going to think I'm crazy, but we didn't eliminate facebook. We did get rid of all friends of the opposite sex, and her password belongs to me and will for as long as we are married.

She had already cut off all contact, spent half of sunday talking about what she had done, how it started, why it happened. We set some really strict boundaries on who she talks to, have 24 hr accountability, her phone is now being tracked by gps for me and if she goes anywhere, she calls when she leaves, when she gets to where she's going, I can confirm with whichever girlfriend she has gone to see. All of our recreational time will be spent together, and everyone knows what happened between us, that it was a mistake, that we are working on getting past it together. All of our friends have my phone number, she sent out a message to hold her accountable to them and to me if she ever starts acting the way she has again.

We started looking at houses yesterday. Our house will be on the market ASAP, probably going to take 2 weeks to list it, and hopefully we are going to be able to move in 30-45 days. She and I understand that as long as this guy is close, we have to be extremely careful to avoid him. She has seen his car twice in the last 3 days and instantly told me both times.

In the conversations we had about the affair, she explained how she felt about what happened, says it was extremely stupid, she is ashamed, feels like a whore, and cries every time she tells me she didn't want to hurt me. The first day she was home, she said she felt torn, like she wanted to be home with me and like she had to be home with me. She was heavily involved emotionally with both of us and is committed to getting over him and reconnecting with me.

We are leaving town thursday for a 4 day getaway to start recovering our relationship, kind of a marital reset. Should be a great way to get 50-60 hours of alone time together.

What else should we be doing to jump start our recovery?

You're not helping by keeping FB alive. The entire website will be a major trigger for her. It's the location of the affair.

One BS on here set fire to a couch that had been the setting for one liaison. You need to take the same approach with FB.

Even if it were not possible for the A to restart on FB (and it is highly probable it will) she will never get through withdrawal. Every time she logs on she will go back to day one, minute one on her withdrawal clock. She's never going to feel better stuck in that limbo.

We've seen this happen with Facebook loads of times. Genuinely well meaning waywards got sucked right back in.

Why is it so important to keep hold of it? It is just a website! There are a myriad of other ways to keep in touch with important people. Facebook was only designed for contact with non important people after all.

Have you read Annar's thread?

She is distraught because after apparently recovering from her FB affair she started trolling for action on Google+. She has no idea why she had so little self control. Her poor BH has had enough and is filing for divorce no matter how much she begs.

This is because he doesn't want to limit her internet or babysit her online. It doesn't seem that you feel this way, so what is the problem?

Melody Lane's advice here cannot be bettered:

I understand what you are saying indiegirl. The root cause of the affair isn't facebook, it's my wife's ability to set boundaries and stick to them, she identified this and is going to a counselor to learn how to change the way she views commitment and how to teach herself to stop. Facebook enabled her to cross boundaries, but so did homeowner's association meetings(where she met the OM), the gas station down the street(the only one close to the house), carpool line at the elementary school(the OM is unemployed and our kids go to the same school). To try to stop everything that enables her to make stupid decisions right now, she would have to lock herself in a closet with no phone, no computer, no tv, etc. and never go outside or talk to anyone because she has NO ability to stop doing dumb stuff.

She loves her kids, but put them in danger and compromised her most important values by driving them around after drinking and smoking around our oldest for several hours in our garage.

All that is to say, her issues are way more serious than just cheating on me with another man. She realized this at some point sunday afternoon, and to be honest, I don't know the first way to help her relearn the basics on how to stick with boundaries that uphold her basic moral beliefs.

All of our close friends and family, our entire support group communicates with each other through facebook, both hers and mine. We eliminated all friends of opposite sex for her, so what's left is a bunch of girls and our family members(both male and female). Our rule is, I always have her password and can sit on her FB account all day every day, if I want. There is a keylogger on our computer now, a nanny cam program on her phone and 250 friends and family that now know her warning signs and at least 200 of them, through the exposure, now want to help her keep this from ever happening. She is aware of all of this, is happy that it's in place. For the first time in the 12 years we've been together, she's talking to everyone about what happened, what's going to happen, why it happened, why it shouldn't have happened, how to keep it from happening ever again and she's asking for help from me, from our families, our friends, etc. She has always been closed off completely from everyone else, half closed off to me, so I believe this is a huge step.

I know it's still an extremely risky situation, more so with FB still alive but I'm hoping it's a double edged sword that can help hold her accountable for a while until we can move.

Sorry, just saw your other post indiegirl. I have read his thread, I don't feel that way. I have absolutely no problem sitting on her FB page, monitoring the nanny cam software, reading all the key logs(have remote access with screen shots, all passwords, chat logs, etc.) She also has no problem with any of this, I was open with her about how I would be checking on this, she accepts it. She also understands I talk to all of her friends, they all understand I will be checking with them, and SHE told them all to tell me everything and to cut her no slack/hide nothing from me.

That would be fine for a couple who had never experienced an affair. But the web is the LOCATION of where her As have already been had.

There's a lot of security and checking up, which I approve of, there but it won't stop the site from triggering her. At all.

Facebook is also an absolute landmine of 'Remember this!' flagging up stuff that has already happened. It also links in posts of acquaintances trying to connect people. I have done my utmost to try and block my XWH but it was a long time before I stopped getting little reminders now and then of stuff that had happened in the past. People who are mutual acquaintances also mentioned him. It is more than likely that there will be huge triggers and remember-whens sent your WW's way.

Facebook is like standing in the middle of the street holding a 'look at me!' sign. All social media is like that. No one is telling you to lock your wife in the closet but it should be apparent to you that she likes to get her needs met online and that condition needs be eliminated.

There's also nothing stopping the OM from messaging her. Or somebody else.



What does 'double edged sword' mean in this case? To me it means good aspects and bad aspects, and there are no good aspects of keeping a wayward triggered to my knowledge.

Are you testing the alcoholic with whisky? Because that is also known as setting someone up to fail.

My guess is that she will remain triggered and in withdrawal whenever she logs on to FB. From there she may get tempted to google OM. That is a common thing done in withdrawal.

Since you seem to be testing her, I don't imagine it will go down too well with you when you see that on your logs.

It just seems like a very unecessary risk to take so you can hear what people are having for lunch.

I'm afraid you are wasting your time with a counselor who is encouraging your wife's navel-gazing, and trying to "change the way (your wife) views commitment." Perhaps you should ask your counselor how many marriages she has saved by diagnosing the problem as a faulty view of commitment.

You are correct that the root cause of your wife's affairs is her lack of boundaries with other men. The Marriage Builders program addresses that issue by requiring something called "Extraordinary Precautions" (EP's). EP's are absolutely necessary to "affair-proof" and protect the marriage from further infidelity. Dr. Harley recommends listing all the conditions that made the affair possible, and then eliminating each of those conditions. In your case, the numero uno condition is Facebook, so that should be the first thing to go. Since she has also used homeowner's meetings, a particular gas station, and the carpool line at school to facilitate her affair, she should be banned from each of those places as well. (I realize this is going to be inconvenient, but it's a heck of a lot easier than enduring another affair.) You admitted "she has NO ability to stop doing dumb stuff," so why are you giving her access to everything that enables her to continue doing dumb stuff? That is like telling an alcoholic that it is okay to continue hanging out in bars, because there is no way to guarantee that the alcoholic will remain sober by staying out of bars. Your counselor's advice defies common sense, and ignores the addictive nature of an affair.

Moreover, you are wasting time by trying to view this as a special case due to "deep-seated issues" and a lack of moral fortitude. Dr. Harley explains that anyone could be tempted to have an affair under certain conditions; the key to avoiding affairs is to avoid those conditions and strengthen the romantic relationship. Also, telling your wife about all of your snooping tactics just teaches her how to avoid getting caught. You're just letting her know that she'll have to buy a disposable phone, etc. the next time she feels like cheating on you. What is the point of that?

Dr H once told a WW she was never allowed to have a male boss ever again. This was a particular condition that had to be met because it was proving a problem for her. In this lady's case she wasn't able to withstand that condition without developing feelings for her superior.

It's natural for certain circumstances to make us feel connected to others.

It has nothing to do with morals, the human brain is designed to make connections with others too.

The male boss ban is unusual, but the FB requirement is q common. It is a website that was initially designed to connect single people and create dating opportunities. It was designed with a college-age audience in mind.

Now you can set up greater privacies and controls but it doesn't change the essential nature of the site.

And it is too late for you wife to experience FB this way anyway. For her it will always be the place she had her affair. It was a component of the drug she became addicted to.

"I know ya'll are going to think I'm crazy, but we didn't eliminate facebook. We did get rid of all friends of the opposite sex, and her password belongs to me and will for as long as we are married."

I would consider this a hopeless case. If after 2 affairs from Facebook you still don't get it, then you will NEVER get it.

Step one is to remove Facebook. If Facebook is more important than your marriage then you don't have a marriage and are wasting our time here.

"I understand what you are saying indiegirl. The root cause of the affair isn't facebook, it's my wife's ability to set boundaries and stick to them, she identified this"

The "root cause" is that your wife is addicted to Facebook and has demostrated over and over and over again that she cannot resist the temptation of being on Facebook.

Until you eliminate this foolish risk, your chances of recovery are hopeless and you will endure more affairs. Some people have to be hit over and over again to are up. I fear you are one of those people.

I also suspect you know your wife would rather leave you than give up Facebook. It is immensely more important to her than you and the kids.

C&K perhaps you can explain why you need it? I can't see any need for Facebook other than a lack of good books in the house.

I am getting the impression you feel a need to 'trust' your wife, so you are giving her scenarios in which she must prove herself?

Am I on the right lines or am I putting words in your mouth?

When I first read the subject line of your thread, "How do I compete with Facebook?" I assumed you weren't seriously trying to compete with a social networking website. Now I'm not so sure.

MelodyLane suggested your wife may be addicted to Facebook, and more likely to give up her marriage than give up the "fixes" she gets from that website. Are you afraid your wife will leave if you insist she close her Facebook account? The reasons you gave for allowing her to keep Facebook--after it led to 2 extramarital affairs!--do not make sense. There must be another reason. I'm wondering if this is it...

Dr. Harley has found that recovery is impossible if a spouse is actively engaging in an addiction, so the addiction must be addressed before marriage counseling can be effective. If your wife is actually addicted to social networking, then there is no point trying to recover from her affairs at this time. It won't be possible. (The reason is because an active addict will not follow the policies of radical honesty and joint agreement. Following those policies is essential in recovering from an affair.)

Ground hog day?

If your wife isn't actually addicted to Facebook, you can begin recovery by eliminating Facebook and implementing the other necessary EP's. If she refuses to give up Facebook in order to begin recovery, that could be a sign that she is genuinely addicted to social networking on that website. If that is the case, then you're dealing with a "two-time, two-timer" who is actively engaging in an addiction which facilitates her extramarital affairs.

Regardless of whether she is addicted to Facebook, it has got to be eliminated. You are setting yourself up for another false recovery if she keeps it.

Cars...,
We are worried that the progress you make will be derailed by the very source of the problem: Facebook.

Facebook is a breeding ground for affairs, not just yours. And even though you are sharing a page, she can still run into people of the opposite sex. There will be people who try and friend her or who are seeking her out there. Their picture will pop up and she will be triggered. The very act of posting to the wall or messaging someone could trigger the memories of her affair and whet her appetite to contact the OM. Next thing you know she's opening up a secret account, and voila! The slippery slope.

I'll share a story with you. When my FWW ended her affair and came back home, she asked me to get rid of Facebook. Neither of us had started an affair on it. But she recognized the dangers of it, and I have to say, I agreed with her.

Facebook was a great way for me to stay in touch with distant relatives who I don't have contact with and old friends as well. But getting rid of it was a small price to pay for a marriage that is fully recovered and thriving. In fact, because I spend quality time with my wife and kids each night, I really don't miss Facebook. Food for though, mon ami.

The best thing you can do is forsake