Yesterday I got real down at work. I decided to email my H at his work. We had made a little progress on our latest setback and had reconciled and I was feeling kind of mad at myself for giving in. (See some of my posts as Bottom of the List if your curious)<P>Anyway, I started writing and getting madder and madder and started crying right there at my computer at work as I put down in words everything I was feeling. I reiterated all the things that had hurt and really still were hurting me. I said the same old things I had been (and we had been fighting over) for the past 18 months. I rambled and even hit my keyboard once.<P>Then I did something really stupid, I sent it. I wasn't going to, that wasn't my initial intentions, but I did.<P>I then rushed home to the computer that is set up to check his work mail. I tried to pull it off the server, but it was set up to leave it on the server. I tried to redo the settings, but it didn't seem to be working. <P>I realized I had done something really dumb.<P>Then I called him at work,(he works at a huge Nuclear Power Plant so I had him paged and call back).<P>I told him I had sent him an email that I didn't want him to read and so please go download his email and just delete it. He asked me why and pressed just a little and then promised he would.<P>I'm assuming he did because he wasn't upset when he came home. I then tried real hard to straighten up my mind before he came home (see my post under Bottom of the List called "I really want to love him again" to see what I did when he came home.<P>Today I started beginning to feel low again so I tried something different. I emailed him again and said that instead of telling him why I am feeling down which is what I did yesterday I was going to tell him why I shouldn't be down and then listed all the reasons I should be greatful I have him. It really made me feel better. I cried again, but not once did I hit my keyboard. <P>I sent this one too, but he may be afraid to read it.<P>I guess it says a lot about my H that he didn't read it. I know the temptation for me would have been overwhelming. If he did read it and I trully believe he didn't, then it still says a lot that he could read it and understand that he didn't need to let it bother him.

You're doing great!! Keep it up, it will make a world of difference as you both heal!!<P>BTW, it is AMAZING that he didn't read it... that certainly does say something about him -something very nice.<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Something I want to point out.<P>I felt good after I sent him a list of the good stuff.<P>So much of the healing comes from inside.<P>I also read some scripture dealing with the strength we get from God.<P>He really didn't do anything, yet 2 days ago I was ready to leave. I am talking permanently. I had found a Divorce attorney and was considering apartments.<P>Now I am watching the clock and made sure my hair was done and makeup in order so that I will look good when I greet him at the door.<P>WOW

I was a little disappointed when H came home from work. He was very tired, but seemed to be okay otherwise.<P>He never had a chance to check his email today. He works in the plant and doesn't have an office so he and the other operators have to log onto a computer during a slow time in order to check email. He said it never slowed down and he never checked his mail.<P>Oh well, maybe he will read my heartfelt email tomorrow.

Regarding men not reading email that they are told not to, my H can do this as well. Plus he knows I spend hours here at MB and he says he never drops in to see what I am saying.<P>Is it respect or conflict avoidance or lack of interest? I try to think it is respect but I do wonder...<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

I know what you mean about lack of interest.<P>My H does respect my privacy, he always has. On the other hand he encourages me to snoop concerning him. He says that everytime I don't find anything, maybe I regain just a little bit of faith in him.<P>I would like my H to post here. I would like for him to have an outlet for his feelings. I am not the best shoulder to cry on. I'm working on it though.<BR>

My H posted here for a VERY short while (his name is 3wishes) but he became very discouraged. He is jealous of this board's role in my life, hates computers in general, and gets upset when he reads my messages. He <B>wants</B> to believe in total honesty, but in reality he cannot. I liked the idea of both of us being here so that everyone can get an idea of "the other side" but it just didn't work out. Sad, I think.<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>