My wife and I have been married for 4 1/2 years. We have two children (3yr and 1yr). We have a rocky history. We started dating around 10 years ago. As most relationships are it was very exciting at first. She was practically bursting with exuberance and enthusiasm for our relationship. That doesn't last and after about 2 years she was unfaithful. I caught her cheating (she was having a physical relationship with someone she met at work) and after a period of time during which she kept dragging me along and giving me the impression that there was hope I finally ended it. Over a year later (maybe closer to two) she started contacting me again and wanted to get back together. She had ended her relationship with the man she had an affair with because he was emotionally and physically abusive and recently she told me she wanted to get back together with me because she knew me and knew I was safe for her. She stayed with me and a year later we were married. About two years into our marriage I found sexual emails between her and a guy she had gone to college with. At this time we had one child and this was the only thing that held us together. Neither one of us wanted our child to have divorced parents. To this day she denies that anything physical happened but there was an emotional connection. We had many discussions and arguments during this period of time, during which she told me she wished we could stay married but she could have this man as her 'boyfriend'. She severed contact with him, I think mostly because I had sent him an email telling him I knew what was going on and never to contact her again, and because he was married and she didn't want me to reveal anything to his wife. And now we come to the present day. My wife has told me that she doesn't love me. I'm not the type of person that she should be with. I don't give her what she needs emotionally and socially. I am an introvert and have not displayed my affection for her enough. She said this along with many hurtful things. She said she doesn't know what she wants (meaning if she wants to be married or not). Since she told me this I found out there was another man. Every time these types of things have happened in our past and present she will deny, deny, deny until I point to the proof. She gets so mad when I uncover the lies. So currently we have gotten to a point where I know she is currently having a physical relationship with another man, she doesn't know if she wants to be in this marriage, she doesn't seem to show any sign that she is going to stop her affair, we have two children that I desperately want to protect from a divorce, and when I strip away all the anger and hurt that I'm feeling I somehow find that I still love her, or I could if she would let me. She has a great deal of resentment towards me for a decision I made in the past that caused us to move away for a job. She carries around a lot of guilt from our past and I've never helped her with it. I never truly forgave her for the things she's done. When she got home tonight she sat in the car for several minutes and I could see that she was deleting stuff from her phone. She was so distant and cold. I made no accusations and tried to make sure that everything I said was not going to add to her guilt or push her further away. We talked a little and she told me after her first "affair" when we got back together it was because she was coming from an abusive relationship and she knew I was 'safe' and wouldn't hurt her. She feels like we didn't get married for the right reasons. She doesn't feel like she truly loved me. I know she is continuing her affair and has no intention of stopping currently. She doesn't know if she wants to save our marriage. She said her reasons for this are because she doesn't think I will be able to forgive and forget, because she doesn't understand why I still want to be with her, and because she doesn't feel anything. She said this is a cycle that keeps happening about every two years and it will probably happen again. She spoke with a lady at our church about this today but said she told her there was no physical component to any of her transgressions because she didn't want to talk about that, so if shes not being honest with anybody I don't know how things are going to get any better. After her talk (and after some of our arguments when I said I couldn't do this anymore) she completely turns around and wants things to get better, but hours later she goes back to being cold and distant. How do I forgive and start trusting when we both know she is continuing to lie and be unfaithful? I don't know how to endure this without having an end in sight or even whether there is an end. She keeps fluctuating between wanting to try and not. This back and forth emotional roller-coaster is killing me.

Also, I haven't slept in days but she sleeps like a baby. We never have time to talk because our schedules are opposite, but often at night she will 'go to a friends house' for a few hours instead of coming home to talk. I want to save my marriage, for my sake, but more importantly for my children. It makes me sick just thinking about them growing up in a broken home.

Hey tgudroe
Have you read the welcome aboard thread at the top of the surviving an affair thread list?

You have to first kill the affair through exposure. Expose to everyone, friends, family, clergy and especially if the OM is married expose to his wife.

As long as WW is in an active affair nothing else you do will have any effect. But the MB plan works IF you follow it.

The vets will be here shortly to help guide you in this. You should write with paragraphs to make it easier to read.

You can do this! MB is the plan read every thing on this site and buy Dr. Harley's book SAA but in the meantime EXPOSE her affairs!

tgudroe, I'm sorry for the things that have brought you to this site. Welcome. You are in the right place to help you fix this.


For your next post hit the Notify button and ask the Moderators to move your thread to the Surviving an Affair section of this forum. The posters there will give you exact advice on what you need to do to end this nightmare, one way or another.

wle2 has already given you some important advice.

Passing this on from a veteran poster (who is missed a lot around here!)

Here is your game plan. Most betrayed husbands haven't the courage to follow it fully,
to their own discomfiture. Those that do have remarkably better results than the rest.

THE BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. (�Eblaster� can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take �personal� calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and �on� whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.


WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,

9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife�s contacts, to the tune of: �I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333�
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM�s contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.