Hi,

My wife wanted to separate 10 days ago. I listened to her list of complaints/feelings. I'm a worker through it we just need some guidance and ground rules. She said no I want you out no communication. Nothing. I said what about money and the bills? She's a student. I'll get a job I'll take care of it myself I want nothing to do with you.

I moved out that night. All of my things.

I've had no contact with her. This is painful it's nothing I wish on anyone. She's contacted me once for money said she was looking for a job. She called a few days later berating me for canceling the utilities, cable, etc... I restated what she told me and how I interpreted the conversation. I didn't mean to cause her hardship I just thought she wanted truly nothing to do with me.

The problem is that she wants money to stay apart from me. She doesn't want to work on our marriage or give it thought that what she demanded was foolish and has left herself in a tough situation. She asked for extra money to buy presents and said I'd give her extra money if I loved her.

I work a lot and hard. Self-employed carpenter. When living together my common complaint was she was never home, I felt alone and like a checkbook that needs some loving. This is an on going problem in which I've asked her to be home when I get home because she's my best friend and I enjoy time with her. To which she ignores and the checkbook situation continued.

So now faced with the same situation only she's has demanded the separation. I refuse to be treated this way. I would never treat anyone this way let alone tolerate this treatment. I'm not mad just disappointed that she'd be so quick to separate only and excommunicate me only to call me to ask for money.

She's got an odd way of handling important decisions...ignoring the elephant. I'm going to tell her that she can either choose to live independently or choose to move in with me and we will work on it? I'm asking her to grow up. Is this wrong of me? I'm just tired of feeling used like I'm raising a teenager...

Your words are more than welcome. Thank you.

How long have you been married? Do you have children?

You need to move back home and start doing a great Plan A. Be a really good husband and eliminate your love busters. What did she complain about?

It is VERY important to find out if she's having an affair. Don't automatically dismiss the notion that she could be doing so. Many many people have come to this site swearing up and down that there was NO WAY MY spouse could be having an affair, yet it turned out that they were.

So snoop quietly by installing a keylogger onto her computer; see if you can get into her phone. Is there anyone she has talked about recently that she might be involved with? Has she said I love you but I'm not in love with you?

How long has it been since you've had a loving relationship?

I would suggest your order copies of Read His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters, and in the meantime you read Dr. Harley's articles on this site. Those resources will arm you to better fight for your marriage.

LongWayFromHome is right in that you should be suspicious of an affair. Your wife's independent lifestyle is a big problem that she will have to change if you are to recover. Another thing to consider is are there any things you need to change? Are there needs you are not meeting and are there things you are doing to erode her love for you? Chances are the answer is yes to both questions.

I am not laying the blame on you, but when a relationship dies, its almost always because both parties fail to meet each others needs and they both do things that take away the love that was once there.

Thanks for the advice. She complains about everything. Even when I try to cook her favorite breakfast! I've asked what I need to do to meet her needs? What are her needs? She says she doesn't know.

She's been like this for about a year. I've strived to be open and honest and there for her. I'm going to codependent anon because I've noticed that I've gotten into a routine of expecting a positive response and basing my feelings on them. She's oblivious to my expectations that I've vocAlized calmly.

I know I'm a good person but I feel used.

How long have you been married? Do you have any children?

Are you snooping to discover if there's an ongoing affair? The reason for ruling out an affair is because if there's an affair, it will change the plan for you. So be sure to work on that. Does she have FB? Does she spend a lot of time out of the home without any accountability? Can you put a GPS on her car? A keylogger on her computer/phone? You really need to find out what she's doing when she's not with you.

What happened a year ago that might have turned her around so that her love bank is closed to you?

Most women have the two intimate emotional needs of conversation and affection. These must be done in the way the woman likes. The other ENs for most women are Honesty and Openness, Family Commitment, and Financial Support. Keep in mind that these are generalities, and your wife may have a slightly different order of needs. But start with these.

She complains about everything? Can you please make a list of her complaints so we can help you with this?

Have you read up on love busters? They are selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, independent behavior and dishonesty.

Do you argue with her? All arguing needs to stop.

You need to find out if your wife is having an affair. While you are snooping quietly, eliminate your love busters. Pay attention to your wife's complaints. Try to meet her ENs.

Edited to add: Oh, yes...and move back home!!