Hello, all. I'm new here, but have lurked for a little while now. I'm really hoping to get some help if at all possible. My story is complicated�please bear with me.

My husband and I have been married going on 12 years. I am 42 and he is 35. We have 2 girls�.a 15 yr old (from his 1st marriage) and a 9 yr old together. I found out in September that he had been having an affair since July. Both of our girls play travel softball and he is the head coach of our oldest's team. The OW is a mom of one of the girls on the team. Her daughter is our daughter's best friend off the team.

Before DD, my husband had began pretty much ignoring me. He wouldn't look at me, be in a car with me, and would not be home alone with me. I had asked my husband 3 separate times prior to DD if he was having an affair, and he always said no. When I had proof that he could no longer deny it, I confronted him. He said he'd end it�of course, this didn't happen. He said he wasn't emotionally connected to me any longer and he enjoyed talking to the OW. He said it was new, exciting. He said that he had a lot of anger from over the years. I was not that into sex for a long time. We averaged once per month. I take full responsibility for that. I should have gone to the doctor to get help where that was concerned. He also informed me that my stepdaughter hated me and that I've been nothing but mean to her during our marriage.

My stepdaughter and I have had a rocky relationship. She does not like to be told what to do at all. We've had rounds over chores, but her only chores were taking out the garbage and unloading the dishwasher�.which she no longer does either of those. I've never tried to be her friend, and I didn't feel I should. In my opinion, she needed structure and discipline�neither of which she got at her mother's.

I found out that my stepdaughter was pushing for my husband to leave me for the OW. She is in the middle of the whole affair�she knows way more about it than I do. She is constantly on the phone with the OW. If I leave the house, she lets the OW know she can call my husband. I don't even feel comfortable in my own home anymore. She's the OW's eyes and ears to everything that goes on in this house.

I told my husband on 2 separate occasions that we should just file. I told him I wanted to do it as nicely as possible. Each time he would start backtracking. He asked for time. He went to his mothers for 2 days to find "him". When he came back, he said he was about ready to work on our marriage.

He has since been really loving toward me. But, at the same time, he's still seeing her. He's told me several times that he had ended it�only for me to find out otherwise. I found out that he had seen her last Wednesday. I just told him I couldn't do this any longer. He said that he would end it last Friday and would give me his trac fone that she has paid for him to have this whole time.

After he got home from work last Friday, he came in and said he ended it again. He did give me the phone which only had 1 service day left on it. We talked some and everything seemed really good.

Monday we were talking and I was telling him things that had gone through my head throughout this whole ordeal�like he was just using me until he didn't need me anymore. I was just trying to be honest and get some things off my chest. Well, the next thing I knew he was angry and was asking me if I had been having him followed or had I put a tracking device on his phone or truck. I was completely shocked. I have never done any of those things. I knew when he saw her because he keeps a shirt in his truck to change into when he does. I had informed him earlier in this that she sheds. I just placed the shirt where I'd know if he had put it on and took it off. But he says it had to be more than the shirt.

He's been different since all that. Then last night she called his cell twice and I'm pretty sure he saw her. Also, my stepdaughter was in a decent mood and then all of a sudden went to hollering and screaming and twerking (yes, i said twerking) around the house. It was absolutely crazy. She was in the best mood EVER. So, I believe the OW let her know they saw each other.

At this point, I just don't know what to do. I love my husband so much and I want to save my marriage�.but how much can I take? I'm down to 95 pounds. Any and all advice appreciated.

I

Wow. You have certainly been through the ringer! Even if your husband ends his affair, he will still need to dramatically change his approach to parenting your stepdaughter. (I know how hard it is to put your spouse ahead of your child from a previous marriage, but he will have to learn how to do that if your marriage has any hope of recovering.)

Also, I noticed that you married your husband when his daughter was only 3 years old. Did you meet him when he was still married to his first wife? If your stepdaughter blames you (rightly or wrongly) for the break up of her parents' marriage, that would help explain why your relationship with her is so strained.

In addition, Dr. Harley explains that a girl is more likely to clash with a stepmother (than a stepfather), and a boy is more likely to clash with a stepfather (than a stepmother). So your stepchild's gender could actually be part of the problem. Dr. Harley also says that the parent and stepparent should be in enthusiastic agreement over discipline, and the stepparent should allow the parent to handle discipline whenever possible. To foster a good relationship with the stepchild, Dr. Harley also recommends that stepparents strive to "be the giver of all good things"; in other words, let her dad be the bad guy.

Nowords,

The OW needs to be exposed massively. Do not tell ANYONE what you are going to do, do not warn or threaten.

The first exposure target needs to be the OWH, other womans husband, gather every scrap of evidence, let him know that it is a sexual physical affair. If the OW claims to be separated it does not matter she is still married, even if she is divorced I would expose to the exH.

Do not let you H or OW know what you are doing they will paint you as a crazy.

Gather all of her family, facebook, church, work and etc contacts, then expose to them along with OWH.

The exposure should be done as quickly and completely, do it as soon as possible.

God Bless
Gamma

I agree that you need to expose this affair immediately. I realize it is softball offseason now, but I would be sure to include the other softball parents, coaches, league commissioner, etc. on your exposure list.

* Incidentally, during the years that my daughter played on a travel softball team, one of the assistant coaches had an extramarital affair with the team's pitching coach, another assistant coach married an umpire, the head coach's wife had an affair with her daughter's private batting coach, and the league commissioner left her husband and children for another woman!

My husband had been divorced from my stepdaughter's mother when we started dating. My stepdaughter doesn't even like her mother. Her mother has always been a bit wild and has done time in prison for drugs. My stepdaughter has NOT had it easy.

The OW is single so exposing the affair to a husband is impossible.

Well, if I were you, I'd go ahead and expose this affair far and wide. If you click on the first thread in this section, "Start Here First - Welcome Aboard!" you'll see links which explain why exposure is necessary and how to do it properly.

I'm sorry but is that not going to just make everything worse?? I apologize if I sound dumb in all this, but I'm just completely emotionally drained. I'm fairly certain I'm not too far from a nervous breakdown.

Welcome to MB.

Have you seen this?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

nowords, keep this site a secret from your husband for now. He is NOT in your camp at the moment. He will need to end all contact and do lots of other things before you will be in a position to talk about re-building your marriage.

Yes you'll need to expose so that you can break up the affair. Gamma gave some spot on advice above.

Also, have you read this? How to Survive Infidelity

Dr. Harley has many more free articles and newsletters on this site. You can browse them all by clicking the links in the red section above.

If you are close to a nervous breakdown, you could benefit greatly from the support exposure provides. (Instead of suffering in silence, you will have the understanding and support of family and friends who love you and want your marriage to succeed.) You should also consider asking your physician for antidepressants. (You are undergoing something unspeakably painful. There is no shame in asking for a prescription or a medication adjustment if that would help get you through this.) Also, if you are at the point where you simply can't take anymore, you should seriously consider Plan B. Beneath the exposure links in the "Welcome Aboard" thread, you'll also see a link to Plans A & B.

nowords, please go read the thread in my signature about how to expose. The only chance you have at saving your marriage - and this is a long shot because you have allowed it to go on so long - is exposure. I see no other hope.

In addition, you will need to separate from your husband until he completely ends all contact with this OW. That will send you right into a nervous breakdown and once that happens, your marriage is done.

Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it wide and far will hasten its death. We have had affairs end the day they were exposed. In your situation, it will hasten its death. But it has gone on for so long in secrecy that it is very entrenched. It will take a while for it to crumble IF you expose it.

So, please go read my thread now and start making preparations. Sorry for the reasons that have brought you here.

Nowords, you need to make plans to separate from your husband immediately. Can you ask him to leave? Or will you have to move out with your daughter in order to effect a separation?

Does your 9 year old know all about the affair?

My daughter is oblivious to what is going on. She's completely in the dark. I have considered asking him to leave. Right now, I don't want to ruin my daughter's Christmas.

Also the majority of my husbands family an close friends already know about the affair. In fact, they knew before I did.

I would sit her down and tell her exactly what is happening. You will ruin your daughters Christmas when you have a nervous breakdown right before her eyes from allowing yourself to be abused in such a flagrant and brazen manner. The best thing you can do for your daughter is protect your mental health and remove yourself and her from this SICK, DEMENTED situation.

Tell her all about the affair now. She very likely knows about it and your silence is only causing her mass confusion and insecurity. Children are not made happy or secure with lies and illusions. The facts help them deal with the situation.

You do your child no favors by staying around in this sick situation.

Did you read this?

Please stop dismissing the tactics here if you want to save your marriage. It is up to you to tell them all the truthful facts AND ask for their help. If you have not done that, then you have NOT exposed the affair.

I would also plan on exposing the affair to the softball parents and the head of the softball organization. A "head coach" who commits adultery with the parents of other girls is not an appropriate leader. The leaders of this org and the other husbands need to know what kind of man your husband is so they can remove him from this position and protect their own marriages.

It is very important that you expose this affair widely, nowords. The more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable.

I should also point out that I have been a stay-at-home mother since I had my daughter. My husband and I both worked at the same place which involved working swing shifts. We mutually decided that I would quit to take care of the children. I am financially dependent on him, unfortunately. I have been putting in resumes for a couple of months now, but apparently it's hard to find employment if you haven't worked for almost 10 yrs.

That is fine. He will have to continue to support you as he has before. You should also contact a lawyer and file for separation/divorce to make SURE he continues to support you and your daughter.

Will he move out?