Help!! I feel that I have no one to talk to and I found this link and hoping to get some help. My husband just found out (4 months) ago that I had been having an affair for the past 5 years. We have been married for 17 years and have two small children. I will back up a bit, 5 years ago this "affair" was discovered by the other persons wife (yes he is married with 2 small children as well). At that time is was very emotional and nothing physical at that time, we broke it off for a period of time after that, but then we picked it up again and then became physical. I was at that time "in love" with him, we had discussed leaving out spouses to be together. AS time went on I realized that I did not want to be with him and I tried to break it off with him several times, However everytime he would reach out to me and I will fall back into his "trap". It has been an emotional 5 years dealing with him and working on my family. My husband is very good to me, however for some reason 5 years ago we somehow grew apart. He almost had an admitted affair at that time, however didn't go through with it. The past 2-3 years have gotten better between my husband and I, however that is hard to believe when I still kept the contact with the other man. The other man would always tell me that he loved me and I would tell him that the way he treated me was not love and our "relationship" was just about sex, which only was a few times a month maybe. I do love my husband and his family and I do not want us to get divorced. He is a wonderful father. I wish I could explain what happened to us. He discovered some very sexual text messages between me and the other guy, that was how we got caught. I can say that since we got caught it feels like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, hwoever now I'm dealing with several other emotions.
The other guy was my boss at work, work found out and we were both placed on admin leave for 3 months, I have since returned to work as awkward as it is for me with my co workers and he has since resigned from his employment. Our lives, employment, and town have all been dragged through the mud for the past several months. My husband tells me often that I have ruined everything, our family, we have no friends left, my job. I try to be positive every day, however it is getting harder trying to keep everything together and put on that happy face to pretend that nothing matters. It all matters. I hate what I have done to everyone and all the relationships that I have caused.
I work in a school as well and to hear that people don't want me working with their children kills me! These kids don't know what I have done and my job with children has nothing to do with my affair, it doesn't change what I do for the community and for the children! I don't have the desire to do anything, its 11am and I'm still sitting in bed, this is what I would rather do and normally I am a very active person! I find myself crying at the drop of a hat all the time. I just want a new "normal"! I feel that will never happen because I have lost so much. I could go on and on, as you see I just need a place that I can vent and try to get some of this out so that I can move on in a positive way. We have started counseling, but my husband feels that all that does is beat up on me the whole time, but I feel that he needs to say things, I have hurt him so badly through all of this and I can never take pain away from him. I think this is a good start!?

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Please start your own thread so you can get proper help.

Could you please send your husband here? Whether he chooses to divorce you or to try saving the marriage, there is a tremendous amount of free information and support available to him on this website.

hi alkatraz, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are in the right place.

One thing that stands out to me here is your job. Of course, many parents would not want you around their children. You demonstrated extremely poor judgement and a lack of respect for marriage and family by having an affair with a married man. You did that to his children too. That is what parents are concerned about. My sense is that it would be best for ALL if you left that job. It would make the parents feel better and you would not have to hear about the affair all the time. They will be talking about it for years and mothers won't want you around their husbands or their children because you have no respect for marriage.


We can help you and your husband recover from this if he will come here. One of the downsides of counseling is that they contirnually discuss the affair, which is a big no no in the proper steps for recovery. Once you have given him all the facts about the affair, it should NEVER be brought up again.

Our recovery process works like this:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Have you and your BH been tested for STD/I?

Another suggestion might be to move to another town and start over. The school probably didn't "manage" you out because they fear a sexual harassment lawsuit. But when a subordinate is left hanging around after such a debacle, the other employees/customers treat her like a pariah. I have seen this happen in my own company. The employees were so mean to the adulterers that it became intolerable. If you are in a small town your reputation will precede you and most employers won't hire you because of the affair. You might be better off going to another town with your husband.

Moving to a new place will give you both a fresh start away from so many reminders of the affair. I know it will help your husband tremendously.