Anything that you enjoy doing so much that you do it without regard for the feelings of your spouse will damage, and possibly ruin, your marriage. But that kind of behavior is not necessarily an addiction. It can simply be a selfish and foolish choice.

One of the best ways to determine if your spouse is a sex addict or merely being selfish and foolish is to ask why he or she persists in a sexual behavior that is known to offend you. An addict will express the compulsive aspects of the problem and have a deep feeling of guilt for doing it. He or she may even describe something like an "out of body" experience, knowing it's wrong but can't stop.

But you may hear the answer I hear from most husbands who view pornography, a sexual behavior that's offensive to most wives: "There's no harm in it as long as my wife doesn't find out." They don't do it because they feel compelled -- they do it because it's entertaining. What these husbands do is consistent with their general philosophy of marriage, which is that it's sometimes healthy to engage in independent behavior, and that the Policy of Joint Agreement is ridiculous.

Men who view pornography, frequent strip clubs, and even have sexually explicit chats with women on the internet don't usually fit the description of an addict. They readily admit (at least to me) that they violate the Policy of Joint Agreement because they believe that their wives do not have the right to dictate what they can and can't do. In other words, they're being selfish and foolish

If it doesn't turn him on, great!!

That means 'No problem, honey - consider porn a thing of the past', right?

Does he watch it for IC?

I think you may need to get out the RH questionaire,

What is IC and RH?

H had an A with a woman (that I counted as a friend) 18 years ago. I fact, our families were friends (kids the same age, etc). Our DD (she was just a toddler) and I caught them. OW is now our auto insurance agent. Lives just down the road. Maybe see her once/month or less. After learning about this all he!! broke loose. One thing I remember H saying after the affair was revealed is that the whole time it was happening all he could think was what would '19kl83' say.

Since that time we have had many ups and downs. Labor day weekend 2012 I caught him "cheating" again...looking at porn and dating web sites. This was the third time he has been caught...so he knows my feelings on the subject. Actually, it is his hiding it from me that bothers me the most!

As I mentioned before...work is H's main focus all the years we have been married. He owns his own company and it has always been a struggle to pay bills. He doesn't gamble, drink or spend money. All his income goes to pay bad debt. I do his books so I know this is true. He works very hard, we have just had a very hard time financially!

We saw a counselor for a short time after the A. Guess what?!? the counselor said we.....wait for it...needed to spend time w/ each other. He recomended that I take the kids and a picnic lunch to the job site. I did this numerous times only to have H running around the job site toget his hired men ready for the next phase of the job.

I have told H many times that I am on the bottom of his "totem pole" he always denies it. After a big blow up, like the Labor Day weekend one, things are better for a while (he pays more attention to me)then things start to back slide again. Every time we backslide I feel like I care even less to make our M work.

I found this website while searching for a counselor (that I didn't think would do much good and we couldn't afford anyway). I have ordered 2 of Dr H's books. Hope to read them to H. He always wants me to read, then recap it to him, but that method is just not as good.

I really feel if we could agree to 15 hrs UA, have our EN met, his EMT time wouldn't bother me. We "got into it" last night again about dedicating the time. I had a calculator out and asked him to do the math. How many hours in a week - subtract sleep, work, travel, time geting ready for the day, ect. He still doesn't think 15 hours is doable.

Yes. Nothing has changed.

OW is now our auto insurance agent. Lives just down the road. Maybe see her once/month or less.

H has asked me to not separate from him during this very stressful time of bankruptcy and foreclosure. We both understand that these detrimental things going on in our life do not help the relationship. We cant afford two separate living expenses now or later. If we loose our home to foreclosure the only place we will have to live is with MIL. I am so discouraged and heart broken. I feel I have wasted so much time in my life. I want our relationship to be a great one so no more time will be wasted.

We don't know how to negotiate. We did POJA a situation last week. But he said my solution to the situation was one where 19kl83 won. I was very hurt by his comment because my solution was me giving up 2 hours volunteer time for 2 hours AU time for us. If he saw UA time as important it would have been a win/win solution.

I would never feel like I was sacrificing if I gained UA time.

H said I would "win" whether I continued my volunteer position (against his wishes) or if we spent the time in UA.

I feel very sad when he feels UA is just a win for me, it should be a win for him too. He would like me to give up this volunteer time to work the construction business.