If you feel like your own lawyer is doing it for the sisterhood, something is way off here. For a start, not many women I know have an intuitive sympathy for women who leave their kids for the boyfriend, so you shouldn't be getting this 'girls are all in it together' vibe. Nevertheless it happens.

If this is the instinct you're getting, it doesn't sound like she is the bulldog you need to overcome the system bias.

Can you get a lawyer who is better?

Did you do this, Eden?

I have not done this yet, but will today, and ask my attorney about filing contempt complaint.

I spoke with my attorney on the phone and since I had been telling her earlier that I may be interested in at least attending family therapy with my wife (which would be precluded by the RO), she brought up the possibility of doing a civil restraint but with the condition that if my wife violates the civil restraint I would have the right to reinstate the restraining order. I know what Dr. Harley's advice to me was, and I know what you all have been saying, but might this option be of any help, if I could find a better therapist. I realize that plan B would probably not allow couples counseling. What do you think?

You probably think I'm crazy, right?

I think you should follow Dr Harleys advice

what qualities and values do you love about her? Her abusive behavioror her cheating

I think you should stop wasting time writing on this forum and FOLLOW DR. HARLEY'S ADVICE!

If you're not going to do what he suggests (or Mel for that matter...), then just stop and go do whatever you're going to do and then come back in February when it's too late telling the vets how right they were and how right Dr. Harley was...

I am still here. I have been going forward with my attorney on preparing my case for the restraining order hearing. After having read much more on domestic violence and physical abuse I am still concerned and fearful that it may happen again if my wife and I were together. I don�t know how soon it would happen, because I think this recent ordeal has sort of put her in her place for now. I have emailed Dr. Harley again. I asked him if there is any chance that the aggressor in a DV situation can be rehabilitated with professional treatment. I imagine my wife may be required by the court to go through a treatment program, whether as a result of her criminal charges or by recommendation by child protective. I spoke with child protective and they are waiting on psychological evaluations (whish will happen in next couple of weeks) to make any recommendations to the court.

During the last couple of child transfers my wife broke down and told me that she cant take it any more being away from the kids and me, and said that she is willing to follow a plan for marital recovery and breaking it off with the OM. I told her my concerns, both regarding her anger/violence and her contact with OM. I certainly don�t feel comfortable living with her until the physical violence is addressed. My attorney said the DV treatment programs can take a year or more to complete.

My wife said her lawyer had drawn up divorce papers but she has had second thoughts and has not wanted to follow through with that. Is it appropriate at this time to even bring up the plan for recovery at this point? Would it even be possible to start on a plan for recovery if we are not living together?

My lawyer has reminded me that this is a domestic violence proceeding and that the issue is whether or not I am still in fear of violence from my wife. I think the thing with my lawyer is that she is really unsure that I am still in fear. But I am concerned about it if my wife were to just move right back in right away, judging from how some of our conversations have quickly escalated to arguments. I cut the conversation off when it gets to this point.

In regard to the affair, my lawyer is taking the history of that into account. Since my wife will likely bring up the fact that that what provoked her to anger was my phone and facebook exposure of the affair. So I did give my lawyer a detailed history of the progression of the affair.

How are you talking to your wife?
Are you still breaking the restraining order during the child exchanges?

Yes. She initiated, but obviously I engaged too. If I don't talk to her directly it must either be through the lawyers or another third party. I had been thinking about drafting a Plan B letter. I know your recommendations but I was feeling it might be helpful to allow communication through a third party as if in a plan B so she could let me know that she will end contact with OM. The other issue is her getting treatment for anger/violence. I think recovery may be workable if these things were to happen. She wants an answer asap since she does not want to go to court next week for RO hearing and also would need to start looking for apartment, since she and the woman she is staying with are feeling the stress of the living arrangement. Also there are the money issues since she does not have enough money to get an apartment if she would have to pay me child support. She still thinks the exposure was the wrong thing for me to do but I see that is having some impact on stressing her relationship with the OM.

I do love the way she had been caring for the children, for the most part, at least before the A took hold of her. I love her sense of humor and her spontaneity, but not when it involves the OM. I love her love and care for extended family. I certainly do not love her abusive behavior and believe she needs treatment for that. I do also value her honesty, in communicating her emotional needs, except when it came to angry outbursts abut it. Though I am not excusing her violent behavior or her choice to have an affair, I realize that I had not been doing all I could to meet her emotional needs, nor was I fully communicating to her the emotional needs of mine that she was not meeting.

Jedi_Knight wrote:

MelodyLane followed up:
On the same day (12/4), you responded:
I got the impression you posted that response because you thought that is what we wanted to hear. Was I correct or did you actually do those things?

Do you like to bang your head against a brick wall?

No chance of recovery if she doesn't agree to all of the Extraordinary Precautions listed by ML earlier in this thread, including, of course, a no contact letter. You must see the letter before it is sent.

You have been very assertive and have shown a strength and resolve that it sounds like she has never seen before in you. She may find that appealing, so remember that if you do opt for recovery.

She will need to get anger management counseling as part of your terms for recovery as well.

Just know that there are a ton of false recoveries because Waywards have a hard time putting down the crack pipe. Sue in SAA is the classic example of this.

How about smashing pizza in your daughters face?
The sad thing is that you can't seem to get away from her and your children will grow up with a very distorted view of what a relationship should look like and what level of care to expect.
Do you want your daughter to grow up and be with a man that looses his temper and shoves his fist in her face?

As a father you should drop the fight for your marriage and focus on your kids.
That is what Dr Harley advised you to do

I am not advising Eden to go against Dr. Harley's recommendation. Dr. Harley told Eden:

"To continue living with your wife who is in love with another man, totally disregards your feelings by flaunting her affair under your nose, and is also physically violent toward you is asking for permanent injury or even death."

It is possible that the first part of what Dr. Harley mentioned has changed, and so if that is the case, Dr. Harley may have a different take. Most affairs die within 2 years, and Eden's exposure and assertive legal actions may have hastened the death of the affair, which is the point of the whole exercise, right? As I stated in my earlier post, she still very well could be in the fog, and if she is, the affair could easily resume. I don't think he's close to be safe yet.

Moreover, the abusive behavior is a huge issue that must be dealt with. Behaviors that involve addiction or Abuse must be addressed before there can be any marital recovery.

If it were my marriage and my family, and my wayward spouse demonstrated a willingness to change in all of these areas, I would write back to Dr. Harley, updating him of the new circumstances.

She smashed a piece of pizza in your child's face and assaulted you in front of your children, yet you "love the way she had been caring for the children"? Do you realize she is creating emotional scars that your children will have for the rest of their lives? Do you care?

And the affair did not "take hold of her." The way you chose to word that reflects your refusal to hold her responsible for her own behavior. You prefer to view this as a situation where she were the "victim" of her own affair, as if she were somehow being manipulated rather than fully in control of and responsible for her own behavior.

She has been living a lie, and you say that you "value her honesty"?! I have never seen anyone engage in such denial in order to continue enabling their spouse's destructive behavior.

It would be bad enough if you were only harming yourself, but your enabling is causing short- and long-term harm to your children as well. Clearly, neither of your kids has a healthy attachment to her. (When school-aged kids are markedly detached or inappropriately clinging with a parent who is their primary caregiver, something is seriously wrong. I hope the upcoming psychological evaluations will shed light on this, and cause CPS to step in and protect your children.)