I want my marriage to survive. First I do love my husband. Need some advice. We have been married 15 years. We are both very emotional people. In a nutshell he has had many infidelities over the years. He has come clean with all of them I think. Just one timers that I know of. I have forgiven him. But maybe not forgotten so I am a little neurotic with where he is and his computer use. He has gone on dating sites to meet people in the past. He has also tried to pressure me into an open relationship. Which I have refused. We have 2 children. Now that being said I have been completely faithful to my marriage sexually. But I have lied to him about finances and hid bills. We had a business that almost doomed us. I know this was wrong but did not want to disappoint him, and always thought it would get better. Well we both decided a few months ago that he would be completely faithful and he would handle all finances. Everything seemed to be going in positive. Well since then he has always questioned me being faithful and thinks that I haven't been. Not true!!! I have tried but we argue about little things. I do believe my problem is that he always tells me when we argue that it will only take him 10 minutes to find a new woman. This hurts me. I know that I am not perfect. And question him a lot. Now he is upset because he heard me discussing our relationship with a friend. Probably something I should not have done. So now he wants to end our marriage because I needed a sounding board. What he did not here was my desire to save my marriage and my love for him. I feel like I need some advice from folks that only know the actual facts. He says that it hurt him to hear me talking about him. I understand but so much has happened. I do not want to lose my husband because I do love him and he is my best friend.

Just a hunch: Your close "friend" is another man. Correct? If so, has your husband been questioning you about this relationship? Are you having an emotional affair?

My friend is a woman that I have been friends with for around 8 years. We have a weekly talk regarding our marriages and bible verses that we share with each other. Also have no problem not talking to her anymore. My husband knows her.

You and your husband have an elaborate history of lying to each other (lies of commission and omission) regarding finances and infidelity. You are both adept at living secret second lives, and you never recovered properly from his affairs. (As you've learned, the "forgive and forget" strategy doesn't work.) You did not implement the necessary precautions to avoid future affairs, and I suspect both of you have problems with boundaries. (Unless your safety is at risk, you should not be confiding things in another person that you wouldn't tell your husband.)

You told us that your husband has had several affairs in the past, but you did not disclose whether you ever had any emotional or physical affairs in the past. Regardless, given your husband's extensive personal history of cheating, he likely has finely-tuned "affair radar." If he strongly suspects you are having an affair, there must be a reason.

I'm relieved that your confidante is a woman, but that doesn't explain your husband's reaction. Why do you think he suspects you are having an affair? Do you think he is trying to control you by isolating you from your female friends? His affairs, dating site usage, and request for an open marriage are all psychologically abusive behaviors. Trying to isolate you from sources of support would be consistent with that sort of domineering, cruel behavior.

You are right we have had lots of secrets. I have not had any affairs not even emotional ones. I believe that he thinks this because he has had so many that he can't believe that I would have been faithful to him. He has actually said that to me. I want to have a good marriage how do you forgive and forget. I can forgive so easily but I can't seem to forget. So I question him. His reaction to my friend is he does not like me discussing issues with people who know him. I sometimes think his questioning of me keeps me from questioning him too much. Not sure if that makes sense

That makes sense. I'm getting an impression that he has been successfully gaslighting you for such a long time that he doesn't even bother to hide his manipulative behavior anymore. He just comes right out and tells you that you he doesn't want you to be close friends with someone you look to for support. That sort of controlling behavior is abusive. If that is what's been going on and your husband refuses to stop, I believe Dr. Harley would advise you to separate.

How do you do that we you are totally fiancially dependent on your husband?

I can see where that could be psychological abuse. I do think sometimes that he does things to get to me. I do know that I am very I tune with how he gets distant at times. I do believe that he is hiding things and that he thinks that he is smarter than me. The open relationship really bothered me because. I am a woman who does not believe in that. He says that if I loved him I would allow him to do what he wants and would understand. I am at my wits end and an emotional basket case him getting so angry with me for talking to my friend almost seems as a reason to again get emotionally distant from me. Not sure.

I didn't mean to ignore your question about "forgiving and forgetting." Dr. Harley has written about the problems with that strategy. (I believe you can search for "Can't we Just Forgive and Forget?" in the "Articles" section of this website.) As you'll see, Dr. Harley recommends something called "just compensation" in cases of infidelity.

Also, if you are a stay-at-home mother, and completely financially dependent on your husband (as I was when my ex husband first moved out), then you should contact your local Domestic Relations office. They will be able to attach your husband's wages so you can collect spousal and child support. (I'd been a stay-at-home mom for 11 years, but within 2 weeks of my ex moving out, I managed to find a job which enabled me to be home every summer and every day when my kids got out of school. Now I work as an adjunct college professor, and the courses I teach are 100% online, so I always work from home. It has been an answer to prayer. )

That is basically the definition of what Dr. Harley calls the "freeloader" approach to a relationship. Again, you can read up on that in Dr. Harley's "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders."

I am reading articles. Thank you!

Waywards tend to pick fights and manufacture "problems" because they are trying to justify their cheating in their own minds.

I think your husband's gaslighting has been very effective; you seem to doubt your basic instincts, and I suspect your instincts are right on the money. My ex husband cheated on me for years with multiple women. By the time he moved out, I'd been gaslighted for so long that I didn't even know whether the sky was blue anymore. I had graduate degrees, but if someone had asked me whether the sky was blue, I probably would have checked with him before answering.

The first thing I would recommend is to order the book Surviving an Affair. The next thing I would recommend is to read up on the "Policy of Joint Agreement" and the "Policy of Radical Honesty," both of which will be essential if you and your husband want to save your marriage.

Hopefully, some of the vets on this site will read your thread soon and provide input. In the meantime, it's great that you are reading the basic concepts.

Also, do you have any spyware in place to see if your husband is currently engaging in an affair, surfing dating websites, etc? If not, I would get some installed, pronto. (You can find helpful tips in the "Operation Investigate" section of this discussion forum.) In addition, all of your husband's affairs should be exposed. Please read up on that as well. (Sorry if it sounds like you need to do a ridiculous amount of reading! Most of the readings I'm recommending are just brief articles on this website.)

No spyware he uses a tablet with a pass code here recently. Also phone is always with him. He also has phone with sprint and will not give me pass code to see that info

You are so right I do not trust my basic instincts. I question everything. I do hope I get some more insight also but you have given me lots to ponder

Uh oh. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide anything. I would tell him that you need to see his phone immediately. If he refuses and claims that he needs "privacy," don't accept that excuse. (He isn't asking for "privacy, he is asking for "secrecy" so he can continue leading a secret second life.) If he won't hand over the phone, provide you with all of his passwords, etc., I would tell him to get out. If he does hand everything over, I would secretly install spyware on those devices. I would also ask him to take a polygraph.

What he has been doing to you is beyond cruel, but you have the power to put an end to it. You don't have to continue living this way.

I did tell him to get out a couple of weeks ago and he told me no. House was in his name. I told him this out of sheer frustration. You see I have no where to go no family to live with and my children are in lots of activities. I do know that I do not want my children to think that this is normal I have asked him to go to counseling and he will not go. I am so glad I came across this website today

Here.
Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

You need to spyware on his phone. When can you do this?

Have you read this?
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