I have been keeping a list of my H's independent behaviour as well as telling him at the time. Telling him directly isn't good though as it creates conflict, so I can see that I should stop that.

How does Dr Harley want couples to use these lists?

Do I record each time my H does IB and give the list to him at the end of each week without further comment?
Do I also make him aware of the IB at the time it happens?

That's what I have been doing as not mentioning it to him means he isn't aware of his IB and just keeps doing whatever it is at the time. But when I tell him, he sees it as having a conflict with me and it makes him unhappy and me too.

How should it be handled?

Write his lovebusters on the form and give it to him once a week.

When he is engaging in Independent Behavior, you can say "I'm not enthusiastic about that," or "This bothers me," but don't start lovebusting him for his Independent Behavior by making demands or disrespectful judgements.

Conflict isn't a bad thing. Dr. Harley says he and Joyce have at least 1 conflict an hour. What's important, though, is to learn to handle the conflict without lovebusters. Most couples find that early in the process, it is best to use the forms to address the lovebusters rather than trying to do it face to face, otherwise the conversation turns into a fight.

Thank you so much for your helpful answer. I will give it a try.

So after he has received the list, he just reads it and I leave it at that? The biggest LB problem at the moment is IB. He just does something and by the time I find out, it's too late to object and reverse it.

E.g. yesterday we went to a bookshop to look for books for his grandkids for Christmas. He showed me the book that our older dd suggested to us the night before and which we had looked at online. As he hands me the book for me to have a look, he says "that's the book we looked at but I've already bought it". I then said that I was unhappy that he did an IB and why didn't he ask me? First he was defensive. Then he said it was just habit. Later in the car he apologized but my angry feeling inside did not go away. We had already disagreed over the Christmas gifts with me suggesting to buy them instead of him making them. I later discovered he'd started to make one anyway and it was half finished. When we disagree, he goes quiet and stops talking to make the conversation stop. Then later he does what he wants anyway. That's been his habit for all of our marriage. So I find it hard to just accept his apology and turn my angry feelings off. He says he's not aware of his cognitive thinking so is not thinking "I'm not going to ask her". He just does it without remembering that he's supposed to get my agreement (he calls it "permission"). But that leaves me with having to accept what I disagree with because by the time I find out, it's too late to change. That makes me angry. What should I do at that point?

He also needs to come up with a plan to eliminate the lovebuster, and you need to approve it. Does he have a plan?

Do you have the "5 Steps to Romantic Love" workbook? The worksheets for creating a plan are in there.

If he has a plan he is working on, then yes, you just leave it at that. It is then up to him to take your feedback and work his plan.


All you need to say is: "It bothers me when you buy gifts without my input." Don't add any judgements or demands to your complaint. Saying "why didn't you ask me?" is adding a demand to your complaint, and possibly a disrespectful judgement. Leave it at "It bothers me ..." This focuses on your feelings and reaction to what he did, and doesn't place any value judgements or demands that things be done your way.

And, it wasn't too late to undo the IB. The book could've been returned. IB was a BIG hurdle for me to overcome, and one of the things I learned early on was that it was up to me to be willing to undo my IB if it bothered my husband. While I was working on eliminating this lovebuster, I cannot count the times I had to say "Markos, I bought this at the store, but if it bothers you, I can take it right back ..."


Have these conversations through email, or in a notebook in which you write back and forth to each other. This will give each of you time to respectfully write your thoughts down without feeling any pressure to respond immediately. This is a GREAT way to learn how to negotiate.

Thank you so much again for taking the time to answer, Prisca. Your suggestions are so helpful to me.

We have the workbook "Five Steps to Romantic Love". My H has no plan for eliminating IB. Like Dr Harley mentions, he is like many men in that he's not overly fond of worksheets although as he experiences the positive outcomes he's now much more willing to take things on, especially if there are sheets for me as well as for him.

He says that he doesn't consciously think about what he's going to do before he does it. So when he has the idea of buying something, he just does it or when he wants to do something but I don't agree, he's not in the habit to stop and negotiate with me. In fact, even I am so used to him just doing things that I often don't realize it until after he's done something. E.g. it only occurred to me that he was making the toy without my agreement when I felt resentful for having to give up UA time so he could finish it.

What could he do to help him remember to get my agreement? I presume that is the plan you are speaking of?

I really, really like your suggestion of what to say. My LB is DJ and criticism and I want to stop them but I am not always clear if something is a DJ or not. My H keeps his feelings to himself so I don't see in his reaction that they make him feel bad and he virtually never criticizes me. After I read the Love Buster book and caught myself instructing him how to do the dishes, I ended up asking him what he thought and to be radically honest. I was shocked by what he told me. I had no idea. I must admit that I was also angry at first that he let me do this for 25 years, had these bad thoughts in response and virtually never spoke up, but then, he's a conflict avoider.

How can I make it clearer to myself if something is a DJ or not? E.g. often it feels to me like I'm being helpful by giving advise, yet he perceives it as a DJ. Is it in how I word it?

I suggested to him last night that he starts to record my DJs so I become aware of them, like I do his IB. He has been feeling like he's the one making all the mistakes, so that will even things out a bit.

What could a plan for myself to stop DJs look like? While getting feedback afterwards will help, I'd prefer not to make the mistakes in the first place but I'm so unclear on what is OK and what isn't. To start with it looked like I could never help anyone do something better but I'm slowly getting the idea that it's in the way I say it. Figuring out how to do that so people feel good about it, is the hard bit. It feels like I'm learning to speak a new language.

Re the book purchase. He had made the purchase online with an overseas seller. I'll have to look into if you can reverse such orders. I would like to talk to him about the option of reversing his purchases but he might interpret that as a punishment?

Okay, I suggest you go through the IB chapter in Lovebusters, then fill out the forms in 5 Steps to Romantic Love. The forms will guide you both through building a plan to eliminate this lovebuster. The two of you will need to be enthusiastic about the plan. It will take a while to change this habit, but if he starts working on it, he CAN do it.

DJs are one of the hardest to eliminate, I think, because they can be so SNEAKY. We often DJ our spouse when we think we're only trying to help.

You should fill out a plan using the forms to eliminate your DJs. Encourage him to keep a list of your DJs and share them with you weekly. Whatever you do, do NOT get upset with him when he hands you his list. Do not argue about what is on the list. Simply thank him for giving it to you. You do not want to discourage his honesty. If you have trouble understanding why something was a DJ, bring it here and we will help you.


It is a new language!
For starters, anything that looks like you are educating him will come across as a DJ. People do not like unsolicited advice -- most people would be offended. We think we are only helping our spouse out, but trying to educate them is a lovebuster. Don't give him advice unless he asks for your help.


It is not punishment to ask him to undo his IB. If you keep the book, your resentment over it will only continue to grow. Ask him to return it. Ask him to pick out a gift WITH you. Do it RESPECTFULLY.