It is a good idea to do so, to maintain Plan B after divorce, for your own emotional well-being.

Thanks, Karmarose. I was thinking it was probably something most people did.

Yes. Alot of BS have stayed in Plan B after D. You don't want to be "friends" after the D. That would be every Wayward's dream.

Here's your show.
Radio Clip of Fancy's Show
Segment #2
Segment #3

Thanks!

How are things? How are you doing?

I'm doing okay. I have a few good friends who are standing by me with my decision to continue Plan B.

WH has recently tried different ways to get a hold of me like calling different friends and having them tell me to call him, calling my work line (I blocked him). He is refusing to use the IM for any communication and would rather not see our daughter at all saying I'm making it unreasonable for him and we should be able to talk like adults.

He's been trying to make amends with his parents. He ended up crashing at his parents house on Christmas Eve and so I had to change my plans. I just dropped off DD for the day and came back later on the evening to pick her up. He tried to engage with me and I ignored him. I just picked up DD and left. His mother doesn't understand my position and she feels like I'm being harsh especially because she thinks he's trying. He still hasn't read my Plan B letter according to the IM. He told her that it would be too painful and he knows what it says. She told him what the terms are for communication to resume. He refuses although he says the affair has ended, but I have no proof.

I have a few friends who I have decided I can not share things with because they don't want to pick sides so they are telling him things about me and how I am doing.

I met with 2 different family law attorneys. One attorney who had personal experience with a family member with an mental illness says of all the people she's consulted, I am the most vulnerable. My livelihood relies too much on him and he's unstable. It seems I'm headed in the direction for a divorce. WH has stopped taking medications and our IM fears WH is only on a deadly spiral downwards.

Thanks for the update. You're doing so well and smart that you don't share with the friends that are trying to give you updates. Keep protecting yourself. Tell them "please don't share anything with me about WH because I need to protect myself from the pain he causes me".

If he was serious about recovery he would read your PBL and show you by his actions that he wants to recover.

How is your self-care going?

That's exactly it. I don't feel that he's sincere about recovery since he's unwilling to read my letter and so I have to stand my ground and not allow contact.

It just shows me that he's still only thinking about himself and his own needs versus the needs of our marriage.

I think I'm doing okay in the self-care arena. We spent a good chunk of time with my family over the Christmas holiday and that was good. I'm eating regularly and sleeping fine. Some nights were hard with tossing and turning with nightmares about the affair and me pushing him into her arms with doing Plan B, but I have noticed that without him here, I am at more peace on a regular basis. I needed this especially for the baby. The kids are really what keep me going. I have my 20 week ultrasound on Monday the 30th, so I hope it goes well.

You are doing BRILLIANTLY, Fancy.



I have, and I will never leave it!!! Plan B is like my very own beautiful protective castle. Indeed, WXH showed up on the doorstep last Christmas Eve with a long face. This Christmas I was not at home, and probably never will be again

Food for thought - I think your IM could be giving you less 'light' and could create a darker plan for you. Stuff like, his not reading the Plan B letter could have gone unmentioned. After all, who cares? The man can read and was given a shot - it matters not when he does read it, or if he will. What she notices regarding his state of mind can similarly go in the so-what-no-need-to-mention bin. I know this will be hard and feel unnatural, especially if you two are affectionate friends, but with practice it will cease to matter and you won't even think to discuss it.

You will both be having way too much girlie Plan B fun to bother about his silly foggy head at all. (Ask me how I know!!!)

Thank you, Indiegirl for your insight. I appreciate your suggestions.

Although, it's hard for us to not discuss his mental stability at all because of his manic/psychotic episode and I do worry that he will end up hurting himself or someone else. As Dr. Harley described, people, men especially with bipolar disorder can become very violent and even end up killing themselves or someone else. It does feel unnatural, as I do love him and don't want him to die. The mental illness and the affair are two very separate issues and I do want to handle them accordingly. I won't be engaging with him and I know I need to stand up for myself. Plan B has been a blessing, even if it isn't super duper dark with knowledge of his overall mental health. I do feel like I've taken control back of my life.

My involvement in his mental health care is a part of my Plan B terms for reconciliation. He needs to allow me to be 100% involved in his mental health care and I want him to be on medications if we are to continue our lives together. It's the only way.

The divorce process is underway and only time can tell what will happen. I have to do this for myself and for my children.

I agree that he is still very much in foggy-land. And I will not bend on my terms. Thank you so much for all the support. I am so glad I found this website. Saved my sanity!

Thats good.

I worry about you with your WH not taking his meds and becoming more unstable. Do you need a restraining order to protect you and the kids from him? I completely agree with you that you should be 100% involved with his mental health if he chooses to recover. As Indie points out, your WH can read. It isn't good enough that he is "trying" - he needs to be DOING to demonstrate a willingness to change.

Take care of yourself and your babies. You have done so well at protecting yourself with Plan B! Simply fabulously awesome!

I completely agree with him having to be DOING vs. just saying that he's trying. Trying is definitely not enough.

I'm not sure if I want to do a restraining order yet. I have the paperwork if I need it and I discussed it with his case manager. She said if I do file the restraining order it complicates things with the court on his mental health needs. I don't feel threatened by him at the moment because his mania has dramatically subsided and he's not focused on violence and anger. He's sort of going the opposite direction and becoming very depressed. It's an option, and I'll use it if I need to.

He finally used the IM to request contact with DD today! YAY! All other avenues for contact with me are blocked and he knows it. He's picking DD up from her grandma's and dropping her off there tomorrow morning. He almost backed out and said nevermind. I didn't want to disappoint my DD since I already had dropped her off, had her packed and told her she was spending some time with her dad tonight and she was so excited. It would have broken my heart to tell her he wasn't coming, but I had the IM double check and WH said he would get her. I don't know why he was trying to back out.

I had to remind his mother not to get involved in the arranging. She wants everything to work out and so she thinks I'm being harsh by not talking to WH. I had to remind her it was for my own protection and asked her to stay out of it and let the IM handle the communication.

Question regarding divorce. In your experience, does it make sense to have IM tell WS that the divorce process is starting or should I just let the lawyers handle that?

Part of Plan B is separating yourself from the drama of your WH. I would let the lawyers handle the communications regarding divorce. Your IM should only be passing on information about emergencies or if your WH has suddenly become willing to stop his affair and recover the marriage.

Another side question - have you asked your attorney if he/she can put in writing in any divorce decree paperwork that your WH can only have supervised visitation? How are you going to protect your babies from him as he becomes more and more unstable? Do you have a plan for this?

Basically you only use the IM to communicate stuff the lawyers cannot. Also it should only be things you specifically need him to know, like Tuesday's childcare is off or your cheque bounced or something. So let the lawyers do it.

Ideally you will get in to a visitation/financial routine that is so systematic that the IM wil be very rarely needed. Even IM stuff is still 'light'.

I have talked with my lawyer about requesting full physical and legal custody of our kids. I am asking for supervised visits only.

I'm in the middle of reading SAA so I hope I'll get some answers soon. WH told IM he's ended the affair and is ready to come back and commit to our marriage and that he is going to give it his all to make it work. I want him to start taking medications before we really get started on any reconciliation. I need to read more about what he should do to show me he means it before I start talking to him. How does it even start? Do I reach out to him ? Do I unblock him?

This is good. You are on top of things!



Has your IM told you that your WH has agreed to all of the EP's as specified in your Plan B letter? Is he apologetic and remorseful? Has he stopped contact with the OW? And yes, he needs to start taking medication.

The vets will be along to help soon. They can usually detect immediately if your WH is ready and willing to move to Recovery. Hang in there for now.

She said he seems remorseful and apologetic. He said he has cut off communication by deleting skype (this was their main form of contact). He said he's going to start taking medications on 1/1/14. He said I can be 100% involved in his health care. He said he's writing a no contact letter. He said he's willing to get STD testing done. He said he's willing to give me access to his phone/email/voicemail, etc. He said he's not willing to change his phone number because he thinks it's unnecessary. He said he should just be able to block her and have the willpower to not call her or return her phone calls if she calls. He says he's not going to disclose all of the details of the relationship because he doesn't want to live through the pain or cause me more pain.

Do I need to have him agree to all the terms before I communicate with him at all? If he starts doing some of these things but says he needs time to decide if he can disclose all the details of the relationship, is that enough to end Plan B? Or do I continue Plan B until he's agreed to all the terms? I understand he doesn't necessarily have to have all the items completed before plan B ends, but he should agree to them, right?