One of our favorites is to go out in the evening for tea. It hardly costs anything, and the time in the car and the coffee shop is a great opportunity for quiet conversation.

I love that idea but my husband doesn't drink tea or coffee. The other thing that we have done the last 2 weeks together, that I forgot to mention, is our weekly grocery shopping. I would like to get out some games (Racko, Yatze)to play in the evening but H is not too excited about this.

I know couples who don't drink coffee or tea either, and so they order hot chocolate or some other drink they have to offer.

A few more ideas if you need some:

We do a daily dance party at our house (sometimes with the kids, sometimes not - so for UA time, obviously no kids). And you can make the dance party last as long as you want. I recommend slow and fast songs. Notice your mood before and after

This one you can do ahead of time - there is a website called futureme.org where you can send emails to whoever and it will be delivered on a date in the future. So maybe write each other a letter 3 months down the road of where you are at now, and where you hope to be by then. And when you both get those emails in 3 months, it would make for a great convo topic on a date night.

An exercise called "blessons" - where you write down a few of the lessons that has been the most impactful in your life and the blessings that came from them. You won't believe the quality conversation that will come from that.

Start building a memory jar and attach money to it. So for each memory you create from now on, write them down, and attach a bill to it. So maybe you guys just went on a date and it was amazing - jot those details down together and attach maybe $5 to it. Later next year you guys might take a trip somewhere. And same thing - write it down and attach a bigger bill (maybe because it meant more or whatever, it's up to you). Pretty soon you'll see how amazing your marriage has become with all the memories you build together. We had one guy who thought back to all of his great memories and attached money to each of them and he saved up enough for half of his dream vacation in one week.

A gratitude jar - I'm sure people have seen this one already. Get together, write down what you are grateful for each day, put it in a jar/box. End of the year (I like to do it Dec.31), you review and come up with your top 10 of the year.

Donation - clean house! And not a chore kind of clean. Purging is so fun and so awesome to do together. Go through stuff one night, gather all the stuff, and donate them to a charity. And trust me when I tell you this is something you can do once a month.

Volunteer - this one is definitely free. Find somewhere you guys will want to volunteer together.

Have fun

I love the hot chocolate idea. We live 20 minutes from the nearest town.
In an earlier post I mentioned our UA time for that evening was fixing a nice supper together. H was to tired to participate.
I am going to ask him about this idea but I'm not too hopeful.
I feel like I shoot down all of your helpful ideas. I am sorry for that.

rainheaven: thanks for your reply! Now to shoot down your efforts too (like I did to brain hurts).

My H doesn't dance.

He doesn't do emails (I answer his for him, I am the secretary for his construction company).

"blessons" -OK will try this one.

memory jar - we just went thru bankruptcy and now facing foreclosure on our farm/home. Seriously have no money.

gratitude jar - I am the most negative person right now (I feel I have nothing to be thankful for and no gratitude whatsoever).

purging/cleaning house I have not stopped doing since our house fire Nov 11, 2012. Nothing to donate though. Been throwing things away right and left. Believe me...I know about purging.

We both have a volunteer thing we like to do but unfortunately it is 2 different things. H is an EMT and the director of the crew. You will find in previous posts my dislike of this because of the time it takes away from UA.
I volunteer for Bountiful Baskets and he is unhappy with that. An earlier post I shared that POJA experience.

Just suggestions, that's all
Does he write? You guys can just write each other a letter instead. That's fun too.

And with the memory jar, even if you attach a quarter - it makes a difference. It doesn't have to be much.

I get the gratitude state - maybe when you're feeling better.

There is no volunteer project you guys can do together? POJA means coming up with a solution together, no?

Is there a Costco close by where you are? Go to Costco and eat free samples!

I don't know if this sounds familiar to you, but before I learned this, some of our convos go like this:

Me: What do you want to do tonight?
H: I don't know, what do you want to do?
Me: I don't know. Do you have any ideas?
H: Not really. Anything you feel like?
Me: Hmm....not really. You?

Seriously, it could go on FOREVER.

This one thing helped both of us, because it doesn't put the pressure on just one person to come up with ideas and and make a decision on their own. Definitely POJA worthy:

Me: Hey, do you want to go for a walk, go get a hot chocolate, or go get some free samples tonight?

It must be 3 choices. And they have to be 3 choices YOU are ok with. And if your spouse doesn't like any of your 3 choices, then it's HIS turn to come up with the 3 choices he's happy with. And either you choose one of his 3, or it's your turn to come up with another 3 choices (again).

Start jotting down these choices on pieces of paper and throw it in a jar. One day, you can just pick out whatever from the jar and do that for your UA time.

19, the most impactful thing you can do is use this worksheet here and start scheduling your time OUT OF THE HOUSE on dates. The best UA time is time spent out of the house because when your lovebank is so low it is very, very easy to get distracted by things around the house. You can hardly bear to be around each other so getting distracted is very easy. BUT, if you are out together, you are much more likely to stay focused on each other.

Things to do out of the home are shopping, going for drives, going out to eat. You can go out to eat more often if you will split an entr�e. Find restaurants that are 45-1 hour away so you can spend time talking on the way there. Go to the mall and walk around and have a cheap dinner in the food court.

You do know that watching a movie together is NOT UA time, right? Your attention is not on the other person when you are watching TV. Dr Harley suggests sitting down once a week and filling out the worksheet. Time that is not scheduled usually gets put off for other things.

My DH and I rarely spend our UA time at home because it is just not effective. I know very few people who can make it effective and they are ALL in love. You are not.

19,

My H and I started geocaching this year. It is like treasure hunting using GPS. It has taken us to many fantastic places that we had never been before. Sometimes we go on pretty long hikes. Other times we discover a few caches that are close to towns or where we can park. Often, we will have lunch while we are out or pack a picnic. We have a handheld GPS, but our son uses his smart phone with a free app. Check out the geocaching.com website.

AM

LOVE this idea! I've forgotten about geocaching. Must put this on the list. SO FUN!

[quote=MelodyLane

19, the most impactful thing you can do is use this worksheet here

Things to do out of the home are shopping, going for drives, going out to eat. You can go out to eat more often if you will split an entr�e. Find restaurants that are 45-1 hour away so you can spend time talking on the way there. Go to the mall and walk around and have a cheap dinner in the food court.

You do know that watching a movie together is NOT UA time, right?
[/quote]

We have been using the worksheet.

I agree time spent at home is not time well spent. Everything is an hour away from home so it is never a problem to travel an hour to get anywhere. the issue is taking the time at the end of a long work day. We are both so tired/depressed/cold that we don't have the initiative to do anything.

Definitely understand about movies not being good for UA time. We are just having a problem coming up with something/anything to do together! I feel bad that everyone is trying to help and I am just so negative about it all.

Absolutely!!

We actually did this last week at Sam's Club.

I have heard of this and it sounds like great fun. We used to enjoy hiking. I love nature photography but it can kinda be IB. I definitely would like to try this when the weather warms up.

How about reading a book together outloud.

Get some fancy snacks and a nice book and spend an hour or so together reading outloud.

We do poems, but I'm sure you can find something to your taste.

I read out loud often. Fancy snacks is a great idea. Add a cup of hot chocolate!

I am so heart sick tonight. Talking to H again about UA and the worksheet to fill out. H told me if I get a full time job he will fill out the worksheet with me at give 15 hours for UA time. I have been awake and crying for hours. Spent some time on the internet looking for jobs. I worked for a tax preparer for 3 months earlier this year and have a job promised to me for 2014 also but it doesn't start for a month and it is a short lived job.

UA time should be a priority for both partners. It clearly is not for him. To throw in an extraneous condition like that is remarkably disrespectful.

I doubt very seriously that your not working full time has anything to do with his unwillingness to participate. Your finding a job won't really help, because the core issue is more his withdrawal than your lack of a job. What he seems to be offering is reluctant participation. You need to both be enthusiastic about your job seeking AND your UA time for this to work out well.