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#2770338 12/11/13 10:28 AM
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IM SO SICK, MY HUSBAND IS STILL HAVING AN AFAIR WITH A WOMEN THAT IS TOLD ME HE WAS IN lOVE WITH ON OUR FIRST DATE. tHEY HAVE A 21 YEAR RELATIONSHIP. WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED 17 YEARS, i ALWAYS KNEW HE WAS STILL TALKING BUT FOUND OUT FOR SURE IN MAR, 2006. AT THAT TIME I TRACED BACK 8 MONTHS OF CALLS, JUST FROM HIS CELL PHONE ALONE IT WAS 39-46 CALLS A MONTH TALKING AS MUCH AS 80 MINS A CALL, CALLING ON NEW YEARS EVE AT 11:00 PM FROM A BATHROOM WHEN WE WHERE OUT, CALLING HOTELS, CALLING ME AND SAYING HE WAS GOING TO BE LATE. HE NEVER WOULD CALL WHEN HE WAS OUT OF TOWN, LOOSE HIS PHONE, ALWAYS SOMETHING FROM DAY ONE, HE ALSO WOULD CALL HER WHEN HE WAS OUT OF TOWN. I HAVE PROOF HE SLEPT WITH HER IN A HOTEL IN 2006 THAT IVE JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT, HE IS VERY SELFISH, AND I HAVE LIVED FEELING BAD OUR HOLD MARRIAGE, IN FRONT OF ALL HIS FRIENDS YOU WOULD THINK HE LOVED ME MORE THAN LIFE.THIS TIME WHEN I FOUND OUT HE IS STILL DENIING IT, AND SAYING IM CRAZY AND HE STILL WANT ADMITT IT, BUT DOESNT WANT A DIVORCE, I FILED IN AUG, AND HAVE BEEN WAITING ON ATTORNEY TO GET THINGS MOVING, I HAVE SEVERAL MESSAGES SHE LEFT HIM TALKING ABOUT THEM MEETING, HE STILL CLAIMS HE DOESNT TALK TO R SEE HER,I WOULD MOST TRY WITH HIM, BUT HE DOESNT GIVE ME ANY PEACE OF MIND, HE NOW SAID HE TALKS TO HER ABOUT BUSINESS THINGS BUT HE WILL NEVER TALK TO HER AGAIN, THIS IS THE SAME THING HE ALWAYS TELLS ME ABOUT HER, I DONT TRUST ARE BELIEVE HIM, SHE WAS SENDING HIM LOVE SONGS, AND MISS YOU MESSAGES AND HE STILL CLAIMED HE DIDNT KNOW ANY THING ABOUT IT ARE WHO IT WAS, I OVERHEARD HIM TALKING TO HER, AFTER I BEGGED AND CRIED TO PLEASE JUST GIVE US 90 DAYS, ALL I GOT WAS HIM CUSSING ME TELLING ME I WAS CRAZY AND HE WASNT GOING TO LIVE LIKE THAT, HE WAS ON THE PHONE MAKING FUN OF ME TO HER TELING HER EVEYTHING ABOUT ME,LAUGHING ABOUT MY HEART AND TELLING HER HE WANTED TO TAKE HER ON TRIPS AND HE COULD NOT WAIT FOR ME TO GO OUT OF TOWN SO HE DIDNT HAVE TO TALK TO ME, SHE KNEW EVERYTHING ABOUT ME AND ASKED SO MANY QUESTIONS, HE LIED ABOUT ME ALSO, IM 56 AND HE STILL CLAIMS HE LOVES ME AND DONT WANT A DIVORCE BUT WILL NOT ADMIT IT TO ME WHAT HE DID, HE DEFENDS HER ALWAYS AND TELLS ME WHAT A GREAT PERSON SHE IS, SHE IS MARRIED AND SLEPT WITH MY HUSBAND FROM DAY ONE OF HER MARRIAGE TELLING HIM SHE WAS GOING TO LEAVE HER HUSBAND FOR HIM, THIS IS SOME 21 YEARS LATER.I NEED HELP FOR SOME REASON I STILL WISH IT WAS HOPE FOR US,HOW COULD I EVER BELIEVE ARE FEEL LOVED BY HIM. I DONT FEEL HE WILL EVER STOP AND I DONT THINK SHE WOULD EVER LET HIM EVEN IF HE WANTED TO, HEARING HIM TALK TO HER HE SOUNDED SO HAPPY AND HE HAS NEVER SOUNDED LIKE THAT WITH ME, WHY STAY WITH ME WE HAVE NO CHILDREN TOGATHER, I JUST WANT TO UNDERSTAND THIS, HE ACTS LIKE HE LOVES ME, BUT HIS ACTIONS NEVER DO, IF I MISS MY FLIGHT, I HAVE TO SPEND THE NIGHT AT THE AIRPORT BECAUSE HE WILL NOT DRIVE 80 MILES TO PICK ME UP AT ANOTHER AIRPORT, HE NEVER ATTENDS ANY THING WITH ME ABOUT MY GRANDKIDS IM ALWAYS ALONG. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME TO MOVE ON.

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Dr Harley would encourage you to expose his adultery to your family, friends and the other womans family and friends:

Here is an article written by Dr Harley on this issue:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_exposed.html

Last edited by Jedi_Knight; 12/11/13 10:52 AM.
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i DID TELL HER HUSBAND, HE SAID SOMETHING TO MINE AND HE IS STILL WITH HER.iM SO HURT NOT THE AFAIR AS MUCH BUT THE LACK OF RESPECT THAT HE HAS FOR ME, SHE KNEW SO MANY THINGS ABOUT ME. iVE BEEN MARRIED 17 YEARS, SO WHY WOULD SHE ASK SO MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT ME, SHE SENT HIM THE SONG TIN MAN BY KENNY CHESNEY, MOVIN ON BY RASCEL FLATTS THESE ARE ALL HEART BREAKERS SONGS. THIS TIME HE WAS CALLING FROM HIS CAR PHONE ON STAR TALKING AN AVEAGE OF 30-40 MINS A DAY NOT COUNTING HER AND HIS CALLS TO HIS OFFICE, ITS REALLY HARD TRYING TO REACH HIM, HE IS ATTORNEY AND NEVER ADMITS HE IS WRONG. BEFORE THIS I HAD PURCHASED EVERY BOOK YOU COULD ON BUILDING A GREAT MARRIAGE, SO WHEN I FOUND THIS SITE BY KNEW ALREADY ABOUT THE BOOK HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS. I CANT STAY WITH A MAN THAT ADDRESSES ME AS WHATS HER NAME, TELLS HER HE WANTS TO TAKE HER TO OUR BEACH CONDO AND AND TELLS HER HE CANT WAIT FOR ME TO GO OUT OF TOWN SO I CANT CALL HIM, ON ONE MESSAGE SHE WAS UPSET BECAUSE THEY WHERE SUPPOSE TO MEET AND HE DIDNT CALL HER, ITS THE WEEK I FOUND OUT THIS TIME, AND AT THE END OF HER MESSAGE SHE SAID CALL ME, LIKE 6 TIMES SHE SOUNDED SO DESPRATE TO TALK TO HIM, BUT SHE MAKES FUN OF ME CALLING HIM.WE EAT TOGATHER EVERY DAY FOR LUNCH, GO OUT AND MEET FRIENDS EVERY WED, FRIDAY NIGHT, AFTER GOLF ON SATURDAYS AND SUNDAY EAT TOGATHER, MOVIES THURSDAY AND SUNDAY. SO I WAS SO SHOCKED TO HEAR HIM PUT ME DOWN EVEN TELLING HER WITH THE DOCTOR SAID ABOUT A FRACTURE I HAD, HE WILL NOT TAlk to a marriage counselor, and still said its not what i think, im having a having a mental break down, he will not open up r talk about it, he always throws it back to something ive done, ive never turn him down sexual so i dont understand, i call everyday and ask what does he want me cook for him that night.

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The book His Needs Her Needs is not appropriate for your situation.
In the cases of an affair, Dr Harley authored Surviving an Affair.

In your situation, his guidance is very clear.
He would encourage you to expose to ALL family and friends, and see an attorney.

You should enter into "Plan B." Which basically means you dont talk, see or have any communication whatsoever with your husband until he is willing to permanently separate from his lover.

Dr Harley also encourages betrayed spouses such as yourself to visit a family doctor and explain what is happening so you can receive antidepressent medication.

Here is an article about Plan B:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

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thank you, that might be the answer. Im still at home, cooking, cleaning going out with him. My attorney is dragging his feet.

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Originally Posted by JustUss
Sample Plan B letter, from SAA (revised edition) pages 77-78:

My Dearest __________,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly pursued my goals without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. [Add your willingness to address other complaints that the unfaithful spouse may have communicated prior to the affair.]

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends, ________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children on schedule that is mutually convenient. They will provide transportation. If you want to communicate about the children or any other mater, it will have to be through them.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you th is way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.

With all my love,
(signed)

This letter should be delivered by your friends to the unfaithful spouse, and a copy sent to the lover with a note at the bottom saying:

I love ______ with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for that chance.
suggest you read about Plan B in the link above, and write a plan B letter.
The letter should be addressed to your husband and essentially contain the following:



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Originally Posted by MarriedForever
HOW TO PLAN B CORRECTLY
This is for those who need to go into Plan B and need quick, concise instructions. There is a lot of confusion on how to go into Plan B and what a correct Plan B actually looks like.

TIMING
~Do not go into Plan B quickly. It takes time to prep for Plan B. I went into Plan B in about 48 hours from the time I discovered we had been in a false recovery, and that�s really the quickest you can expect to be able to do this and do a good job of getting all of your ducks in a row. Except for eating and sleeping, I worked on getting ready for Plan B for those whole 48 hours, too. Prepping for Plan B is CRUCIAL and it takes a lot of TIME. Do not skimp on your planning otherwise it will backfire on you. Once you give that PBL to your WS, you want to be able to stay completely dark.

DETAILS ON HOUSING
~DO NOT worry about where the WS is going to live or how he/she is going to pay for it. This is not the BS�s problem. A WS should never be shielded from the consequences of their affair, and this is indeed a consequence. Only worry about yourself and your children at this point. If the WS was able to carry on in an affair all by him/herself, he/she can certainly figure this out. You have enough to worry about.

INTERMEDIARY (IM)
~Find an IM. There is no substitute for this. Do not underestimate the importance of an IM. Do not think �only� text messages or �only� emails are acceptable. They aren�t. YOU MUST FIND AN IM. It can be a family member, a friend or (best bet) someone from MB. A CLOSE family member (parent or in-law) isn�t recommended ~ they are usually not able to stay neutral enough and if you get into recovery this could be difficult.

IM�s ROLE
~An IM�s sole purpose is to be a SPAM FILTER (Steve Harley�s words), allowing only communication that fits the boundaries set forth in Plan B (i.e., regarding children and finances ONLY). It�s usually recommended that most of the communicating be done via email, that way everything is in writing. Phone calls and text messages are permissible but most find emailing easiest. My IM re-wrote emails between us in her own words in order to avoid any emotional tones/responses.

They do not share any other info the WS sends, regardless of how benign the content. ONLY pertinent info is to be sent through to the BS. The IM is also not to share any info about the BS with the WS. Pertinent info about children and finances only should be passed back and forth.

The IM is to remain neutral...just a messenger sending info on, no reactions.

If the WS sends something inappropriate, the IM is to thank the WS for the communication, but let the WS know it will not be shared with the BS and refer the WS back to the PBL.

If the WS tries to contact the BS in any way, the IM is to tell the WS that the BS has not opened/listened to whatever it is, and the IM is to refer the WS back to the IM for all communication.

CHANGING THE LOCKS ON YOUR HOUSE
~This is very important so that the WS cannot come back into the marital home whenever he/she pleases. I called a locksmith out at about 10:00 pm on a Saturday night, he was very helpful. I didn�t have cash and didn�t want my WH to see on our credit card that I had called a locksmith, so he even followed me to a nearby grocery store to pull money out. He was very accommodating and seemed to understand that I was in trouble.

A second option instead of changing the locks is to simply put a deadbolt on any door to which the WS has a key. Also, if there is a garage door opener with a keypad, the keypad code needs to be changed. If you don�t have a keypad (only openers) and the WS has one, make sure to deadbolt/change the lock on the door between the garage and house. It is legal to change the locks on your own home, so do not be concerned about this.

PLAN B LETTER
~Write a �love letter� to your WS. Mention some particularly good memories the two of you have (vacations, special holiday traditions, silly moments).

Mention how hurt you are over the affair but that you are still willing to try to recover because of the love you have shared in the past. In one brief sentence state that you are not willing to do this until the A is over for good and that when it is, the WS is free to let the IM know and the IM can pass this info on to you.

Tell your WS that the pain is too great to be in contact with them while the A is continuing and because of that, you need to protect yourself.

Close the letter with �I love you and will be praying for you� or something similar.

Curtail the letter to your situation. This is a �love letter� so do not add any specifics on how PB will be carried out ~ those will go in an addendum to your PBL. It�s best if this letter is in your own handwriting rather than typed.

ADDENDUM
~In the addendum will be the logistics of how full NC between the BS and WS will be carried out. Here you will list the drop off and pick up points of children, who will be your IM, how the financial obligations will work. This is NOT part of your PBL, but it WILL be given to the WS when the PBL is delivered.

In the addendum you will also let the WS know that you have packed up all of THEIR personal belongings (no household items) and that the WS's boxes will be left __________ (on the front porch or driveway, second option would be a friend or family member's home) until ________ (usually 2-3 days from the time the letter is given). I packed up all of my H's belongings in about 30 minutes. This shouldn't take long.

IF THE WS ATTEMPTS CONTACT
IGNORE HIM/HER if it comes in the form of a phone call, email, text message, etc. Let the IM know and ask the IM to reiterate to the WS again that all contact MUST go through the IM.

If it�s in person, walk away. My H caught me in our garage one day, he was early picking the kids up and I was not yet locked in the safety of the house. He commented that he liked my new haircut. I smiled and quickly walked in the house. I did NOT talk to him or thank him for the compliment.

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Originally Posted by salbla
thank you, that might be the answer. Im still at home, cooking, cleaning going out with him. My attorney is dragging his feet.
Can you get a new lawyer?

Who did you expose his affair to? Other than the OW's BH, who on her side have you exposed to?

Please read.
How to Plan B Correctly


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Im only told her husband, but I wanted to cal her Dad who was a preacher, she use to play the piano in his church and my husband claims that is why she didny marry him, because he had already been married and divorce 2 times. He was married 2 times befor me, 8 mos amd 16 mos marriage. When I first met him all his friends would joke about her having his number and he would go running when she called, the only time I have seem her was before we statred dating after she left church w her husband, sjhe would come over and spend the afternoon w my husband going to moives and I would meet them coming out of movies. 3 Years later my boyfriend died and my husband and I statred talking and next thing I know we are dating and married. It was times early on that she would call him and he would say it was about a case of his, and fuss if i asked to many questions about her. My marriage to him was never great from the start because of his selfish ways, but i stayed busy doing things, Im a flight attendant w on Airline, and when I would go on flights I would have this sick feeling because he would not answer r call me and I would end up staying awake all night worried about it, so I started dropping all my flights and doing real estate, he plays golf, softball every friday, saturday and sunday. but at the time I had a that kid that had issues with drugs that I was trying to get off, and he is now. So the selfish part I would just make an excuse that he was a jock, but I knew deep down that he didnt care as much as he should, he never attended anything with me, when my grandmother passed away he didnt go with me, r when my 4 grandkids where born r anything plays, partys are even dinner with my kid if it was there birthday. He gambles alot, drinks a lot on weds, fridays, and on saturdays , that bothered me also but I would still say he was a jock , my first ex husband and i was married at a very young age for 16 years and we where so shelter from life that i thought he was a jock . I would cry and be so upset about him being gone on guys ski trips and not calling me, if i said anythging to him i was alwasy a [censored] trying to mess up his trip. when i found out for sure in mar 06, about them he claimed her mother was sick and she needed someone to talk to to, i told him she needed to talk to her husband that i had a kid on drugs, w a grandson that was born with very low vision and that i needed someone also. he would very verbally, mean and mad r say i talked to my ex so lives about 250 miles away r a real estate builder that i was working him. When i nhad the fractures in mar this year before i found out about them again, he left me home and wenting out drinking w the guys on 2 nights,i fell on a monday night, he was out drinking wenesday , and friday night and i could harsly get out of bed by my self, we when to the er on a tuesday he never went and got my meds, i had to crawl out of bed on thursday and drive my self because he would not take the time to do it. At that time i was really begining to think what if something major happen to me where would i be, then 3 months later is when i found out about her again.when i write this and read it i sound crazy and blind,what is wrong with me. last year he finally went to my dads funreal w me and only because i had found out that she was calling him again, course he said about work, he went saying we could not stay for the lunch afterwords because he had to get bk to work, he cussed me out 30 mins befor i left because i said i had to give my day that amount of respect , he said well ur where not close to him and im was like I know but he was my dad. I dont understand how i can still even want to be in same room r be with a person that selfish, i cryed i begged, him to plase just stop this w her, and all he did was cuss me and tell me how crazy i was and that he was going to divorce me if i didnt stop. they , after i called her husband they didnt even slow down, only after i filed and he has yet to explain r tell me anything, he went from never talking r seeing her, could not remember he said if had been that long, to when he heard some of her messages that he did talk to her and meet her sometime about cases. but still want open up r tell me anything, that what i heard was not they way i thought, even thro his phone bill had the same hotel number on if as it did 6 years ago, he claimed he went to the mall and parked in there lot to buy a pair of shoes and could not get in the gate, then it went from camt get out of gate, to being there less than 30 mins, to me checking and finding out he was there 2hrs 45mins the sat after valtinesday day while i was out of town, when i was fling it was alwasy checking his office vmail, sometimes 8-9 times in a 4 hour period, she leaves message on office vmail then he was calling her from his on star, that is how he was hiding it from his cell phone, the hotel that he has talken her to is abiut 2 miles from are house connected to the large mall we have, to me that sounds so stupid, anyone could see him there, also it is a high dollar hotel I hear she is very dollar person. I t breaks my heart to think all the years i put up with him and i never had a chance because everything i did he was telling her.Its Christmas do I leave now, he thinks i will get over it, because he said he would not talk to her again , really i said how mNY TIMES R YOU GOING TO SY THAT.

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i HAVE THIS GREAT NEED TO CALL HER FATHER, HOW CAN ANYONE CLAIM TO BE A CHRISTAIN AND DO THIS TO ME AND HER HUSBAND FROM DAY ONE OF THERE MARRIAGE, AND HIS PARENTS, IM 56, SHE IS 53 HER HUSBAND IS 47, MY HUSBAND IS 62, SHE ADOPED 2 KIDS THAT ARE AROUND 15, 8 YEARS OLD AND MY HUSBAND SAID I WAS HURTING HER FAMILY AND KIDS BY TELLING HER HUSBAND. I WISH SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME 17 YEARS AGO, HER HUSBAND SHOULD BE SICK TO KNOW THAT FROM DAY ONE SHE WAS CHEATING WITH HIM.

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Salbla, we could help you better if your posts were more legible. Please don't write in all caps, impossibly hard to read. Also break up your text into some paragraphs.

We have the tools you need. Did you read what Jedi and Brainy posted for you?

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im sorry writing on small ipad, yes i did. I guess a person is so hurt you just start talking and not reading what u r feeling, sad its the holidays and dont see any happiness ahead.

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Originally Posted by salbla
i HAVE THIS GREAT NEED TO CALL HER FATHER, HOW CAN ANYONE CLAIM TO BE A CHRISTAIN AND DO THIS TO ME AND HER HUSBAND FROM DAY ONE OF THERE MARRIAGE, AND HIS PARENTS, IM 56, SHE IS 53 HER HUSBAND IS 47, MY HUSBAND IS 62, SHE ADOPED 2 KIDS THAT ARE AROUND 15, 8 YEARS OLD AND MY HUSBAND SAID I WAS HURTING HER FAMILY AND KIDS BY TELLING HER HUSBAND. I WISH SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME 17 YEARS AGO, HER HUSBAND SHOULD BE SICK TO KNOW THAT FROM DAY ONE SHE WAS CHEATING WITH HIM.

Dr Harley would encourage you to expose to her father, family and friends.
He is very clear on the subject of exposure.
Have you read the Plan B info I posted?

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Im afraid that I may hurt her children whom are not to a part of her actions,and her father, also would this not drive them closer together.

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Originally Posted by salbla
Im afraid that I may hurt her children whom are not to a part of her actions,and her father, also would this not drive them closer together.
Lying to the children hurts the children.

Please read this.
Exposure 101


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by salbla
Im afraid that I may hurt her children whom are not to a part of her actions,and her father, also would this not drive them closer together.

Well so far your individual plan isn't working too well.
Why dont you follow the plan of Dr Harley , a national expert on affairs ?

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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by salbla
Im afraid that I may hurt her children whom are not to a part of her actions,and her father, also would this not drive them closer together.

Well so far your individual plan isn't working too well.
Why dont you follow the plan of Dr Harley , a national expert on affairs ?


Dr Harley has observed that exposing an affair to the cold light of day is often enough to kill it stone dead right there and then. That is because affairs run on the adrenalin of secrecy; the thrill of the forbidden pleasure. Once the affair is exposed, the partner becomes no more than an alternative (usually inferior) spouse.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)

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