**edit**

I'm sorry, but affairs NEVER "save" marriages! There are some very specific things you will need to do, beginning with exposing the affair, establishing extraordinary precautions to prevent any future affairs, and providing just compensation, thus reestablishing a romantic relationship with your betrayed husband.

How long ago was this affair? Who was your affair partner, and do you ever have any contact with him now?

Welcome to MB.

Please read all the articles in here.
Steps to Recover from an Affair

Who is the OM? Is he married?

Did you write a No Contact Letter and have your BH approve and send it off?

Have you and your BH been tested for STD/I?

Have you been to your doctor doctor for some ADs?

Adultery does not "save" marriages; it destroys marriages and destroy lives. If you don't believe me, then go have another affair and see how helpful it is to your marriage. Some marriages do survive in spite of adultery, but adultery is nothing but destructive and traumatic to its victims.

There is a very strict path to recovery after an affair. In your case, one of the first steps would be for your husband to address and resolve his drinking. Marital recovery doesn't start until the alcoholism is addressed.

Did you have an affair with a married man? If so, does his wife know about the affair? Has your affair been exposed to other family members?

My affair did not involve a married man. He is single and lives 800+ miles away.
My husband is getting help and addressing his drinking.
I am getting help and addressing the issues that caused my fall.
We have reconnected with our faith.
We have been tested for std's. All good.
Not sure what AD's are?
Have cut all ties with "the other".
We are drafting the no contact letter.
We are going to the extreme to make certain this never happens again.
We actually burned everything to do with the incident. A symbolic event.
We both owned our blame in the situation.
I am devastated. My life is forever altered. My peace shaken
My husband is devastated. His life is forever altered. His peace is shaken.
It will take years to recover. It has only been 6 months since "it" happened.
My husband does not want to tell anyone about this right now.
I do but will wait until he is ready.
The shame is great. The pain is greater.
JESUS is bigger than all of this and I trust and believe he has FORGIVEN me.
We will survive. It will be hard but we have love and The Lord. We have a new focus. There is light at the end of our dark tunnel.
I will remain positive.

AD=anti-depressants

Have all conditions that allowed the affair been changed?
EPs (extraordinary precautions) been put in place?

Have all your contact information been changed?

Did you read this?

Also, please read these.
Extraordinary Precautions-Revised SAA
What is Just Compensation?

No AD's. I don't do meds generally.
As far as contact info goes. It is still the same.
Hiding is not the answer for us.
If "the other" contacts me I will ignore. To me that is true recovery.
If my alcoholic husband can sit with his buds at the game and fight and beat the urge to drink that is recovery. Not hiding from alcohol.
What good is the hassle of changing my info when "the other" has not changed his. I still know his info and can use it but I chose not to. I chose my marriage, I have done a 180 turn. It is hard dealing with the pain I caused but my husband is worth every tear. I just wish i realized it sooner.
Not looking back. Moving ahead. My past is over.
PRAISE GOD.

Is your BH in AA?

Are you in AlAnon?

True recovery isn't whether he can be around alcohol and not drink or you not to implement EPs to "ignore" your OM. That's called playing with fire and you're sure to get burned, but you already know that don't you?

Have you read any of the article or threads I've posted to you?

Dr. Harley is a clinical psychologist with 40+ years of helping teach couple how to survive infidelity. He also owned a chain of drug and alcohol rehab clinics. He has years of experience with this.

Have you read any of it?

You do not understand the power of addiction.

The Lord's Prayer states "Lead us not into temptation". It does not say "give us the conviction to resist temptation". The Lord understands us. He knows that we can not resist sin. That is why He sent His Son to redeem us.

Dr. Harley has a calling from the Lord to save marriages. This resource has been placed in your path for you to heed it. If you believe in your own self-righteousness, then continue as you are. Otherwise, we are here to help.

But you are hiding the affair. You have kept it a secret. And that is not the answer.


That is not "recovery" at all. That is leaving the door wide open for the affair to resume if the other affair partner can still contact you. That is an affair resumption waiting to happen.


That is not recovery. A recovering alcololic does not "fight" a battle he has already lost. He accepts he has lost the battle and stays off the field.

Has your husband stopped drinking yet? You said in your first post he was a "functioning alcoholic."


The "good" is that he can't contact you. That is the point.

RH, it is a very strict path to recovery after an affair and you have not found it. We can help you with recovery if you are interested. But you will never recover until your husband addresses and resolves his drinking problem.

It doesn't sound like you understand the nature of addiction, though.

I read most of ot with my husband and we are working through the steps together. Trust the expert advice and help on this site is a great help to us.

Has your husband joined AA and stopped drinking? Has he made a commitment to get the booze out of his house and stay away from bars and his drinking buddies?

In order to recover your marriage, one of the first steps is for your husband to stop drinking and get help for his alcohol addiction. This program does not work in the face of an active substance addiction:

here

I understand your point. My husband has stopped drinking. Staying sober is a day by day battle and every sober day is a victory. The same goes for me with staying faithful I have to chose everyday to stay faithful. I really do love my husband he really does love me. We will work through the steps in our own way and our marriage will survive.

But in your initial post made last evening at 9:30pm you described him as:


When did this change?

I have no desire for the other person. I look at him like a loaded gun, very dangerous. I only say it is foolish to change all my info because he is not changing his info and I still know his number, address, place of employment, he is still on Facebook. If I change my info but don't change my heart and mind I can still restart the affair. I could just start another affair with someone else. I have decided to be faithful for the first time in my life. When I married I was just crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. I had never dealt with my past I just pushed it down and hoped my love for my spouse would carry me. My failure has taught me that I need help. I am an abuse survivor my self worth caused me to feel I could not say no to "the other". I regressed to a place in my past when I was used for sex. My affair was a foolish mistake causing me to realize I am still controlled by my past. Sexual abuse can be like drugs and alcohol when you are feeling a certain way it can comfort you by being something familiar. I was reading that this is why some victims stay with their abusers, the situation is familiar. The whole "devil we know theory". I am getting help now with my issues. I can't afford to lose my family. This site and others like it are helping. I am being open and honest with my husband about my past now. He can now see me for who I really am. My husband found your site and he brought me here we appreciate the information. Maybe I am delusional but I want our marriage to be a success story. I don't see too many on here. We don't want to fail we don't want to be victims we want to be victors. We are truly broken and we will be restored.

Marriage Builders is based on a scientific approach to the problems of marriage. So, in this day to day battle, what is your probability of succeeding each day? Would you feel comfortable with a 99.9% chance of success? Given what is known about addictions, I think that is a pretty generous estimate.

So, we have a math problem: Given only a 0.1% chance of failure per day, what is the expectation of how long it will take until one is equally likely to fail as to succeed? I did the math problem for you. The answer is just shy of 1 year and 11 months. So, you are unlikely to make it to two years.

This is why Extraordinary Precautions are so important. Just relying on your own willpower is a scientifically proven path to failure.

RH, with all due respect you have a very poor understanding of addictions and as such, have not taken the basic necessary steps to prevent a resumption of your affair or a repeat affair. You made a vow with your "heart and mind" when you got married and that did not stop you from having an affair. Will power and grand, empty statements of "I will never do it again" don't prevent affairs. Alcoholics make many such "grand" statements but it doesn't stop them from drinking. What stops them is staying out of the bar and taking extraordinary precautions to avoid another drink.

For the sake of your husband, I hope you wake up and start listening to others who have actually been through recovery.