My story started out on our family vacation. My wife had been texting and emailing more so than any time before, having her phone with her at all times. Takes the phone into the bathroom, takes the phone to get the mail, virtually everywhere. I had a suspicion something was going on but what a minute I knew my wive we hadn't had any heavy duty difficulties. Her facebook post on our anniversary mentioned how we had never been more in love after 12 years, complete with wedding photos, smiley's and heart emocons. That was only 3 months ago and nothing since had changed as far as I could see. We always enjoyed each others company and while we rarely went out, just the two of us it was pretty typical. The texting was even more so the last couple days and the drive home. I began to notice she would hold the phone in a manner so that I could not see it. She claimed she was communicating with her friend who had recently divorced and was discussing a lot of personal stuff. During our drive the kids had fallen asleep and told her. I knew something was going on and why was she trying to hide it. I knew she was hiding something. She looked at me straight faced and said you have nothing to worry about. Made sense to me. She never lied to me before and never once gave me a reason to believe otherwise. Just a bunch of texting i thought. The day we got home she was going to meet her friend at a bar nearby to talk. Once she left i got her ipad out and started to browse the text. nothing unusual, other than my guilt for invading her privacy as I hadn't found anything. Then I checked her email accounts and my entire world shattered. My heart rate was immeasurable, I couldn't think straight, I started pacing saying, oh my god what did you do, how could you do this? I read these emails which were the quintessential love letters. I love you, I need you, I am so glad we figured this out. I spent some time reading them even though I thought my heart was going to explode. I forwarded all of them, maybe 18 or so to my email. I texted her saying I knew about it, she responded knew about what? I simply texted his name and she responds, on my way home. We went through a lot that evening. Although to this day what may have hurt me the most was she cold and unemotional about it. She said she was sorry but not the kind of sorry you would expect. While I was a blubbering mess she was calm and collected. Neither of us raised our voices that night. I was more afraid than angry. I had met this guy at other work functions and could tell he had a thing for my wife. After reviewing all the emails it was pretty clear this had just started and they hadn't had any intimate contact other than some "cuddling" in a hotel room while traveling together on business. The emails indicated pretty clearly they hadn't yet had sex. They had phone conversations and emails for the past 5 weeks and a couple group dates to another bar, not in our neighborhood with other co workers. He is the business director of their company and only one other employee knew about it, a friend of hers. There are thousands of more details but she made me promise that night that she would end it. No more communication out side of work and they would never travel together. She broke the first promise after 2 days, having a 42 minute phone call while my daughter was at gymnastics. I was skeptical but understanding. This was the love of my life. I was willing to drop my pride and dignity if I thought that would give us a chance. I found out, confronted her and said no more. 2 weeks goes by and now I have been monitoring everything I could get me hands on. text, phone history, emails, browser history, everything. Except gps tracking. Thank you iphone, you made that easy. I started just checking icloud, find my iphone app occasionally to see if she was where she said she would be. On that Saturday she was going to the grocery store. I tracked her, the store was within 2.5 mile of her office. Then it happened, she turned in the direction of work and proceeded that direction. By the time I called her she was almost there. A few hundred yards away from the office. I asked her to stop, stop what she said. I said I knew she was going to the office and he would be the only one there. Was she really going to break her promise again? She denied everything swearing she was in the parking lot of the grocery store. I told her that i was tracking her and that I knew she was lying. She still denied it. I said hang up, take a picture of where you are right now and text it to me. I watched as she turned her car around and headed back towards the grocery store. No text yet 3 minutes later. I called her again and said please stop lying. I can see exactly where you are and I know why you were going there. She admitted it and finally broke down. I knew my wife, she was a good person, still is in fact. She made a mistake. I promised I wouldn't define her or our lives together by one mistake, regardless of how big it was. Having her breakdown like that was a big step. After nearly three weeks she finally faced up to what she had done and she hated herself for it. She did still love me, she had just thought she had loved him too. I kinda understood the best I could. It was exciting and new and she essentially got to be someone else once in a while, she wasn't my wife with two kids 9 and 11 she was just a woman who this man found attractive and told her things that I still told her but seemed to familiar and although all the "I love you's" and the "you look beautiful's" were audible they were no longer heard. Changing her course that day truly changed her heart. After a month of cautious optimism and few more tears and maybe a foolish trust based on nothing more than my confidence in her to do the right thing. We are in a place in our marriage I never thought we would be again. I have lost 30 pounds and quit smoking. We have sex everyday now and I am 44 years old, but getting more buff everyday. She has a renewed interest in me and I in her. When we do go out which we make a point to once a week without the kids, I feel like I am getting ready for a date. we are on the right track. I still feel some of the pain and the picture I painted in my mind of her with him have not gone away they are fading. I am no longer obsessed with tracking her or viewing her emails although the habit is hard to break. My brain and my heart don't always see eye to eye. I haven't found any trace of evidence that she has kept her word this third time. I am more happy now than i have been in years and I can see it it her as well. A naughty text here or there from her is something new and nothing I would have every thought she would do, although she does have the body for it. She does these thing and I just know. She would never risk this again.

I haven't read the books and while I tried to get in with a counselor for myself and for both of us I have read a lot of things. Some of which was completely the opposite of what I did do. Like deleting all of the emails, every stitch of evidence. Hanging on to it was not moving forward in my opinion. I walked out on a limb for my marriage. She could have cut it off at any time. I would have felt like a fool again and had no place to turn. But I did these things because I knew my wife as well as myself and knew this was the right thing to do for us. I think emotional infidelity is just as damaging for me. In fact I wished it had been some meaningless one night stand. It would be easier for me to accept than having her give her heart to another man even it were just a few weeks. It broke me to the core. She never asked me to make the changes I have. I did them because these were things I thought I should do for myself. I had the motivation, I was completely broken, so withdrawal or any diet anxiety would be a cake walk compared to what I was going through at the time I started. We're on track and I hope somebody out there reads this and knows that even when all may seem lost. Giving your self completely to someone sometimes pays off. It wouldn't work for every couple but in our case it was exactly what I needed to do for our marriage. If you stick your neck enough times people might get tired of slapping your head.

Good luck

Welcome.

It sounds like it has been three months since this has been buried under the rug. Are you interested in using the MB program to affair-proof your marriage?

Your marriage CANNOT recover until she no longer works with him. Your story truly does read like the typical false recovery, I implore you to not bury your head in the sand.

Good Luck to you too.

Please keep posting updates. One month is not long enough, yet it "May" be a good start.

I haven't read, in viewing thousands of posted threads, any cases where reconciliation lasted in a case described as your situation has unfolded.

But, i have seen too many to count that believed and loved their spouse so deeply, that they continued to be blinded by the secret second life being put on a temporary iatus or go deeper underground.

If and/or when you need help, the collective knowledge on this forum can assist you if you desire.

LTL

broken down for easier reading.

Does she still work with this OM?

Please read.
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Everyone is different. You know your situation. Any type of affair is devastating.
You love your wife. You know your wife. If you are truly comfortable, if your children are safe and healthy that is all that matters. Stay and fight for your marriage.
I cheated on my husband. I repented, he forgave me. Forgiveness is a choice we made. It is a choice we make everyday. We choose each other everyday. The pain I caused is enormous. We start everyday in prayer for strength to fight the attacks of the devil. We make a conscious decision to focus on our love for each other and fortifying that love. It is a day to day struggle. There is hope in CHRIST for any and every situation. Certain songs make us cry. Driving by the church where we were married is heart wrenching. Going inside is not yet possible. I refuse to have contact with "the other" although I do pray for him. When I ended things I apologized to him for causing him pain. I accept full responsibility for my actions and regret them completely. Although I had reasons there was no excuse. I never stopped loving my husband it is that love that forced me to stop the affair and tell him about it. The most painful talk of my life.
Please take things day by day recovery is possible if you both want it truly.
Be honest with yourself.
Do not stay for selfish reasons. This is not just about you. Look at the big picture.
Live in the moment. Build toward the future. Do not dwell on the past it is gone.
One day your spouse will be dead you must decide if this one mistake will be the defining point of her presence in your life. Is this one horrible event worth trashing all of the wonderful events you have shared. How will your choice today impact your grandchildren.
I will forever regret what I have done to my life and praise my husband daily for redeeming me, giving me a second chance, and showing me the love of Christ when I deserved it the least.
ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Everyone is in need of forgiveness at some point in life. Be blessed.

repentant_heart,

Since you already made it clear that you do not wish to do any of the steps in the MB program, I would recommend that you allow other posters to help this person with MB advice.

There are dozens of "post your own opinion" sites on the internet, I believe this poster would benefit from a proven recovery program, and not misdirected advice from others with no experience except their own adultery.

**edit**

moderator's note: please familiarize yourself with Marriage Builders concepts before you post. The purpose of our forum is to help posters with MB concepts, not to share personal philosophies. It you have any questions, please email me. Thank you.

repentant_heart,

Your posts about your own situation have made it quite clear that you have not followed the basic steps of Dr. Harley's Affair Recovery program.

You do not need to lecture me about being "in pain", I am not a wayward spouse nor am I a betrayed spouse, but I am well aware of Dr. Harley's program and I am here to advise the original poster to follow Dr. Harley's steps.

The only "bad advertisement" here is someone who is promoting their own personal philosophy instead of the MB program, which is the whole point of this. That is rather self-indulgent and not what this poster needs right now.

Posters: Please familiarize yourself with Marriage Builders concepts before advising people in crisis.

With all due respect, people on this forum have been Successfully following the Mb principals and Dr Harley's methods of marriage building for over 10 years, you have been in your own recovery just one month yet you believe you have all the answers and have solved your marital issues.

I personally rather follow the teachings and methods of a successful professional psychologist who has been proving his methods for over 20 years and had the numbers of saved marriages under his belt.

Come back in a decade or so and let us know how it's working out for you in the meantime I'll keep up following statistically proven methods to improve and enrich my marriage.

And when it comes to affairs every situation is the same, a Ws follows a script I have seen over and over again and a BS is hurt so deeply it nearly kills them no other details around the situation changes the basic facts so no I don't agree we are all different if we were the methods here wouldn't work as well as they do.

Good luck to you and your family.

I think the moral that gets missed in these type of things is that every scenario is different, the people involved are different. While i have read much of what has been discussed in this forum. I found that personal insight has as much to do with healing as any regurgitated check list. While I agree much of what is being heralded as the necessary steps in recovery cannot simply be plugged into every possible scenario.

I read many post on here prior to my first post and I may have done it to just write down somewhere. Someone mentioned the term false recovery. Not all recoveries are false and regardless of amount of time it is possible to recover. I still struggle with images and thoughts of them being together. The words of those emails still trickle through my mind. But I have personally heard the things I needed to hear to forgive.

Don't bash me as not conforming to the Harley method, I know very little about it. I started here as a means to better understand it. By the time I finally decided to post I felt like things were going in the direction I could have only hoped several weeks ago. I know my wife better than anyone on this planet and while I was surprised by her actions I understood them. Complacency in a marriage is more about when than if. Especially with children, the investment we make in our children's lives many times over shadow our own. Gymnastics, Karate, piano and school work to name a few. It was all too easy to become happy roommates caring for these little people we both cared so much about.

I believe my wife was left unfulfilled in a several ways. As we became more and more comfortable with each other she was losing weight and I was finding it. I became uncomfortable with her even wanting to have sex. I knew what she looked like and what I looked like and I knew ultimately it wasn't going in good direction. I tried to lose weight in the past but was never fully dedicated to it. The days following when I found out about what was happening I decide to quit smoking and wasn't going to gain weight doing it. I used the e cigarettes and found them to be sufficient. After 2 weeks I had not smoked and lost 13 pounds. I started running every morning. My renewed lung capacity was apparent and while I wasn't a picture of health I could run a mile in under 10 minutes. I have since lost a total of 3o pound as of this morning, I haven't smoked in 6 weeks and I am feeling better about myself. I help out more around the house, with the kids and over all have taken a new lease on our marriage. She never blamed me, but I did blame myself. I didn't push her across that line, she did that. But I walked her right up to it. I know she hadn't had sex with him. I am grateful I found out when i did because I doubt that action wasn't far off. I knew she felt like she wasn't cheating because she hadn't had sex with him. In the week before I found out I started getting more and more interested in sex. 5 times while on vacation. Then I found out and had a few days off. Ever since it has been at least once a day with maybe one or 2 days off after heavy discussions neither of us were in the mood. It may sound strange but sex alone may have had a huge impact on both of us. It gave us a release and all the stress goes away even if for just a few minutes.

I used this traumatic experience to better myself. Knowing I wasn't going to hurt any more than I already had, exercise and eating properly while quiting smoking would be easy in comparison. I was right. That was something I am sure many people would have disagreed with saying things like don't make huge changes now, let the events settle in and stuff like that.

I am posting my story because while statistically the steps here may be vastly beneficial to many. I think it is important that others going through the same thing know that the people involved and the their stories are unique and may not fit the mold of every program. I know our story isn't over, but I know my marriage isn't over either. I will probably struggle with several things for weeks, month and maybe longer. But I cannot deny the resolve I saw in my wife's face when she asked for my forgiveness and finally admitted that she couldn't believe what she had started. I know she is done with him. While they remain co workers she doesn't see him daily and my faith in her strength will get me through just about anything.

Thank you repentant_heart... I appreciated your words, regardless of the feedback you received. I have not buried my head in the sand. I am choosing to forgive, pick myself up and move forward. Does that make me a fool? Maybe but time will tell and the only judge of that will be me. I wish everyone on here all the success in recovery. I am not thumbing my nose at anyone or what you think is best for you. I was just sharing what I thought was best for me.

In a nutshell: you posted on the Marriage Builders site to tell us you didn't and don't need Marriage Builders?

irresolute, the reason you think we are giving you a "regurgitated check list" is because you are not experienced in recovery. And that is fine. You can learn alot around here if you keep an open mind. Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, has 40 years experience saving marriages that have experienced infidelity. Please take the time to learn those steps.

Most marriages do not recover from affairs, but you don't have to be one of those statistics if you follow this program. Good luck and best wishes.

She's addicted to the affair and just like any recovering alcoholic she should not be working at the bar where her addiction is.

I think she truly wants to recover with you but you are going to have another discovery day while she works with him. It already nearly happened when you were tracking her. Do you think she will stop now?

I feel sorry for your poor wife because he is a predator and has his claws in her and she is not being protected by you. The next time the A resumes she may be too far gone to come back.

Like when she denied it to your face? Addicts don't have any strength. They need you to take the wheel.

well open mind or not. Everything I have done to this point was basically contrary to what most sites such as this say to do. I know I am a little different than most people. I like to think for myself. I sense some hostility here. Maybe that's where many of these issue originate. Exposure may be a great place to start for some people, but humiliating the person I love the most isn't how I perceive a good starting over. Hell I didn't tell some of my friends as to not alienate her any more than she already feels wiith the couple I have spoken to. I guess I'll be doing this on my own. I just can't see why in all cases airing the dirty laundry for all to see is a good place to start. Sorry to have bothered anyone here, good luck

As long as you keep seeing it as "airing dirty laundry" and "humiliating" your WW you are never going to get it.

Do you seriously think that a professional successful psychologist would advice people to expose if it was a hipumilating act?? don't come here attacking the principals we have all used to save our marriages when you really don't get them at all.

I recovered my marriage with exposure, my husband does not hate me for it, my friends and family don't look down on my husband or humiliate him instead they respect the fact that we were honest with them and supported our recovery.

Again just to highlight your position right now, you are supposedly in recovery for what? just over 1 month or so??? And you think you have all the answers.

I have been recovered in a happy marriage for 3 years and I am still learning and developing how to enrich my marriage. That's the definition of not being close minded.

You say you know your wife better than anyone. I have been with my husband for 15 years now since we were 17 so know him just as well but I accept that when people cheat they change and become Waywards, they do nasty things, they lie, they manipulate and therefore they are no longer the people we knew.

As stated before come back when you have a proven track record of saving any marriage over a reasonable amount of time not just a month. You are an enabler and a conflict avoider that's why you haven't fully addressed your WW affair don't try to disguise that by claiming our methods are the issue.

I exposed my FWWs affair in March of 2011.

She thanked me for doing so, to save her from the destructive path, get that evil POSOM away from her, save our marriage.

In all honesty, the very few times we spoke about, she stated once or twice: "I only wish you had done it 3 months earlier...".

Exposure works.

WHY do you think Dr. Harley recommends exposure? It isn't a vindictive strategy. I can see by your response that you don't have a grasp on why exposure is critical first step.

I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. I too can think for myself and consider myself to be a reasonable person in most aspects of life.

Are you an expert on recovery from affairs? I don't mean to be snarky at all. Most of us didn't go to school to study adultery and recovery.

The problem is friend, that Infidelity is something that until faced with the situation, none of us know HOW to respond or recover. Unfortunately, all of the logic in the world won't break up an affair as it is fueled by feelings....Not logic. People have been willing to give up their jobs, children, lives EVERYTHING for their A partner.

It is an addiction and must be treated as one. That is why I trust what Dr. Harley teaches. He has 40 years proven experience.

Much of MB's is somewhat counterintuitive to most people. However, Dr. Harley is what most of us to be the leading expert on how to recover from an A.

ALL A's are the same. I thought too that our situation was unique. Guess what? It wasn't.

If you take a little time to digest what he has to teach, you might find it to be quite helpful.

I can say 100% with all the logic in my mind that without MB's I would be divorced after my FWW's A. I give all the credit to Dr. Harley for our R. Looking back, I too thought I had the situation under control. I was wrong. Once we got fully on board with MB, everything changed for the positive!

I hope that you don't find yourself back here in 2-4-6 mo's kicking yourself because you chose to go a different path and did not incorporate the philosophies here.

If you get SAA, it might open your eyes to the possibilities.

...and yes, false recoveries are REAL. Trust me....and more painful than the A itself.


Wise people learn from the mistakes of others.