Hi. I'm new to this forum but not new to this website. I need help figuring out what to do next. Here's my story...

I've been married for 17 yrs. 3 weeks ago my wife told me of her affair. I always thought there were two options when an affair was discovered... 1. You know and they want to stay 2. You know and they want out. I had no idea there was a third option... they tell you and they don't know if they want the other man or you. That's where my wife is. The day after she told me I knew that I was able to forgive and I wanted us to work on our marriage to make it work. The issue is that she's getting her needs met from both of us. She talks to him every day and me every day. Removing one side leaves a huge void for her and she's not sure what she wants to do. For three weeks I've listened to her, prayed for her and us and forced us into couples therapy. It's the most painful time in my life. Yet, I still want her even though she's not sure she wants me. Today, I told her that I can no longer sit by and wait till she decides what she wants while she destroys me and our family. She said she's willing to stop talking to him, but that's all she can commit too. Should I be looking at this as a good/healthy first step or should I demand more? I'm concerned that we can't truly heal and move forward without him totally out of the picture. She says that she needs time to figure out what she wants. All I know is that she doesn't want a divorce b/c of the kids. What do I do? I need help?

Sorry you are here. I recommend going on the website and Looking up Plan A and Plan B on How to Survive an Affair. I know some the vets will be by with words of encouragement.

I would avoid making any demands, or you will drive her into his arms.

My prayers are with you.

Man,

I am sorry that you are in this situation. But, you have found the best place to deal with your situation.

If you haven't done so already, read all the links in the first thread on this forum.

How does your wife know this man? Do they work together? Is he married?

AM

Need to expose the affair to family and friends. Plan A and avoid love busters. Do not move out of your home. You need to become the better option by utilizing plan A.

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Who is OM? Is he married?

Have you read this?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Thank you for your response, Christian. My demands have gotten in the way... I guess it's my inpatients trying to "win" her back to my arms. I desperately love her. The only peace I find is in the Lords word. I need to pray more and say less, I guess.

Armymama: They were mere acquaintances in high school. She barely knew him. She and a girlfriend were out to dinner one night and just ran into him. From there, they started talking... 6 months later the emotional affair turned physical. 9 months later she told me out of her own guilt. If there is good news, she still tells me that she loves me and remains in our home. It's so difficult knowing the women you love is in our home everyday deciding who she loves more. Her needs are being met through a combo of he and i. I try to be patient, listen & help her work through it, but each day that passes I grow more and more inpatient.

I forgot to mention this... the other man has been married twice before and both times his wives committed adultery on him. I reached out to him two days after finding out and met with him. I had the strength to ask him what he though he was providing my wife that I was not... he told me the exact same thing that she did. I wasn't making her feel important and he was. That was the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. I will forever have that lesson burned into my soul.

Hi manneedinghelp, welcome to Marriage Builders. Please take the time to read through the exposure thread in my signature. Your greatest hope of saving your marriage lies there.

Is he currently married?

Did you read the exposure thread?

MelodyLane: Thank you for exposing me to your exposure thread. I'm so grateful to read it! I have to tell you that it was my first reaction after hearing of the affair. I did it out of my own need for support as I was trying to deal with the pain. I told my mother, my best friend (who she knows well), her parents (who I'm very close too) and her best friend. I also confronted the other man. I guess I told everyone that we are close too. I have not told our three children nor have I turned to FB. Your thread hit it right on the money... she was furious with me that I told everyone. She continues to hang it over my head as one of the reasons that she's not sure she wants to recommit to our marriage. I knew at the time that I needed to do it, but I thought It was just for me and my pain. SO glad to hear that it's an affective method that can lead to the distraction of the affair. Any other suggestions are very welcomed...

No. He is not currently married. Yes. I just read the exposure thread...

I would expose to his two ex-wives also and his parents. Does he have any siblings?

Man, I would expand your exposure out to your children and to the OMs family and friends. Causing as much conflict as possible in the affair will help it crumble. It has been going on for so long that I would also start looking at separation.

At least one of his ex-wives knows and is actually encouraging him to follow his heart. I guess that shouldn't surprise anyone b/c that's what she did when she cheated on him. He does have children...

I am considering separation. I've outlined for her what continuing this relationship is going to mean; telling the children & divorce.

How old are your children?

Man,

Sounds like you and the other man had a civil conversation. Call me old fashioned, but my approach would have been a little more menacing and hostile. Don't try and reason with a scum bag.

Regarding your wife, you must avoid any disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts, but for the love of God, do not make her feel as though she is in some kind of fantasy love triangle. She is committing adultery and violating her vows. Be clear with her about this.

Don't worry about her anger over exposure. Now that the ugly dirty truth of her actions are in the light, the affair will face conflict, you will get the support your need (hopefully), and she and her POSOM (that stands for piece of $hi+ other man, btw)will no longer basque in the glow of a hidden fantasy. One day when she gets out of the fog she will understand why you exposed. Many Waywards later are thankful that their spouses cared enough for them to do it. In any event, all you are doing is telling the truth and not enabling the affair. And that is how one should fight for his or her marriage.

After you have exposed, begin a strong plan A.


What are Plan A and Plan B
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

The Carrot and Stick of Plan A
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2400725&page=1


Order ASAP Surving an Affair, by Dr. Willard Harley. Read it as soon as you get it.

Your game plan is in that source and in the infidelity links on this website. You will also get invaluable advice here.

Good luck, and sorry you are in this awful situation.

Yes, expand your exposure as wide as you can. Plan it out and expose to all at once so that their fantasy will be brought to the light of day where it won't be so pretty. Think about even including neighbors of both of you. You never know where the most support for your M will come from.

While your wife is still in the A, she is NOT a friend to your marriage. Yes, pray and plan A her, but keep this site and your further exposure plans a secret from her for now.

Since she has "agreed" to stop talking to him, then it is perfect timing to require that you have the password(s) for her phone, email, Facebook, etc. How she handles that request will be telling. Later you can request that she change her number, emails, etc.

How old are your children? Dr. Harley recommends exposure to children depending on age.

I would tell your children today, by yourself. In addition, I would suggest you expose to the OM's family and friends. That will cause huge conflict in the affair.

Dr Harley would also suggest that you demand she end her affair:

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."