Hi everyone! I hope you are all doing well in Recovery Land. Kiss and I are doing well and I am still feeling good about our recovery.

We recently hit a rough spot as we just learned that our home is going to auction this Tuesday. Strangely enough I am sad about it but I know that it will be good to be rid of it. Kiss still has a lot of things there, so hopefully he gets over there to get what he wants before it is sold!(This is something we are disagreeing on so read on)

The only thing that I have been having trouble with lately is coming to an agreement when we disagree on something. It seems that when we have a conflict, Kiss does not discuss it with me so that we can come to an agreeable conclusion. I have a couple of things hanging in the wind that I don't know how to resolve.

I do have "He Wins, She Wins" and have read most of it. There is a part in there about how to resolve conflict when the spouse likes the default "do nothing" but Dr. Harley doesn't seem to get into how to move into a win-win from there.

Also, how do you come to an agreeement when your spouse does not want to negotiate?

I'm going back to re-read the articles but if anyone has any advice for what works for them, I would appreciate it.

Jeez louise, I forgot to mention that Kiss tells me last night that a female co-worker (I've mentioned this vulture here before)of his came to him at work crying yesterday because she was served with divorce papers. And that he was talking to her about it. So he told me about it (yay!) but this is a broken EP to me and it seems that he is not observing boundaries. I don't care if he says "nothing would ever happen between me and her". So, I reminded him that he shouldn't be having ANY personal conversations with ANY females and that if they approach, he needs to tell them to go talk to one of the other females there.

So, yeah..

What was Kiss's reaction?

I went through something like this w/ Taffy. He was exchanging personal and RC texts w/ a woman at work. When I pointed out that it was a no-no, his excuse was that she is a "known lesbian" (and not at all attractive to him) so nothing would ever happen. Dr. Harley told Taffy (on MB radio) that he has to guard against ANY personal convos w/women. Because ANYONE can make LB$ deposits, and it is therefore possible to fall in love w/ ANYONE. Even a lesbian, or a person whom he finds unattractive.

Catwhit, I remember hearing you two on the radio program about that. Kiss' reaction was that he agreed with me about having personal conversations with other females but that wasn't easy to do as "everyone goes to" him. He agreed that he should deflect them to someone else. It's whether or not he will follow through that worries me.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to send Kiss the link to your program? Do you know what date that was?

RQ:
We were on Feb 11, 2013. I don't have a link to it, though....

Calling BrainHurts!!!

I think the main thing is for you and Kiss to have a PLAN for exactly how he will handle these things in future. He is used to being the go-to guy (and I suspect he likes it...)

Ok, I'll check your thread for it, thanks.

I will talk to Kiss more about having a plan in place. And your assessment, I suspect is correct. He likes being the bigshot at work and after what I heard about his former skank-ho, a sort of KISA as well.

Can you and Kiss maybe keep your unresolved POJA's in a spiral notebook? That way maybe ever few days, you can re-visit one of the tough topics? Even if it is just to brainstorm "with abandon" and come up with a few more options.

RQ:
I checked my thread and there isn't a link to it... I am hoping Brainy works her magic!

If he likes being the big shot and KISA (same as Taffy), he likely has a high need for Admiration. Where does that show up on his EN list?

GREAT IDEA, BlindSighted!!!

I checked it too and when I went to look in the archives, I found out that my membership expired. (boo!) Gonna have to re-up.

He wrote a 3 for admiration (moderate need), and in his notes he wrote that I "don't appreciate the weight of" his job. There is just more opportunity for him to get kudos at work than at home so I think it would be hard to top that. I do show my admiration for him more now that I did pre-A but I will look for ways to improve on that.

That is a great idea, Blindsighted. I'll write down what we have floating in the wind right now and keep on kiss to find a solution. The problem I run into is when HE doesn't want to brainstorm solutions. Then I feel that we aren't working as a team and it doesn't get resolved.

Here it is, my friends.
Radio Clip of catwit and Taffy's Show
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Thanks brainy girl!

What did you think, RQ?

I especially found the little sequence following ours, about what happens when a WS is impatient with a BS's recovery process, to be interesting. (In addition to ours, of course.) And it was insightful for us to listen to ours again, so I think I need to subscribe to the archives for myself...

I've been able to listen to the first 2 clips and I agree wholeheartedly with what DR Harley said about YOUR emotional reaction to it and why would taffy do that to you? It is a simple request to not speak to OS about personal matters after what they did.

Now how do I get kiss to follow through?

It feels horrible to know that after all of this time, he is not watching his boundaries. And even worse to know that there may be other instances that I don't know about.

I'm not sure you can. How many times has he broken this EP and made excuses to you about it?

Karma, it has been with this same person too. He says that he is not attracted to her at all and that "nothing would ever happen". Much like how Taffy felt about his convo. But that is really not the point. The point is that I don't like it and he should honor that and have a plan in place to prevent any personal conversations. I am disappointed that he did not put up a wall when she came to him. I have told him this.

What do you think I should do?

If I recall correctly this has kind of been a recurrent question in your recovery - namely the assertion of boundaries. I mean, it is good that he told you, but being RH about crossing these lines is not exactly comforting, is it?

Is avoiding this sort of conversation not part of your EPs? Surely it should be. Have you not established the consequences of EP violation?

Yes, exactly.


Yes, it is one of his EPs. I don't know what to do as far as a consequence. Obviously, I wouldn't divorce him for it, so I am not sure what a consequence would be. Has Dr Harley ever addressed that? I need some guidance on what to do.

RQ:

Will you email Dr. H? Would kiss be willing to go on the show with you?

I am always impressed at his ability to zero in specifically on what needs to be the focus for the particular situation. And how, in our case, both parties come away feeling like they've learned something and not berated or punished.

In my call, I had sent an email to the show, which Taffy did not read before hand. I told him I had done so later, though. When Joyce called prior to the show, she asked if Taffy would be willing to join me on the call. I asked him and he said he would. Then, just before we went on air, Dr. Harley said he was going to spend more time talking to Taffy than me, and was that okay with me. He and Joyce even said in the call that they prefer having both parties on the call, so they can clearly see both perspectives.

What do you think? Might this be something you and kiss would do together?