My husband and I have been married 16 years and have no children. We have been trying to use MB since Nov 2012. I feel we are now in worse shape than we were to start.

If you have been on the radio program and then send a follow-up message to Dr. Harley how long does it generally take to receive a response?

For those of you that have completed the online program with accountability coach can you tell me how much contact you have with the coach on a weekly/monthly basis? Can you provide me an overview of how it is structured? Just curious what a typical week/month would look like. I just don't think that from what is on the website that there will be enough hands on help. I want to have an idea of what it is like before I approach my husband with it.

Thank you!

What do you believe you and your H have not been doing? What is happening in your marriage that makes it in worse shape now than when you began the program?

Did you start with the Marital Problem Analysis?

Where are you and your H with eliminating love busters?

How is your UA time?


If you don't hear back from Dr. Harley in a few days, please notify a moderator. They can often follow up on an email if you give them the heads up.


My H and I went through the Online Seminar and accountability program a couple of years ago.

Each couple is assigned a coach who works directly with Dr. Harley. The coach helps with questions and problems. You spend the first couple of days watching the online seminar. Then you start working on an individualized plan based on responses to the marital problem analysis. You and your H will also take a Love Bank Inventory periodically to track the romantic love in your marriage.

We had telephone calls with our coach on a weekly basis, to start with, but this is different for each couple. We could call or email our coach whenever we needed more help.

You also both have access to the private forum where you can ask Dr. Harley questions and he will answer, usually within a couple of days.

The program uses the books HNHN and LB, Five Steps Workbook, and the audio version of the books.

Joyce Harley usually responds within a few days. If you haven't gotten a response, contact the moderators for help.

We usually had a weekly phone call with our coach, and she was available by email on a daily basis. We also had access to Dr. Harley himself on the private forum, and he usually responded within a day or two.

I am sorry but I have never posted to anything on line so I am not sure how to get the functions to work.

What do you believe you and your H have not been doing?

We have been guilty of all love busters and are unable/unwilling to meet emotional needs.

What is happening in your marriage that makes it in worse shape now than when you began the program?

Neither of us feels that they can negotiate because we both want out of the marriage it just isn't financially possible at this point.

Did you start with the Marital Problem Analysis?

Yes we did.

Where are you and your H with eliminating love busters?

We have tried but it never lasts.

How is your UA time?

We are getting none right now. We spend all of our spare time together but none of it counts as UA because it isn't enjoyable for either of us. We had one week that we actually made 15 hours but 6 hours was probably more realistic of an average over the course of a year.

I had considered the program previously but became hesitant when I heard a number of shows from the archives that sounded like the coaches had steered the couples down the wrong road. Maybe they weren't working with Dr. Harley at that point?

I just sent the message Monday morning so I will give it while longer. Thank you!

HIT, you must have misunderstood because the MB coaches have been here for YEARS, are trained and supervised by Dr Harley. He knows their every move. He DID try to train some "counselors" for the purpose of certification back in 2006 but none of them passed his course because they kept inserting their own philosophies and, as a result, made no progress with their assigned test couples. Dr Harley ended up taking over those cases himself.

The MB coaches very much DO work directly with Dr Harley. When we did the MB course in 2007, we typically communicated with our coach 1-2 x a week. You don't NEED a lot of coaching, but you need to do your lessons. Most of the work of the program comes with doing the homework, NOT with the coaching.

Well the lack of guidance is a problem. That is what we need. We need a 3rd party at this point to help foster enough positive experiences that we have a chance of having some goodwill between us.

I approached the subject with him and he said he would think about it today and we could discuss it tonight. This generally means he wants time to think of a way to get out of it.

That is the entire purpose of the program. To give you guidance and keep you on track.

Well then let me be the first to call you out. You have to do your part. Lovebusters are not allowed.

What are you doing to clean up your side of the street? Why are you unable to avoid LoveBusters?

This is a "Do not try" program.

I understand it is hard to meet other's needs when they're lovebusting you all over the place. But at a minimum you should be avoiding all LBs yourself.

Let us know what you struggle with and maybe we can help you change your behaviors.

Yes, you should start with eliminating your own lovebusters.

Like this DJ, which also kind of verges on an SD:



Why does he have to 'think of a way out of it'? He is allowed to have his own opinions and say no isn't he?

Does he not like MB? If so, it's his prerogative not to.

I love the MB programme, but no food tastes good when it is forced.

Be wary of saying he 'has to' or 'should' do something. It just brings out the spirit of opposition.

Be careful. This is disrespectful. It's not a bad thing to be cautious.

Sorry, I must be confused. In your prior post you stated, "You don't NEED a lot of coaching" but then go on to say that there is guidance. To me they are the same thing so could you expand on this because it feels like a contradiction. Thanks!

I have been free of love busters on my side about 2 wks again. I can do my part for about 3-4 wks and that is my limit. He does the I am trying thing. He will work on something a couple days then fall off and work on something else a couple days and fall off. I put up with the small things he does that show his lack of motivation. I give up when he yet again doesn't take me into consideration on big issues that have negative past associations for me.

Also the tracking system we use yesterday failed again for the 2nd time in the last 2 wks and the GPS system had gaps in his whereabouts of an hour each of those days. No explanation, no comment on his side. No AO on my part just more massive withdrawals in my already VERY negative love bank but a good accomplishment on my part since there was no AO.

My problem is that I can not be emotionally connected to him because I can not take the same mistakes over and over. The fake it until you make it strategy works poorly for me especially with SF.

I did not say this to him so I do not understand how is this a love buster?

He supposedly thinks the program is great and agrees with it but then refuses to follow it. He also thinks his parents marriage is wonderful and that they talk things out but if you were to ask anyone removed from the situation that has been around them at home and you would find a very different view. Like that his father does what he wants and his mother just does not object when she does not agree. That is not talking things out. He has also said that it upsets him that his dad treats his mom the way he does. Why would you turn around and call that wonderful? If a SD is not wanting a marriage like his parents or mine for that matter then guilty as charged.

He has the option to leave at anytime or for that matter kick me out at anytime. He makes far more than I do. You can't force or control someone from the position I am in. I have no leverage.

I did not say this to him. Instead I lied and said that I was fine with it. Cautious I could stand but months and years of unresolved issues have emptied my love bank.

You cannot control him at all. You can only control your own actions.

For that matter, though, he cannot control YOU.

And why would you want to control him?

I don't see why. Once you ignore the 'small things' you end up ignoring eveything. Most things are 'small things' so stop ignoring the problems and tackle them head on.

His lack of motivation in what? Be specific. Dr Harley says we should provide our spouse's motivation. If he wants SF, he is supposed to motivate you by making it effortless and fun for you. If you want conversation, ditto.



You arent going to progress with lies. Check out the policy of Radical Honesty. Marriage cannot work without it.



I don't understand the reason why are you faking and being dishonest. That won't get genuine results. Most certainly NEVER fake SF!! Good grief.

There's a lot of vagueness here and not much evidence that you are familiar with the programme. Have you read all the basic concepts? Applied them?

It won't work if you are not only not doing it, but doing the exact opposite - like being false.

I did not say that I wanted to control him. This line of questioning leads me to believe that was the intended target, control:

Why does he have to 'think of a way out of it'? He is allowed to have his own opinions and say no isn't he?

Does he not like MB? If so, it's his prerogative not to.

I love the MB programme, but no food tastes good when it is forced.

I agree 100% so how would you handle the following?

�I don't see why. Once you ignore the 'small things' you end up ignoring eveything. Most things are 'small things' so stop ignoring the problems and tackle them head on.�
My husband can not reliably remember to hang up a hanger when getting dressed without a checklist and a reminder on his phone to remember to go through the checklist. Even then he still forgets several times a week if he decides he will do the checklist. So if I complain about the small stuff too it is a constant thing and he doesn�t like it. My husband spoke with Dr. Harley and was told he is unrealistic to think that he will find a woman that doesn�t complain. This is not verbatim but was the basic idea. I am sick of complaining. I hate to complain it is an absolute drain. I do not expect flowers, cards, jewelry, expensive dates, etc. I want a husband who picks up after himself.

� His lack of motivation in what? Be specific.�
It will take less time to tell you what he is motivated to do, which is hunt and have sex. He says he loves his job but in general he does a lot of complaining about it and gets angry when someone doesn�t do their job so I don�t see how he can say he loves it. When he comes home at night he is motivated to do nothing. He cooks because if he doesn�t he goes hungry and gives me a brief run down of his day. He isn�t even happy with all of the recreational activities he ranked a 2 or 3 when we went through 5 steps to romantic love. I almost always let him pick soley what our activity will be and he still doesn�t enjoy it . He gives reasons like I am tired, it�s winter, I hurt, I am just not enthusiastic���.. there is always something.

�You arent going to progress with lies.
So what am I supposed to say when he says he wants to think about something and I don�t agree? I can either state my view or say that�s fine (which is a lie, I don�t think it is fine since I don�t agree). Neither alternative is right.

�I don't understand the reason why are you faking and being dishonest. That won't get genuine results. Most certainly NEVER fake SF!! Good grief.
There's a lot of vagueness here and not much evidence that you are familiar with the programme. Have you read all the basic concepts? Applied them?
It won't work if you are not only not doing it, but doing the exact opposite - like being false.�
As far as the fake it until you make it strategy it is one that Dr. Harley refers to in the archives. Act like you are in love until you are in love. It makes my husband happy because I don�t complain but is such a huge drain on me and does not fix any of the problems he will not address. For the record I am not faking an orgasm just the fact that I have an interest in having sex in the first place.
I have read fall in love stay in love, his needs her needs, love busters, 5 steps to romantic love, listened to the archived shows extensively and started he wins she wins this week. I would be happy to expand on anything just let me know where you feel I am being vague.

Hang:
How are you complaining? Can you give an example?