Hello all,

My wife and I are both 25 years old. We got married almost 4 years ago and got pregnant shortly after. For the past year and a half I�ve not only been working full-time, but also going to school full-time with the goal of providing for my family. I�ve now realized that this goal, while full of good intention, was harmful to our relationship because I did not spend enough time with my wife.

I found out about seven weeks ago that my wife had an affair. From what she has told me, and what I can verify, the affair started emotionally about two months prior to me finding out and lead to two sexual encounters. I found out because I became suspicious and asked her directly, to which she replied with a silent acknowledgement.

I know one of the biggest reasons this happened is because I stopped being her recreational companion and she found someone else that filled that void. I have forgiven her for the affair, but I�m still working through a lot of the emotion and feelings not only from the affair, but from what has been said and happened since I found out.

When I first found out, she told me she didn�t love me and wanted a divorce. I told her the night I found out that I wanted to make it work, still loved her, and would forgive her. That has been my attitude through all of this. Since then, she has oscillated back and forth, but she seems genuinely sincere about making our marriage work now. She has completely stopped contact with the OM and has been exposed to all of her family and some close friends. She will now tell me she loves me, but it is definitely a committal/caring love, not a romantic love.

I am trying to keep the details of the affair, and what�s happened since then, brief as my goal is to move forward with recovery and not to linger in the hurt of what has happened. That being said, there are certain things that have been said that I am having a difficult time with. Also, I�m unhappy with her apparent perspective on our relationship.

Now I�d like to discuss some of the things that I�m having difficulty with now. I post these things because I don�t know if they are important to discuss or if I should just focus on the future and building our relationship fresh. I should also mention that I am trying the Plan A approach and have been from the beginning, though there have been a couple of moments where I almost had to implement Plan B.

Firstly, she seems to still admire/respect/glorify the OM and have little of those things for me. I want her to think that �I�m awesome� if for nothing else than I choose to forgive her for the affair.

Secondly, she also feels like our marriage was a mistake, at least to some degree. She wishes she had waited longer to get married because she feels like she didn�t understand what she was getting into. I don't want to feel like the mistake.

Thirdly, she seems to have little tolerance for me when I am feeling weak or emotional. I get this way because she seems distant and cold and still doesn�t display romantic love for me.

Lastly, the worst and hardest part for me, is that she says sex was better and more fulfilling with the OM than with me.

My goal in posting here is to get help on finding the path to a successful, happy, fulfilling marriage for both of us. HELP! Please ask questions, I�m happy to provide more information, but its difficult for me to summarize all that has happened. I did post my story on another forum and people called my wife and I names and put further doubt into my mind. Like I said, I�m looking for the path to recovery, I am trusting and believing my wife when she says she wants us to work and that is dedicated to our marriage.

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Who is the OM? Is he married?

Have you read all of this?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

No, he is a single guy. We've known him for several years. They went on one or two dates before we started dating.

Other people have said that I should be concerned that this was going on the whole time and I should get a paternity test. I'm not concerned that there was something going on the whole time or that my child isn't mine. When we first got married and while we dated, I was with my wife all the time, there simply wasn't enough room or time for an affair.

He's very active does gymnastics, dancing, rock climbing, etc. Activities that my wife does and enjoys as well. It is through these activities that they were able to connect emotionally. He also doesn't work a typical 9-5 job, he lives with roommates and is able to support himself though his passions. He is a dj, works as an entertainer, etc.

I enjoy these activities too, and when we were dating I did all of them with her. I realize that when I stopped doing these things (because I was focused on work/school) I essentially allowed her to fall away from me. Now, I am actively trying to get more involved in these interests and develop new interests that we both share.

Yes I've read this material, as well as, a lot of the material on the MB site.

Rebuilding:

I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here, however, you have found the right place to help you and your wife recover.

Please read the link that BrainHurts posted, and then come back and answer the questions she posed.

Another side question, my wife and I agreed that reading one of Dr. Harley's books would be a good idea. Would "Surviving an Affair" or "Fall In Love, Stay In Love" be more appropriate? I was leaning towards "Fall In Love, Stay In Love".

RL,

How are you going to get the OM completely out of your life?

You and your WW can't even be fiends with friends of OM now, you have to completely clean out your facebook.

I would agree on the paternity test just to put it to rest.

Expose the OM to high heaven.

God Bless
Gamma

Rebuilding
READ SAA! In this book Dr. Harley covers all four of your concerns. Follow the advice given here this is the best place to recover your M.

You have to be sure and kill this A by exposure on both sides.

Don't get too bound up with WW's fog talk. Dr. Harley explains how WS almost always rewrite history in their minds... I.E. made a mistake getting married etc.

You have a tough , narrow path ahead of you but you are at the right place. With MB you have a plan... follow the plan don't cut corners.

Hello Gamma,

The OM appears to be completely out of our life. She isn't going anywhere he might be and she has blocked him from her phone/facebook/instagram. She has also given me access to her phone whenever I would like. There are still some mutual friends, so I may need to take further action there.

I read another post on here that listed several extreme precautions to take, some of which seemed pretty smart. I will be looking more into that later.

Like I said, I'm not concerned in the slightest about the legitimacy of my son. I'm 100% sure that my son is my son.

I did not expose the OM to any of our mutual friends (outside family) or his friends and perhaps I should / should have. It seems like the time for that has come and gone though.

Thanks for your response.

Also thanks catwhit and brain hurts for your earlier replies.

Thanks for the reply wle2.

I guess I'm a little concerned about continuing to talk about the affair. It is such an emotionally driven subject that it is really hard to remain objective when we discuss anything about it. That is what makes me think that reading a book that focuses on falling in love may be more appropriate.

However, if you and others are telling me SAA is more appropriate, I will follow the advice.

Thanks again.

A followup question, do WS typically undo their rewrites to history?

RL,

I did not expose the OM to any of our mutual friends (outside family) or his friends and perhaps I should / should have. It seems like the time for that has come and gone though.

You have to expose to people who matter to OM like his parents, his sibling, his grandparents, etc. This cost to OM will make him less likely in the future to contact your WW as he has to know you will strike back. It will also make your WW less likely to step over the line again. It's better than putting him in a wheelchair.

God Bless
Gamma

Rebuildinglove
Once you have had all of your A questions answered you do not talk about it anymore ...ever. Bringing up mistakes of the past are what Dr. Harley calls "enemies of good conversation" It is a LB.

Establishing EP"s, removing the conditions that led to the A and creating romantic love for each other is the MB path, but again don't miss any steps my friend. Exposure is the first step.

Having my FWW read SAA with me was a game changer.

This is one of the only things I wish I would have done differently. I wish I would have told his side when I found out.

I still feel like now its too late to do this. Is this something I should discuss with my wife? I'm assuming this is in SAA, maybe when we read the book it would be a good time to discuss exposing him?

I've read elsewhere that trickle exposure can be really bad, and I just feel like doing it now would be compromising our progress.

Thoughts?

Only after the fog lifts. An A is an addiction and must be treated the same way. They have to be removed from the source of the addiction. Unfortunately as with most all addictions there is a withdrawal period.

The words that a WS says while in the fog are the most painful ever uttered to the ears of the BS. But as I have experienced personally and read on so many other threads of those who have had MR yes, they can and do.

That is one of the many reasons why exposure is so necessary it sheds the light of day on a WS's A fantasy world.

Thank you! I can't tell you how encouraging that is to me.

Just to reiterate, she has been exposed to all of our closest family and friends. Its the OM who hasn't been exposed to his family and friends. I'm definitely open to the idea. My hesitation is because I don't want to compromise our progress as I feel the window of opportunity has passed on that.

Rebuilding...

I second wle's advice that you should get you hands on SAA ... ASAP!
You can download it on kindle from Amazon right now....

Stay focused on this task. Your other questions will be answered therein, and you will have a PLAN to follow on your recovery road.

Okay, I will get SAA then. I don't have a kindle, so I will opt for the hard copy.

Thanks for the advice.