<BR>H is 35 today. Thought we'd share a great suprise party, loving friends and family, gifts, good fodd, you know the drill. Instead we are separated and papers have been filed. My heart breaks a little bit more with each breath. I am so sad and sick about this horror called my life. I can barely breath. I feel alone and odd girl out on this site. Everyone is so loving and supportive. I appreciate that but -- I am angry and mad and betrayed and burnt and feeling like our dream is dead. We have all been there. H had affair. ow is pregnant and due in January. H lied and lied and lied to my face for months - 6-8. And while I still love him, how can I ever trust, share, have faith? I had no clue at all. There were no signs. I am just venting because otherwise, I might be crying or throwing up right now. Isn't anyone else pissed or angry to find themselves betrayed. I know h wants to reconcile - is that good enough reason to let him in again, what about the months of lies and the future burden of financially supporting a child. And the months of lies. I guess I just need to hear that others are angry too and angry at him for doing this to me. The love of his life, his wife.

Life,<BR>I know your angry, I was too. I was so angry at my W and every once in awhile it creeps back. But the hate is so unproductive, It is part of the healing process but once you just accept what has happened and learn from it the hate will slowly fade. I just came to a point and told myself that I wanted this to work no matter what. I chose to be with her, to love her, to forgive her, to grow old with her. <P>I missed alot during this whole thing, and that does make it tough. I just try to keep in mind that the next time these moments come around with my W that they will be that much better.<P>Things I missed were....<P>Her high school reunion<BR>My Birthday...<BR>Our Anniversary<BR>Her Birthday...<BR>Upcoming Thanksgiving...<BR>Upcoming anniversary of our first date..<BR>Upcoming christmas...<BR>Upcoming millenium New years..<P>So you see you are not alone, I still have hope that the last 4 we will be together but I am learning not to hold my breath. When and if it happens then I will cherish every moment together. Baby steps and time........<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Hello Life,<P>I'm very sorry to read your post about the difficulties you're in right now. If it's any consolation, you're not alone here and there are many here who have gone thru their own difficulties. I'm one of them (and with my wife Suse).<P>Yes, you're right. There are many times we joke and tease here. There are lots of times we look for the good things in our lives and delight in sharing them with others on the Forum.<P>It's okay to be angry. Being on the receiving end of infidelity is one of the worse things I can think of which might happen to someone. It always hurts. And, the recovery process almost always starts with anger.<P>Part of what we do here is offer people a place to vent some of that anger in a constructive way. So, please don't feel out of place doing so. There are others here who have gone thru something similar to your experiences. Sharing things with them helps. Mostly.<P>Lastly, if there have been times you've read my posts or others who seem to be doing so well... please know that it's not always been so. We don't do it in any way to make someone feel uncomfortable. It's to offer hope. <P>Suse and I were very close to splitting up. Perhaps even 2 or 3 times over the years. Things weren't always so peachy.<P>But yanoo? We might have been able to get it all together a LOT earlier if we'd had access years ago to a group such as this. That's why I believe in it so much. That's why I want to participate. Maybe...just maybe our experiences will save someone some wasted time. Maybe they won't be as stupid as we were. <P>Food for thought.<P>------------------<BR> "When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries of life disappear and life stands explained." Mark Twain, 1898.<P><BR>

Life, I believe you are right the only difference is your ow is pregnant. I understand the pain you feel right now. I am sad because there is nothing I can do to make this pain go away. I wished that no-one would have to go through the pain that we've all shared. Does it get better? Will you want to go on with him? Are you willing to becaome a mother to this child? That is a big responsibility. Think carefully before you make a rash decision. I've always been told that love is strong enough it will always come out the winner. But then I think of that song SOMETIMES LOVE JUST AIN'T ENOUGH. Sorry maybe I am not in the right frame of mind to offer ant advice. I think I need to wait till I am over my man bashing mood to be of any help to anyone. <BR>

Life, I am sending you a big HUG!!! We all needs a hug from time to time and today is your turn. Hang in there babe. We will all make it thru this bad time. My husband just offered to go with me for my ultrasound on Monday and I turned him down. (Backtrack: Mammogram showed a lump last week so I have to have an ultrasound for further evaluation). Anyway, I told him "don't worry about it, if you can't stand by me in health, then I don't need you standing by me in sickness". Then I hung up on him. Was I wrong? If so, I owe him an apology, but actually I feel stronger knowing I don't need him any more. I would like to save our marriage but I'm tired of being the doormat, so I'm moving on. Sorry, got off on me! What I wanted to say was you are a treasure and deserve to be treated as one. My prayers and thoughts are with you.<P>

Life, Do I feel anger yes, but I have found it doesn't do me any good in fact it just makes me hurt more. We ar at least I was ready for a whole new life with H. We almost had an empty nest and I was ready for it to be just us again I was looking forward to it but....... Anger is good up toa point, when we let it control our life then it is no good. The pain is always there but it seems to get a little easier to bear. Don't make decsisions right now if at all possible. You need to take time to get your head clear and really think about what you want. Can you trust him, share and faith again? I don't know you are the only one who can answer that but you aren't ready for it right now the pain is too new. And you don't have to make major decisions right now. Spent time on your self think about how you feel now, and how you want to feel and who you want to be with. But when you do feel angry come here and vent get all out. It does help. Read the other post there is always wisdom in all of them even if we feel that our circumstances are different. My H lied from the time I found out in Mar till he left the last of july. I know if he ever wakes up it will be hard to rebuild , do I want to at the point in time yes, later I don't know. So come here and let us give you support.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

dear life,<BR>as i sit here in the last 15 minutes or so of my 35th birthday alone without you for the first time in 9 years, all i can think about is how sorry i am for the pain i have caused you and how very very lonely i am without you...you are my life and although lately i seem to try to imagine the reality of living without you it is impossible to not let the more loving memories of our special times together and you know there have been more than any two people could ask for...i know you will say then why did i do what i did?...risk it all for what?<BR>for nothing...i risked it because i was selfish and didn't understand about communicating with you, didn't understand my own shortcomings, didn't understand how to cope with the tremendous pressures i was feeling, whether you knew they were there or not...i did not share them with you because i never wanted you to worry...i thought i was doing the right thing by keeping you out...i didn't know the right thing to do because i never learned from anyone...didn't understand how to handle our problems so i withdrew and acted out selfishly...looked elsewhere for something that could never be...and yes i lied, and i got into a bigtime bad thing that got so out of control i became suicidal...can you even imagine that from me...ever...i could never even dream in wildest dreams these things could ever happen to me and yet my actions have devastated you the person i love and cherish most so badly...remorseful...yes...guilty...yes...embarrassed...yes...ashamed...yes...<BR>you ask is me wanting to reconcile good enough reason to let me back in again...<BR>i can answer that easily and the answer is no...you should let me back again when and if you can find the compassion and love inside you to forgive me because of your love for me and the precious memories we have of a beautiful relationship save for this hideous time...how can you ever trust me again...you will have to learn over time through the strengthening of our relationship and working on our problems that i can and will be able to be trusted...will this come easy...no...is it possible...i am willing to do whatever it takes to earn that back from you and i know it will take a very long time...you must be willing also...the months of lies...yes i deceived you and you were burnt badly...it was part of my addiction a symptom and was easy for me to compartmentalize my affair and keep it completely separate from you...i have read that men do this quite differently from women, and maybe this difference is why you cannot understand this or feel this was at all possible...i made a series of mistakes, errors in judgement, behavior i never did in the past, i was confused, not thinking clearly and yes to some degree although i don't use this as an excuse i feel i was somewhat mentally ill, not focused properly...but that does not make up for any of what i did...what i did was wrong and there is no excuse or justification...i know that and have tried to take responsibility for this mess...i know how angry and bitter and alone you are...i feel your pain with you and knowing i am the cause pains me deeper...i can only do my best to change my life for the better, to change me for the better...to understand and learn from my mistakes...to learn and understand our problems and how to fix them if you want to try...and i am trying to do all of those things...i am struggling to find a way to make a new living for myself...something we both can be proud of where i don't have to kill myself like i was where there will be more time together for us and if you decide no, i still want something better for me because i know you were right and i can never go back to what i was doing...in terms of the financial support i can only try my hardest and tell you that i will do whatever it takes to not let what i must legally do for the oc to intefere in our lives and the lives of our family and if that means working more or another job or whatever it will take...i will and can do it...i can sit here and write until the cows come home and although i know my word carries zero weight with you as it should right now...the bottom line is that it has to come from you...from within your heart...that no matter what you can and are willing to stand by me in love and that yes you want to make the sacrifices that will be necessary to share a future with me and all my baggage...and i know in my heart that that future can hold a relationship for us that is better than you could have ever dreamed...it can only happen if you want it to...i am sorry that i put you here very much so, i hate myself for that and will carry a certain amount of pain for what i have done to you with me until i die and probably after that too...i guess that part is the scarring that everyone here talks about...well i will end here now because i am crying...i promised i wouldn't cry on my 35th birthday and as it is past 12 and no longer my birthday like many other nights since we have separated i will cry myself to sleep over all i have done to you...whatever you eventually decide i will stand by you...because i love you truly and only want you to be happy...even though you may not think it you are and always have been the love of my life...i miss you more than anything and yesterday my bday was one of the hardest days in my life...my only saving grace was you were in my thoughts and visions every single second of every single minute...i love you very much...<BR>much peace and love...trying hard....<P>

Hi all, thank you for listening and hearing my anger and pain. <BR>Today is a new day. sun is shining and people of all capabilities will run the marathon. Maybe I can take some of that pride and joy and put it on me. I know we have all been here. As I read the posts I began to cry. Maybe its time to set some new goals. Get over the anger and focus on the good: love of family and friends, health, and the support of H for me to do what I need to do in my own time. <BR>Rutger - you are right, anger and hate is unproductive, but sometimes is does creep up on you when you least expect. My role in life was always a giver - of strength when needed and listening skills when others vent. I'm just not used to being on the other side. I think my baby step today will to find some of that strength I seemed to have lost! <BR>DM - I know this is a home for the constructive and not destructive, but the venting helped get me through a difficult day. I appreciate everyone's life experience and know in time...<BR>Hey Spicey 2, nice to see you in my world. Bottom line w/ ow child,it will not be a part of our lives. If we go it alone, I hope for H sake, he doesn't get invlolved - it can only be a painful reminder of the death of his family. Is love enough or not? Ask myself that every day. Don't know yet. <P>Xinlaw -thank you, thank you I needed the hug. Right back at you in your time of need. I'm not very familiar with your story, I'll do some research today. Regarding you response to H, I might have reacted the same way. From the gut.We can't control ourselves all the time. Good luck, my prayers are there for you.<BR>SDS - I'll take your support and wisdom anyday. Thank you for caring.<P>TH - love of my life. Had me in tears from your first few words. Don't know what to say. I think you are sincere and that is what makes it so hard. I want desperately to believe in you. I can't truly put in words the internal struggle I feel. Thank you for your patience and support.

Life. I'm so sorry. We have something in common. 11/6 is my H's b-day too and he'll be sharing it somewhere else, with someone else. Party with the family that I've been a part of all these years, but I'm not there.<P>It sucks. I do get a little angry. Not so much, though. Mostly just sad.<P>Just wanted you to know you weren't alone. And we're all glad you're here.<P>Lori

Man, You two....... Trying hard sounds sincere.... That is a start. Don't stop there, Keep it going. It sounds as if the two of you have a better chance than most of us. If you need to use this forum as a go between, then by all means.. do so. <P>I would love for my W to post on here, To seek answers to her questions. I think this is a great place of support and initiates self growth. I wish nothing but the best for you both. I know things look bleak right now but keep coming back to vent, to talk, to air out your feelings. <P>Bottom line, You can get through this and it will be better for you both. Your marriage and relationship will be stronger than before......... Keep the faith<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Life and trying hard,<P>There is so much POTENTIAL here - please don't lose this opportunity. There is alotof hurt and broken trust to get over. You 2 really seem to have a solid base to work from.<P>I am really wishing you both the best...<P>Roll Me Away

thank you all for your generous support i try not to get involved in my w's posts because i want her to be able to acccess the support independently of me and am so happy she has come to mb to learn and have some support...we have been talking i guess when i see her posts the forum does serve as sort of a go between for us to interact without the pressure and anger coming through and it is much easier not to lovebust...i hope you all don't mind we will keep you all updated...thanks again for everyone's help...much peace and love...trying hard<BR>

Funny being here sometimes. Weird when H responds, sometimes I think it is a bit of an invasion. Then that thought passes and I do get to read what he says without all the hurt and anger were I to respond in person. So..<P> Lostva - I guess you understand the difficult day. I hope you made it through ok. I think I did but it didn't stop similar thoughts from you - H is spending this special day with other people that I used to be an integral part of. Not easy. Thanks for your thoughts. <P>Roll Me Away and Rutger - Yes, doesn't there seem to be potential? You read his words of love and less frequently mine. But all this potential was killed. I feel like maybe it never really existed if it was so easy for H to throw away. I just need time to get over the obstacles. I have to say how confusing it is to be here in this supportive place, have H post his love and support and then step out into the real world with well-meaning friends and family, therapists and lawyers who point out just the opposite.Still, like H, I am trying hard. thanks again all. H - see you later.