Just ordered it, should have it in time for Christmas. Yay!?

Good going...

Also, try your public library in case there is an available copy which you can begin on until yours gets here. Does your library have online catalogue searching?

Great idea, I just checked and they do have a copy in stock. I'll try to pick it up after work.

catwhit, I couldn't help but notice in your signature you've had quite the hard road. Is your story online here?

Excellent!

It is. If you click on my signature, and then check out my posts you will find much of my journey under my SAA thread. Like you, I also thought it was "water under the bridge" and too late to do a full exposure when my WH insisted his A was over at D-Day 1. Boy, was I wrong...

Consider this recreational reading, though, Rebuilding. Keep your focus on reading Harley's "Surviving an Affair" book at this point. That is your plan and course of action.

EVERYONE here has had a rough ride....

I apologize in advance if I missed this.

What were the conditions that allowed her affair? Have those been closed or changed?

What EPs has she agreed to?
Did she write a NC letter to OM?
Did you expose to anyone on OM's side?

Have you seen this?
Extraordinary Precautions-Revised SAA

First, thanks to everyone that recommended SAA, I read the first four chapters last night and can definitely identify with the story about John, Sue, and Greg. My wife and I are going to read through the book together doing the activities as they occur in the book.

Thanks BH for the questions. We are still working on some of these things.

The main conditions that allowed the affair to happen were a lack of spending time together doing recreational activities and poor communication. We literally had less than 5 hours a week of UA. I'm sure there are/were other problems, but I think uping our UA is a huge first step and will provide immediate results.

Additionally, she doesn't have a traditional job. She does a variety of side work which leaves her plenty of free time during the day, especially during a slow week. She is looking into getting a part-time job both to reduce the amount of free-time she has while I am working and to get the fulfillment that comes from contributing to our budget. Money has always been really tight for us, her getting a part-time job will provide the first time in our marriage when money won't be a constant stress.

I am switching jobs from my current 9-5 to working as more of a contractor. I will make a little more money, and get to work from home about 50% of the time. Additionally, my schedule will be flexible allowing me to work more or less on any one day so I can take impromptu trips if I want. My new job will have occasional week or so long trips that we've decided to do together regardless of cost. I feel really blessed for the opportunity that has seemingly fallen in my lap at the right time. I am also reducing my school load to 6 hours a semester from 18, maybe less if it is interfering too much.

Lastly, she is very actively involved in dance and enjoys physical activities. When we were dating and early in our marriage, I would go with her to almost all of these activities. But as time went on and I got more busy, I became pretty uninvolved in those classes as they are at night and I typically would be doing school/watching my son/relaxing. This area needs work.

My focus is to find activities that we both like (like swing dancing, rock climbing, etc.) and to do those together. I think this will work well and allow her to pursue interests that are more common instead of interests that are mostly hers. The challenge is that she still wants to dance, and I want her to, too. But, like I said, these classes are at night and I don't want to go to all of them. I'm not sure if that is a problem or not, but it does seem to reduce the amount of time for UA/RC.

As for the EP's, we are going to get to that part of the book over the next couple of days. That being said, she has revealed as much information as I have asked about the affair, she has made a commitment never to see or talk to the OM again (with a small exception), she has blocked the OM from her phone and social media, we are spending our leisure time together, no overnight separation, and all of her family and close friends know. The items on the checklist still needing work are the NC letter, accounting for time (if I ask her she will tell me, I'd prefer her to be proactive), accounting for money (she has a checking account I don't have access to), and I'm not sure what technical accountability is (phone records / gps?). The small exception is that she still wants to do some of the activities that she did while the OM was present, like rock climbing. There is literally only one rock climbing gym in our area. She would like me to go with her and it is something I would like to do, but there is a good change the OM will be there.

I have not exposed the A to anyone on the OM's side.

RL, it is a good idea to put aside hobbies that do not include both of you for the time being due to the contrast effect. The dance could perhaps be added back in the future in a reduced amount as long as it doesn't interfere with your marriage in any way. And it sounds like it does interfere in your marriage because it cuts into your UA time and is not something you can do together.

Check this out: Recreational Companionship

Here is the UA worksheet that many of us use. This is very helpful because time that is not scheduled is very easy to put off: worksheet

Don't give in to this. NC shouldn't have exceptions. Jut her seeing him is going to be enough. Not going to this gym anymore is I'm afraid going to be a consequence of the A if you want to survive it.

Absolutely. That place should be crossed off your list forever.

How did she facilitate her affair? Facebook? Text? Phone calls? Go see him?

Have all those conditions been changed?

Yeah, I kinda figured that was the right answer. Is it typical for the WS to eventually be able to see the OP without having feelings rushing back? The reason I ask is, even avoiding places where they used to go together, there is a pretty good chance we will randomly run into him somewhere.

No!!

That's why there must be NC for life.

What about moving?

Mainly through seeing him in person at their activities and texting, eventually phone calls. She has blocked him from her phone and social media and doesn't go to places where he might be. Additionally, she has given me permission to check her phone whenever I would like , which I do every other day. I can't account for her whereabouts the whole day, everyday, but she is very open to discussing where she has been and tells me her plans for the day in the morning. I do also use her phone to track her location occasionally throughout the day, especially if our son is being watched by someone else. When she had the physical part of the affair, it was during the day while I was at work and my son was being watched. I also check our phone call logs to make sure she isn't deleting calls from her phone.

All of our family is here and they are our closest friends. It would be difficult to move, especially right now with our relationship in its current state.

Your relationship probably won't improve much unless you move. She will be running into him all the time and when that happens, affairs resume. We understand how difficult it is to move, but it is less difficult to get divorced. Every person who has moved away to avoid an affair partner was very glad they did because it saved their marriage.

I don't want to give the wrong impression. In the five years we've been together, we've run into him once randomly. I was just trying to say that it is something that might happen. That being said, I'm not completely opposed to the idea of moving, but I don't feel that it is necessary, as of yet.

Think of it this way, RL:

The OM knows how to deposit love units in your wife's love bank. He has already successfully done so. Massively enough to cause your wife to abandon her vows and do something she KNOWS is wrong.

With your plan (not moving, knowing she and you will likely bump into OM at some point), you are counting on this predator to not go after your wife. Which he already has proven he will do.

Furthermore, you and your WW will never recover from the A if the reminders are constantly there.

You need to erect much stronger barriers to protect your wife, your family and yourself. Recovery is HARD ENOUGH. Likely, it will be the most difficult thing you do in your life, ever. Give your marriage the chance it needs, don't stack the deck against yourself and your family!

Your fortress plan:
NC letter (puts OM on notice)
Move (allows a fresh start; eliminates chance encounters)
Change WW's contact info... Close email accounts, FB, change phone numbers
(Reduces possibility of further contact)
Cut off contact with mutual friends of OM

We don't have the wrong impression. My family moved 500 miles away. I only ran into my wife's affair partner once in ten years. But the result of doing so is so catastrophic to recovery that it is a risk not worth taking. There are many more benefits to moving. If you stay where you are, you will be exposed to so many triggers, not to mention the likelihood that the affair will rekindle, that your recovery will be made much more difficult.