So to start off, my wife and I have been married 5 years. We have 3 children, 2 from her previous marriage (15 and 13) and one of our own (3 yrs old). But all the children are mine. So with everything that goes on with raising kids, we seem to have taken a back seat. I felt as if she was pushing me away and shutting me out. I had a problem with getting angry and my temper was terrible. This is part of where the distance began. Anyways, I started talking to another woman online. The talking led to flirting, then full on graphic conversations. I ended up meeting this woman, and I kissed her, once. My wife found out about this and of course was devastated. We went to counseling and things started to get better. She never really trusted me. I can't blame her, but I think that held her back some in trying to repair our relationship. So, things started going back to the way they were, minus the anger. There was very little physical contact. The relationship began to drag. It seemed as if we were just room mates living together. I began talking to my ex-wife. We talked about what had ruined our relationship, and things I did wrong in hopes that I wouldn't do them in this relationship. We expressed that we still had feelings for each other, but not in a "want to be together" way. I went and saw her one day. We hugged. We talked. It was just general conversation. There was nothing physical. I wasn't looking to get physical with her. We began texting and talking on the phone. She let me know that she was dating one of my friends and he was worried that I would be bothered by this. I said no because I was married and besides, we were ex's. Well, my wife found out about this and assumed that we had an affair. I made the mistake of not telling my wife anything about the conversations, going to see her, anything. I do not blame her for her anger for this.

I love my wife and our children with all that I am. I know that I have done completely wrong in doing this. After reading quite a bit of information on this site, it was like most of the stuff here was directed at me. I realized that I was doing the whole marriage thing wrong. I was selfish, and was in it for myself. I want to do what is right. I know that being in a marriage such as ours, I have to put her and the children first. To give them everything they need and deserve in a father and a husband. By doing that I get the greatest reward, to have them.

I am not staying at home, I am currently staying with family. She says that I have lost her and doesn't know if I will get her back. She says that she is deciding what is best for the kids. It is ripping me apart. I know I can be the man she deserves. I know I can be the loving husband that will fill her needs. I know I can be the best father the children could have. I just need the chance. I am making notes off this site and making plans to get the love back. I miss talking and just spending time with her.

I know I have done wrong and I hurt her and the children. I have apologized to her and the kids and I want to try and move forward........any suggestions?

Am I reading this correctly?

You have two older children with her in addition to your younger one?

You had these two older children while she was married? So, you were her OM in her first marriage?

Hi savage, welcome to Marriage Builders. Your wife does have the right to end the marriage and we would support her if she made that choice. There are some things you could do, however, that might turn this around. It would start with taking extraordinary precautions to protect her from another affair and to tell her the full truth about your affairs. Your "stories" don't ring true, so that is where I would start.

It is not believable that you didn't have sex with these women and I am sure she doubts that story. A married man is in the habit of having sex when he kisses, so your story doesn't ring true. I would start off by scheduling a polygraph to clear up those "stories." You have a much better chance of saving your marriage if you just get all the truth out there now. A betrayed spouse senses when they are being lied to and I suspect she knows.

I would go to her with a complete plan to recover your marriage and protect her from a repeat. I will post a checklist in the next post.

Did your relationship with your wife begin as an affair?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Your stories are not very credible Savage.

Trust isn't something we get given - it's earned. If you want to earn trust you are either going to have to tell her the full extent of what happened, with no thought of yourself - or you will have to prove your versions with a polygraph.

I simply don't believe you and your wife should not either.

I appreciate the response. But they are not stories. They are exactly the way things happened. I have not had a sexual relationship with anyone outside of my marriage. I would gladly take a polygraph to prove this. I have also been completely honest with her since the exposure. The "kiss" was a very brief encounter that lasted about 5 minutes or so. I just want to move forward and prove to her I can be the man she deserves. The information I have found on this site has just blown me away and there are so many things I want to use from here to get us going in the right direction. Speaking openly to this group about it is a start. Thanks.

Does your wife believe your stories?

And I understand you want to "move on." That is easy to say when you are not the victim. However, infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug and quickly forgotten. If you even get that chance.

As I replied to someone else, I would gladly take a polygraph to prove I have not had sex outside the marriage. My wife is upset that I made an emotional connection and that I had an emotional affair. She said this was far worse than a physical one. I have put it all out here, and I do appreciate the responses. I have also put it all out there with her, now I just want to make things right. Thanks.

Does she believe that story?

The two older children are hers from her first marriage. She was already divorced when I met her. Our relationship did not start from an affair, but from old fashioned dating. I now claim the children as my own, step-kids just doesn't sound right to me. When we first got married, she said she didn't want to have anymore children, and I was ok with that. But after 2 years, she decided that we could have one child together. That's where we stand today. Thanks.......

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_done____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_done____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_done____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse. I physically talked to the OP and let them know that I was not going to be talking to them anymore.

_done____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_done____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_done____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers). I have my phone with me everywhere, and she has the find my iphone app and knows where I am

_done____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent). My wife has the checkbook and access to all account information.

_problem____Spend leisure time together. I'm trying to get her back to do this with her.

_n/a____Change jobs and relocate if necessary. Neither of these are necessary.

__problem___Avoid overnight separation. My work takes me away for days at a time, but she knows exactly where I am. She has complete access to my work schedule and where I will be each night I'm away.

_done____Allow technical accountability. My wife has all my passwords. I have nothing to hide from her.

_done____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

I have already done almost everything on the checklist. I am trying to move forward and prove to her I am worthy. I do love her immensely, and want to show her.

This I am unsure about. I don't know if she fully believes me or not. I do not blame her, and I know how it looks. I have apologized to her, and I have apologized to the children. She says she wants to do what's best for the kids. I have talked to the kids, and they do not want us to split up. They have already gone through one divorce and do not want to go through another. I am extremely close to my daughter (15), and there is so much I want to teach both my sons (13 and 3). I am giving her space and not pushing her, but I can't begin to repair any damage unless she lets me. I am trying, but it seems on a very limited basis.

I would ask her if she believes your story, because you can see the reaction here from objective observers. No one believes it. And I would stop talking about "moving on." It is a little self serving to talk about moving on when you are the perpetrator of the crime.


Not spending the night apart is a very basic extraordinary precaution. Traveling jobs are an invitation to affairs so she should not consider reconciliation until that risk is removed.

Check out this thread about traveling jobs: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=165049&Number=2563215#Post2563215

I commented on the "traveling jobs" thread. I am a pilot, so traveling is my job. But as I said in the other thread, my job has never been of concern for an affair. I view my job as a means to provide my family the type of living they deserve. I realize that as you say, I am the perpetrator of the crime, but nothing has ever happened while I was at work. It all has happened at home. When I say moving on, I am talking about moving forward to repair the damage done. I know I probably can not be forgiven and it's not going to be forgotten, but I want to make things right and prove that I can be the man she and the children deserve. Is that wrong? I truly want to save my marriage and I am willing to do whatever it takes as long as it will not cause a financial hardship on my family.

Like I said, traveling jobs are an invitation to affairs and make recovery of your marriage impossible. They are a disaster to marriages. We have had surgeons and even military personnel find other jobs, you can do that too if you are serious about saving your marriage. She shouldn't even consider reconciliation with you until this problem is resolved.

Marriage is much more than just living in the same house and passing each other in the hallway once a week. It is an integrated relationship of extraordinary care that requires spending nights together and spending 15+ hours of undivided attention together throughout the week.

You don't seem willing to do whatever it takes. You dismiss every piece of advice that has been given to you because you feel that your BW and your situation is different. It is not.

You say many things but there is no action to back it up. Words are meaningless to a BS...it is all about your actions to turn yourself around and EARN back her love and trust. You don't seem to understand the importance of changing your lifestyle to make her feel safe and protected.

Maybe you should send your BW here so we can talk to her. She seems to have good instincts.