I have a question about contacting the OW's BH.

Those who have seen my other post know that I have been resistant to exposure - me, not my WH. The affair is over, and I don't think a "bomb" is needed to stop it. WH has made an appointment to talk with our pastor, and we have decided that we will tell our teenaged sons soon. He wants to do whatever I feel is necessary to make me feel safe and heal.

Some background:
He was pulling away from the affair before I confronted him - I knew about it for about 2 weeks before I told him. I monitored during that time, and although there were a few texts, there were no meetings, and he in fact "missed" a meeting they had set up - specifically planning to be with me during that time. We had just started having some serious discussions and making changes in our way of dealing with each other a few days before my DDay. During those 2 weeks between my DDay and when I confronted him, he texted her that we were working on our marriage. She actually encouraged him - telling him he "had to try - she is your wife" in a text.

The day after confrontation, he messaged her that he was cutting off all contact, defriended her on facebook, deleted all the online games where they had been messaging each other, and deleted her phone number from his phone. We didn't send a formal NC letter, because this was before we found this site. He did what he thought was right in just messaging her at the time.

He has been doing everything he can to prove that he wants our marriage to recover from this. He was already emerging from "the fog" at the time I confronted him, trying to figure out how to end it,because he was already realizing what a horrible thing he had done and had realized that what he had seen as "green grass" was full of weeds.(Timeline was EA2 months mostly online and texts, PA less than one month - she lives in another town). He has answered every question I have asked, been honest and transparent as to his activities and sends me texts often, including pics if he is doing something out of the routine so that I will know where he is. He has been reading a lot, incluing this site and the book Not Just Friends. He saw someone mention a polygraph on here, and offered to take one if it would make me feel more secure about anything. I think he has cried almost as much as I have as we have talked, read, and prayed together.

Now to my question.
There has been no contact for the past 2 1/2 months, then last week she texted him a love poem, one I think she wrote herself. He did not acknowledge or reply. He asked me to go with him and changed his number the next day. He had thought she wouldn't try to contact him, especially after she encouraged him to work things out with me and said she understood, but obviously he was wrong. Although he was surprised, I wasn't really, because I've actually been following her on facebook (makes me feel like a stalker, but so what) because Skanky actually accepted my friend request AFTER the PA started that was made over a year ago - WH had told me way back when that she was a lot like me and he thought I'd like her, that I should friend her so we could play online games, back when they really were just aquaintances. I didn't defriend her because I thought it would be a way to know where she is, and she hasn't defriended me. I think she must not realize that I know who WH was having the affair with, and is trying to be slick,because she has sent game requests, etc to me through facebook. Either that or she's a real Witch. She posts songs, quotes, etc, that I'm pretty sure she is hoping WH sees, but since he blocked her, he doesn't. I haven't told WH about them until this week with the text from her.

He is sending her a formal NC letter as suggested on this site, and I have decided to tell her BH, even though, as I said in my previous post, I am a bit concerned about what the reaction will be. They have been married for 31 years.

I would like to tell him everything I know - timeline, the time and place of their 4 meetings, I have some of their texts (I actually have photos of the screen that I can print out). Our cell phone provider does not routinely give access to phone/text logs online, unless you have this ordered on your line for an additional fee (which WH added to his from now on so I can alsways check)and we have had to request these for the months in question. I do not have those yet-it will probably be at least another week before I get them.

WH is sending the letter this week. It is already written and signed.
I am going to write up/copy what I have for the OW'sBH, but am wondering if I should wait until I have all of the logs, to add proof of the calls, texts, etc that went on before the few that I have copies of. I plan on sending them to him in the mail. Should I wait for all of the logs, or go ahead with what I have? I am planning on sending them in the mail becaue I haven't been able to find his phone number or email, but have the address. He does have a facebook account, but it doesn't look like he posts or does anything with it - at least not for the past year. I don't want there to be any doubt in his mind as to what went on, but now that I have decided to tell him, I want to get it over with and not wait on the logs. Also, should I send the letter and proof certified/signature required or just send it regular mail? I'd hate for her to intercept it, but when we get something certified or whatever in the mail, I'm usually the one that goes to pick it up whether it is mine or my husbands. So I'm wondering if it would be better to send it regular.
Advice?

And sorry for the length.

I would call the OW's husband at work and tell him you have this evidence and then either meet with him or email it to him. The problem with mailing it to his house is that the OW will intercept it and then contact you pretending to be her H and tell you he "knows all about it" and to leave them alone. I have seen that happen so many times over the years.

So, I would find a way to get to him and eliminate the ambiguity even if you have to drive to his home.

I am not too concerned about having the phone logs at this time because you have other evidence, including your husbands confession.

Has your husband forewarned the OW that you are going to expose to her husband? Because most do.

Beautifulday, this is not a complicated situation. It is all very simple:

This poor other man should have been contacted a long time ago. Call him immediately and let him know all that has happened. It is not only the right thing to do; it is the just thing to do. What are you waiting for?

Your husband should talk to him after you are finished and apologize for the great harm he has done to this man and his family. Whatever happened to common sense and decency?

There is no excuse for delaying this. You should pick up the phone and call right now.

And that text POSOW sent very well may have triggered your husband. Be vigilant. He should have changed his number a long time ago.

ML - I don't know where he works. Neither does WH. POSOW and my husband met at a recreational activity that I don't participate in, and neither does her husband. They live in a town about an hour away. I know their address from looking it up online, but the phone is unlisted.

And no, WH will not tip her off. He is a little upset that she tried to contact him as well, because he thought she would respect his decision to work on our marriage. He recognizes that this was the biggest mistake/choice of his life, and is working very hard to be the husband he needs to be and do everything he can to prevent this from happening again. He has done a lot of reading and soul searching, and come to the conclusion that if he had been the husband I needed him to be, meeting my most important needs, he never would have felt the way he did about how I was treating him. (Which admittedly was not in a respectful loving way as I should have been - still he agrees that it was not my fault he crossed that friendship boundary, but his), because I would have been reacting differetly to him.

I understand that a lot of WHs do not react this way, but I've read enough here and on other sites to know that some do. I'm just glad that mine did.

Justthe3ofus:
I've delayed because I am really very very nervous about what the OW's BH will do. Although I've never met him, through comments I've heard about him I'm concerned about a violent reaction. I know that it usually isn't the case, but maybe I'm a little more hesitant because recently in our town we had a guy shoot both his wife and the OM when he found out they were having an affair. Trying to figure out how to do it safely.

Thanks for the replies.

beautiful,

M wife was furious when I exposed.
She warned me that OM betrayed wife was crazy and might come and attack us all....

it was all lies

Jedi -
WH didn't say anything about OW's BH being violent - this is something I heard from some other people who know this family. It was awhile back, in reference to something else at the time, when WH and OW were really just aquaintances, before they crossed the boundaries. It just stuck in my head because I knew who OW was, although I've never met her. WH says OW never said anything about violence either, just complaints about disrespect and such (one of the things that crossed the "friendship" line to begin with - both talked to each other about the problems they saw in their marriages).

I'm a worrier by nature, and tend to play everything out in my mind to the worst possible senario, and with the other recent event, it just makes me nervous. I don't have any other mutual freinds/aquaintances, so I can't ask anyone else about him, either.

WH wants me to do whatever i think I need to. As I've said before, he says he will shout it from the rooftops, tell whoever I want him to if it will help me heal and our marriage survive. He knows there will be consequences, but says he is a big boy, can handle it and deserves whatever consequences that come.

Again, I appreciate the input.

It is better that the BH hears the truth from you. Then you will not have to worry about him coming after you when he finds out the truth later on...and you will never know when that will happen.

How would you feel if the BH kept you in the dark because he thought you might become violent? Think about it...you would be mad...so will the BH. This is info about his life that he deserves to know.

Secrets are never the answer. Secrets make things WORSE.

Does HE want to heal from his crime? This is not about you, but about HIM showing true remorse and making amends to his victim. This is all about your husband healing because he cannot heal and become a better man if he continues to deceive his other victim. Your husband can NEVER claim to be repentant if this man is not informed of the crime your husband committed against him. And if your husband never repents, then he will always be wayward.

How will you inform this man of the truth? What did you decide?

And I am not in the least concerned that your husbands victim is "violent." The one who knows him BEST in the world, the OW is not worried about that.

Beautifulday,

Please do the BH of the OW a big favor and let him know of this cancer that is eating away at his marriage.

Most spouses who are betrayed never find out but just struggle against an invisible foe, unless some honest person steps up to tell them.

That this OW would send your H a love poem shows just how much damage this affair has done to OWs marriage and much more so to her innocent husband.

Think of it this way too all three of you know except the BH, how would you feel if you were the one left out?

God Bless
Gamma

Thank you for your advice.

I think I may drive over to his house tomorrow or the next day after I get off work. I know Skanky won't be there because she posted on facebook she was going out of town with one of her grown children for the next few days. I'm hoping to catch him at home. If not, I can always leave the envelope there - if she's gone, she can't intercept it.

I won't have WH come with me - just in case the concerns about violence are valid. I can't imagine that I'd be the focus of any aggression, but since I probably would have had to at least had a hairpulling, scratching and hitting throwdown with the OW if she'd been standing there when I made the discovery (and I'm NOT a violent person), I don't think it would be wise for WH to be there when OW's BH finds out. WH is writing a letter of apology to be included along with his number.

OW hangs out with a lot of guys rountinely without her husband, so I suspect this isn't the first time she's done this. (Although WH did not shut it down as he should have, she made the first suggestion that they get together - not something a first-timer would be comfortable doing if you ask me. But then I could be wrong.)

Wish me luck.

That sounds like a great plan, BD!!

beautifulday,

I hope the OWH will finally be able to recover his marriage, you are doing the right thing.

God Bless
Gamma

We will all be in the car giving you support, my friend! I ride shotgun!!

Now isn't THAT a picture? ...

Its good your exposing the affair. I agree with your direct tactic, make sure you bring your proof as well.

Thanks for the encouragement. I didn't get to go yesterday because of time constraints.

I'll be leaving work in a few minutes and heading to OW's house. I have all proof copied to give to her BH. I'm nervous, but a good nervous.

So ML, lets jump in the car!

How did you make out last night, beautiful day?

Not sure, rocketqueen. When I got there no one was home. I labled the envelope with his name and "personal" and stuck it in the mailbox (there were a couple of other things in there, too, so I know it was the right place.)
It had some copies of texts, dates, etc, and my name and number and WH's name and number.

I haven't heard anything from him. Neither has WH. OW was planning to be out of town until yesterday according to facebook, so I don't think she could have intercepted, since it was 5 days ago that I left it.

Not hearing makes me nervous. I guess I should have waited a while to see if he came home and gave it to him in person.
I just have to assume he got it, I guess.

You need to talk to him in person. Please do not assume that he got the information. (His WW could have taken that information and destroyed it.) Please follow up with him directly.