A little background on my marriage: I am a high school teacher, my husband is a state judge. We met online in January 2002, were married in December 2002. We adopted our oldest daughter from Russia at nearly 3 years old in June 2005. Our adopted daughter had some attachment issues with me initially, while she bonded very well with my husband. We have continued to have issues with attachment over the years, and see a psychologist and psychiatrist for her behaviors every 3-6 months. They say it is probably from her being given up for adoption by her birth mom at age 2 and the hard life she led before we adopted her. I would say this is probably true. The first year after we adopted her, my husband would tell me I was exaggerating about how she would behave with me, as she was an angel anytime he was around. It was not until the fall of 2006 when we hosted our first exchange student that he finally believed me about her behavior and that was only because the exchange student verified the things that were happening when he was not around. Over the years, the behavior has gotten better as she has gotten older, though she really has a horrible relationship with me, and I believe it has been caused by the way my husband has treated me in front of her.

In the spring of 2007, I noticed he was no longer interested in sex. I was spending a lot of time with one of his colleagues, so I asked her if she thought he was having an affair. She said she didn�t think so, she thought he was just super busy with work (they were both partners at the same law firm). I knew his paralegal was someone he used to have a relationship with many years prior, so I was suspicious. So, over the next 6 months, I tried to initiate being intimate every single night (I kept a journal and would write in it every night after being shot down), and was shot down every single night. After 6 months of being shot down and having a daughter who seemed to hate her mom, I was very depressed, and began seeing a psychiatrist for depression. I was placed on Cymbalta, which seemed to be working great. Around the same time, I had my husband go get tested for low testosterone, and sure enough, he did have low testosterone and started injections. The lack of sex continued, even with the testosterone injections, and after 9 months of no sex, in April 2008, I had an affair with another man I had become friends with. I did my best to keep it a secret, but my husband had a private investigator at his law firm, had me followed, snooped in all of my emails, past messages, phone calls. The affair was uncovered, but I continued to try to keep the affair going for another 2 months. We were in marital counseling, trying to follow some book the counselor recommended, but it seemed like it did not even address any of the issues we were having.

Over the 4th of July weekend (2008), I planned a trip to visit my grandfather, whom I had not seen in 17 years, who lived over 12 hours away, and planned to bring my daughter to see him. The night before we were to leave, my husband found the secret cell phone I had from the other man. He allowed me to go on the trip and bring our daughter with me, but once I was in Georgia, he called and was ready to come get her and call it quits. My husband said he would not bounce our daughter back and forth in shared custody, and he would hate for her to lose yet another mother. I knew he did a lot of pro bono adoption work in the family courts in our county, so I know they would probably side with him in any custody dispute, especially if he brought up the affair and had loads of proof. After much soul searching that evening, I decided to cut off all contact with the other man immediately, and to do whatever I could to fix my marriage and keep my child.

I got home, started the Marriage Builders program, and gave it all I had. I thought my husband was reading the books too, but looking back now, I don�t think he really did. The only change I saw in him was he was finally meeting my need for sexual fulfillment. I allowed him to speak to me and treat me however he pleased because I felt like it was my punishment for the affair. We became pregnant with our biological (surprise, you really can get pregnant) child in April 2009, sold our house and moved in June 2009 to another city 5 hours away (husband says it was for quality of life issues, I think it was because he was embarrassed because the other man was an attorney in the same field, and he thought others were judging us based on that), and gave birth to our youngest daughter in November 2009. My husband took a pay cut of 60% to take a job in this new city. He said he was trying to get his foot in the door to ultimately become a judge and needed to take the lower paying job for that reason. I did not get hired as a teacher that first year we were there, being pregnant and then having a newborn, so we supplemented with the proceeds we made on the sale of the house.

Once we had been here a year, I was hired as a teacher again (June 2010), we bought a house, he moved to another state judge position where he made more (still about 30% less than he made before, but we were making it). Over the years, we have hosted more exchange students, I took on a contract position placing and supervising exchange students (January 2010) to supplement our income. He took on a position as president (Spring 2012- started out as VP, but the president resigned suddenly) of the local soccer association where our oldest daughter plays D1 soccer so we could have more control over what goes on with the organization. He says he will be stepping down as president when the term is over in the spring 2014.

Over the next few years, he would be rude, demanding, condescending, insulting, and belittling to me and I would just take it, feeling like it was my punishment for my affair. My mom and best friend spoke to me in private about how it made them feel uncomfortable when he would speak to me like that, but that they didn�t know what kind of agreement we had or what was acceptable in our marriage. They did not want to speak up for me, worried they would either make it worse or he would turn on them. I assured them I would deal with it, and I would bring it up with him, and he would blow it off. My parents began limiting their visits to spend time with us, and would stay at a hotel nearby, saying it gave them somewhere to go where they could escape the hostile atmosphere of my home. Since my parents live 5 hours away, that means I would only see them on major holidays, and sometimes not even then. My brother lives 20-30 minutes away, but even he can�t stand to spend very much time at my house if my husband is around, as my husband will make rude and condescending comments to him as well.

In August 2013, he sent me an email saying he thought we shouldn�t be hosting a student this year (but, she was already here- he should have voiced this opinion weeks prior), and that he thought it was taking away time with our kids and that I should just focus on them and everything would be okay. I emailed him back saying I had missed little to no time with the kids due to exchange student commitments, and if anything, his position as president of the soccer association was taking away time from the kids and me, and if he wanted to fix things, he needed to focus on fixing our relationship, providing me with more affection and attention, treating me with respect, not tell me I needed to spend more time with the kids. He was affectionate for about one week, and then it was back to the same old thing.

Since we have been in the new house, my husband has taken it upon himself to wash any and all laundry that is brought down to the laundry room, using every single laundry basket in the house, but refuses to fold or put away ANY of it. I left for a conference for 3 days, leaving 3 laundry baskets full on the couch, hoping to come home to it gone. Instead I came home to the original 3 untouched laundry baskets, plus 2 more full ones. I have asked repeatedly for assistance in getting the laundry folded, by anyone in the house, but the only two who will try to help fold are the exchange student and the youngest daughter (age 4). So, I would really like some domestic support in the form of folding and putting away clothes.

In September 2013, I was in the kitchen cleaning up one evening, when husband and oldest daughter came home from soccer practice. My husband immediately started chewing me out for not doing something (probably laundry), so I muttered an obscenity under my breath. My oldest daughter, walking by at the time, heard the obscenity, and said, �Language,� in a sing-songy voice.

I said, �Yes, I should not have said it, but that is being disrespectful to me, you are not my parent, you do not get to correct me.�

Oldest daughter then proceeded to start screaming at me, saying I was the disrespectful one, that I shouldn�t have cursed, that I should �just do what Papa says,� and it won�t happen. I then went to my husband who had opened his computer to do whatever 15 feet away from oldest daughter and said, �Are you going to address this with her?�

He then said, �Well you shouldn�t have cursed and it wouldn�t be an issue, would it?� I was livid at this point, thinking not only did he not address the disrespect from the oldest, he then reinforced her disrespect by disciplining me in front of her by telling me she was right.

The second weekend in November 2013, I had a conference in Houston, where the other man now lives and works. My mother was originally supposed to be attending the same state conference (she and I teach the same subject), but she had to cancel due to a court date that was scheduled. When the conference date got 2 weeks away, my husband asked me for details about the conference. I told him I did not know much, that not much had been shared with me. I told him the science department chair was swamped (one of our teachers was fired abruptly, so she had to take over some of his classes), and she hasn�t been really organized about it. I found out where we were supposed to be staying with and let him know. I tried to find out if anyone was taking a school vehicle, but everyone I spoke to was taking their own vehicle so they could go down the night before. I was trying to get a ride with someone the next morning in a school vehicle, but it ended up being one male physics teacher who I did not know well. The entire trip to Houston, he badgered me every 30 minutes asking who I was with, etc. Then the entire time in Houston, he badgered me about every hour to know what I was doing and who I was with. It was really annoying, distracting, and depressing. I had not lied or was sneaky in any way, whatsoever. Saturday evening, a colleague who taught across the hall from me, but now works for a large university, offered to hang out and have drinks with her. He had me check in on our Life360 app every 10-15 minutes while there. The lack of trust while I was there was palpable and disheartening.

There have been multiple instances in the past few months where my husband has spoken to me disrespectfully, but the worst was November 30, 2013. I had an exchange student volunteer activity planned that I was not fully prepared for, but was making the best of the situation. He came outside where we were refinishing a piece of furniture for a needy family, where he proceeded to ask me, �Why aren�t they all working? Get them each something to work on.� I proceeded to get them to all work on something, when 15 minutes later, with them all working feverishly on the project, he came back out and said, �Why are they all doing that. Only one of them needs to be doing that.� I told him to stop, he should go find something else to do. He refused to leave us alone, kept badgering me, so I told the students to stop, we would finish it another time, to go clean up, we would go shopping at the outlet mall (5 minutes from the house). Husband hears this, says, �Don�t spend any money at all.� I wasn�t planning on spending any money, unless I saw something for a Christmas gift for someone, but I definitely wouldn�t after having him say that to me. Several of my students talked to me at the outlet mall, asking why he treated me like that; that it made them really uncomfortable.

I sat most of the time while they shopped for several hours and thought a long time about how I had allowed him to treat me so poorly for so long. I promised myself to work on being more assertive and standing up for myself from now on. I ordered a book on assertiveness to help me on this. Once the students went home the following day, I spoke to my husband about how much that hurt me, and how what he did undermined my position with the students, and it was almost the same as him coming into my classroom at school and belittling me in front of my high school students. He apologized, said he would do better, but less than a week later, he was back to the same disrespectful manners.

He is not a very affectionate husband, though he was when we were dating. I never get hugs, kisses, caresses, unless I specifically ask for them, and even then he always acts very rushed and like he doesn�t have time for it. I have told him this is a major issue/emotional need for me for years now, but he can�t sustain any regular affection for more than a week without some constant reminder.

Since getting the book on assertiveness, I have been speaking up for myself more, but the disrespect has continued. I made him aware of all of my issues, we decided to seek marriage counseling again. He wanted to know before we decided to try counseling again, if we were having issues like we were having before. I said, �I assume you mean, am I having an affair? No, I am not having an affair. I would leave you before doing something like that again.� He asked me if I had the book we used when we did counseling the first time (He was meaning HNHN). I told him I think we loaned it to someone, but I had Lovebusters, and would order another copy of HNHN. I gave him Lovebusters and said he could start with that, and it sat on his nightstand for 2 weeks. Last night he asked what I was reading (HWSW), and I said, �A book.�

He got mad and said, �That is what you always say. Why can�t you just tell me what you are reading?�

I then told him, �I am reading the third book in the series you are supposed to be reading.�

He said, �I read so much at work, I don�t want to read at home, so I will just read them over the holidays.�

I told him, �So, if we brought the girls to the doctor, they were diagnosed with some horrible disease, but we were given books and told to read them to learn how to treat/cure the disease, you would say you don�t want to read it until the holidays where you�ll have more time? Meanwhile, our marriage is dying, taking its last gasps of breath, and you want to wait a week more? I can�t fix it on my own.� He scoffed at me saying our marriage was dying, so I said, �You really don�t realize how bad it has gotten? Read the books, read the Marriage Builders forums, do something�� He did not say anything, just went back to playing on the internet for a few minutes before watching the news and bed. He took HNHN to work with him this morning.

So, what should I do? I have been very close to telling him to �move out, we need to separate,� but I know finances are tight and the area we live in has a very tight and expensive rental market, so he would have trouble finding somewhere to move to. We have another appointment with the marriage counselor on January 2nd. I am at the end of my rope. I read all of HWSW last night, I will reread (for the 3rd or 4th time) Lovebusters and HNHN again this week(end). I am so ready to throw in the towel and call it quits. I feel beat down.

natalunia,

in April 2008, I had an affair with another man I had become friends with. .... The affair was uncovered, but I continued to try to keep the affair going for another 2 months.

This is why you BH does not trust you, he never recovered from your affair. Did you tell him the complete truth about the affair or did you trickle truth him for months or years?

Those two months that you continued to have the affair were the longest two months of your BHs life.

Did you expose your affair to the other mans wife?

What have you done to compensate your BH for your affair.

God Bless
Gamma

Honestly I would say that you two need to recover from your affair. It has not been resolved between you. Your DH does not trust you because you have not been open and honest with him. Now we are not saying that you should be talked nastily to, but your DH needs to regain that trust.

I would suggest making an appointment with Steve Harley here at Marriage Builders. He could walk you through what you need to do and get your DH on board.

You guys can fix this marraige, you just need some help.

The affair started in April 2008, ended July 2008. It was a clean break, with no further contact after the decision was made. I told him the complete truth once it was ended. We started marriage counseling June 2008, but did not start using Marriage Builder principles until July 2008.

I am aware those were the longest and worst months of his life and have been so remorseful for it once the "fog" lifted in July 2008. Since July 2008, I have been doing everything I can to fix it. I have been working MB principles since July 2008.

The other man was not married, so there was no wife or SO to expose to.

The affair was over 5 years ago, I thought since we had gone through counseling, I seemed to regain his trust, we had another child, everything seemed okay, that he was able to heal from the affair. Apparently this is not the case.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, his mom passed away (it was expected after many years of dealing with effects of Alzheimer's and strokes) less than a week before I went to the conference in Houston, so I think maybe that played a part in precipitating the trust issues again, though I am not sure how that would cause that...

Natalunia, welcome back to Marriage Builders. Would it be possible to get you to summarize your situation in 3-4 short paragraphs? I see a lot of superfluous information there and most people don't have the time to wade through all that just to get to the punch line. You would get many more posts if you could do that. Thanks.

natalunia,

The other man was not married, so there was no wife or SO to expose to.

Right, but were his parents, grandparents and etc told, was he a supervisor of yours and was he exposed at work. In short was there a downside for the OM or did he just walk off without a scratch.

Did his previous wife or girlfriends cheat on him?

God Bless
Gamma

Please read and listen to the clips.
What is Just Compensation?

Gamma:

The OM was an attorney in the same town as my husband. Apparently he was exposed in the attorney world of that town and he has since moved on to another town as well due to that. So, yes there was a downside. His reputation in that small town was ruined.

My husband did not have a previous wife. I do not know if previous girlfriends cheated. He has not been very open about his past relationships. I do know he was engaged 10 years before I came along and she committed suicide.

Melodylane: My synopsis: I cheated in 2008 for 3 months. I came clean, everything was exposed, we started MB, after 5 months of weekly counseling decided we were ready to continue MB without counseling, everything seemed fine, other than BH has been increasingly disrespectful to me and has started to not trust me again. I have done nothing to cause him to distrust me, other than become more emotionally withdrawn because of his disrespect. He is very controlling in our home life, and contributes little to domestic support. I get no affection unless I specifically ask him for a hug or kiss. My family and friends no longer want to spend any extra time at our house when he is around. We have started marriage counseling again, I have asked to use MB again, he said he would, then didn't start reading the books again until I shamed him about it yesterday. I am at the end of my rope because of the increasing disrespect and EN not being met.

Thank you!! Ok, in that case, I would dive into Lovebusters and start there - there are lessons at the end of each chapter. Do you have that book?


Why does HE say he doesn't trust you? Do you travel? Does he have have full access to your phone, email, everything? Do you have opposite sex friendships?

I would work hard on PROVING to him that you are being faithful.

For those commenting on the exposure thing, we had exposure with the affair, I did everything he wanted to do, and what MB said to do. There is no affair again, so there is nothing to expose. I will go tell everyone I know in the new city we moved to so that everyone knows now, but I don't see what purpose that would serve... except to make me a pariah in our new community. I do tell the teachers I work with when I feel comfortable telling them so they are aware.

He says the trust issue happened because his mom died less than a week before I left for the conference. He can't think of another reason why.

I do not travel. I go to weekend conferences about 2 times a year. I have gone to Chicago, San Francisco, with no issues in the past 2 years. He has full access to everything. I do not have opposite sex friendships, but I work with some male teachers. I have been very open about all of that.

I would love to work on proving him I am being faithful, but I am beat down with the disrespect that is going on daily. It is emotional abuse. I am walking on egg shells, trying not to upset him. I am a very stoic person, and I am putting on a strong front, but it is cracking under the pressure.

We have Lovebusters. I have read it. He started on it today.

I agree, of course. It would be ridiculous to drag out a long dead affair.


I would work real hard to assure him so he is not worried. Ask him what you can do to reassure him.


Can he go with you next time?


Ok, good. If he doesn't stop it, I would consider separation. You are not obliged to ever tolerate his abuse!

When did you read it? Today? You guys need to be reading each chapter together [one at time if you have one book] and doing the lessons at the end of each chapter together.

Is he an alcoholic?

I read it 5 years ago. I think I reread it this summer. I will download a Kindle version for me. He has the book version and doesn't share books well.

He could attend the conferences, but childcare is an issue, especially since my parents live 5 hours away and we have no close friends other than my best friend who is extremely busy due to her law practice. Plus, he would have to pay for the hotel room (the school was paying for me to room with another teacher). There was nothing for spouses to do during the conference, so not sure what he would have done, and it was $115 to attend. So, unless we paid for a babysitter to watch the girls for 3 days, it wouldn't happen. Finances are very tight at our house.

I wouldn't call him an alcoholic, but he has 1-3 glasses of bourbon and Diet Coke nearly every night. He says it is because of his back pain from some bulging disks.

That is a good idea. The book was revised 4 <?> years ago so downloading it on kindle would be a good idea. You will want to go through the lessons together and implement these concepts.


That is usually how alcoholics drink. Will he stop drinking? He can get steroid shots and take ibuprofen for his back pain like most people.

Okay, an update... I downloaded Lovebusters on my Kindle, finished reading it last night. Starting HNHN again tonight. Husband said he would read LB & HNHN over the holidays, but has not picked up either since 12/21. He went off on ODD this evening about something trivial, got her very upset and angry, and after she calmed down and he was still chewing her out, I had to step in and stand up for her. I told him his angry outbursts had the whole household walking on eggshells, wondering which husband/dad we would get next. He got very offended, wanted to leave, I talked him out of that, pointed out he said he would read the books, but has not touched them, and I can not fix our marriage alone.

Then I went to apologize about an hour later (after he had cooled down from his AO) in case I was too harsh with him (I don't think I was, I kept my calm, but I have been generally extremely submissive and I think he was in shock that I stood up to him), and noticed he had been looking for apartments in our town. I pointed at it and said, "seriously?" He came to me a few minutes later and said, "Bad news is, I can't afford to move out. Good news is, I guess that means I have to work on it."

What should I make of this?

You were suspicious of him having an affair yourself weren't you?

Did you ever fully investigate those suspicions? How?

He does seem checked out for some reason. You need to find out why. Either it will be a straightforward reason that he will no problem discussing with you, or it will be a secret reason you will have to snoop for.

It could be the drinking. He can drink more if you are not around.