No I don't have a good option for an IM. I'm doing good keeping things to txts about kid schedules though.

Christmas is going to be a challenge, I'll be alone for christmas eve and morning for the first time. I'm not being a victim, just predicting that's going to not be much fun. Trying to come up with some ideas of what to do with myself.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this, Normalguy.

Plan B is the way to go.

Have you ever confronted the other man? Even though its over, I would still do it. I'm stopping short of telling you to do what I would do in the confrontation because your kids need you and you don't want to get sued or get arrested....but I would at least say something to him and be clear that he's not getting off without conflict. Call me old fashioned but I believe that any contact you have with this POS should be unfriendly and hostile.

You should also be very clear with your wife that you will never be friends. And its ok to tell your children the truth about the affair if they don't already know. I would encourage them not to get close to the POSOM. Be clear that he is the enemy of your family.

It may sound as though I am not a peace-maker. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Actions should flow from love, not hate. But don't confuse that with enabling the evil that led to the break up of your family.

You will recover over time and your hurt will transform to happiness as you make your way through this. At that time, it will be your ex-wife who is the one hurting. She has soiled her soul and there is never a way around that. You, on the other hand, will bounce back from this and find a healthy, happy new relationship.

In the meantime, it sounds like you are doing a great job with your children.

Best wishes, and Merry Christmas.

About 9 months ago when she was still at home and they were cheating I started down that road. I even went to his house one night banged on his door and we ended up sending some txts back and forth. Sometimes I feel ashamed that I backed down from that but it honestly scared me. Sometimes I feel like a wimp because of it. I felt such powerful emotions that night I don't know what I was really going to do if he had come out. What was I thinking. That was a major turning point in my life. Soon after, I realized that had to go another direction.

Looking over my marriage and even back into our dating days, this is a pattern that repeated over and over. Her boundaries were terrible but I was to naieve to understand/realize/beleive it. I am not saying that I don't have faults. I've learned a lot and am still trying to figure out my part of this.

I've been seeing a counselor who has also talked to some of the kids. I've actually talked to 5 different counselors this year and all of them say to try not to increase the stress on the kids so I don't "campaign" against this person to them. I really do not like that this person is being integrated into the kids lives but its not something I can control. They are steadily doing better and things feel really good when they are here. I'm enjoying the Mr. Mom stuff. I feel incredibly blessed to have them and they are my priority.

Sometimes I do feel lonely and hope to some-day find a new relationship that would fit into this equation. I have never been very good at meeting new people and making new friends but I'm improving there too :-)

I don't know the specifics of what your counselors said. But here is my take.

They are right that you should not put your children in the middle of this. They should be shielded from the hurt as much as possible.

However, your children should be aware that their mother's decision to have an affair and leave the family are selfish and immoral, and that she, not you, is to blame for the destruction of the family. They should know that the other man plays an equal part in that. None of this should be drilled into them over and over. As long as you have already made this clear with them once, you have done your part. However, if the issues come up, you should be consistent with the message. Society tends to whitewash infidelity and that kind of moral confusion is not good for your children.

I would not berate the children's mom in front of them. When you berate the mom, you are berating them. But again, I also would not whitewash her infidelity. Attack the actions not the person.

As far as the POSOM goes, disregard the counselors. You have zero obligation to be civil with him or to speak civilly about him. He is an enemy to your family and to your children. I would be very clear about this with the kids. It would be better for the mental health of you and the kids that he not be mentioned at all. But if he does come up, I would never say a kind word about him.

They know and I don't berate their mom. I take the approach of not mentioning him or her at all.