I get it. Moving will help me and the triggers, but I cannot just pack up a truck and move out of state. I have to get joint agreement and a new job.

The issue that concerns me is her unwillingness to consider my feelings first. Let me share another example.

The way I feel is that if I would have committed adultery and my wife was willing to work on recovery I would have taken the "buy her flowers every day - for the rest of our lives approach". I would have done whatever it took to make it up to her.

Now one of the biggest sticking points since D day, besides moving out of state, has been a close family friend who works at the company my wife used to work for. This family friend was used several times by my wife in an effort to further contact with OG after I found out. Let's just say she is a major trigger for me.

I have asked that she not have contact with this person. She reluctantly agreed and it is a major sobbing point every time her name is mentioned. I simply cannot understand why my wife cannot get the fact that if we are to recover from this tragedy she will have to give up this previous friendship. All I get is that I don't have any friends, I cannot do anything without feeling that you are looking over my shoulder...

Why is it so hard to put me first? Why can't my wife realize what it will take to recover from adultery and just do it instead of resisting, fighting back all the time?

I know this is harder because I don't feel any responsibility for the affair. None - zero. That was another mini-realization this week. I finally figures out why. It was because for years every time that I would travel for work she would lay a huge guilt trip on me about being faithful to her. She made it abundantly clear that I was to be faithful, and I was. Enter the double standard and me feeling double betrayed.

How's that?

In general I think you're going about this wrong. You need to not judge her for thinking of herself. Otherwise you'll be making love bank withdrawals all the time and will never be able to motivate her.

Marriage Builders is about satisfying both your and your spouse's Giver and Taker. So she's perfectly right to think and talk about how it will impact her. That information helps you come up with a plan to make sure everything is a positive experience for her, or as much of a positive experience as possible.

In general a man will not get anywhere happy by demanding recovery efforts from his wife. You need to stick to making your respectful complaints. Put it this way: "I can't be happy as long as we live here because it is a constant reminder of the pain of the past." And then stick to it like a broken record. If she offers comments on the drawbacks she sees to moving - listen and consider those, and repeat your perspective. You need to draw her in to considering your perspective, and you do not do that by discounting hers.

FWIW, I strongly agree with Dr. Harley that you are going to have to move.

By discounting her perspective.

Do you have the book Love Busters?

And by judging her motivations, intentions or reactions.
Disrespect does not motivate anybody, and the more disrespect you show her, the less motivated she will be.

THG, I understand to some extent because Prisca was exactly the same way.

The truth is that in marriage we don't put each other "first," at least not in the sense of putting each other before ourself. The only way we can make it work is by treating each partner equally.

Past things we have done that hurt each other are not overcome by the offender putting him or herself last. That is a form of punishment, and punishment will never recover a marriage.

Your wife will probably continue to be this way until she falls in love with you again. Prisca acted very similarly.

By all rights, yes, because she had an affair she should be doing whatever it takes to recover the marriage. However, that doesn't seem to be sufficient motivation for your wife. That form of motivation will probably only come when you have made enough love bank deposits to change her feelings about you.

In the meantime, discounting her perspective when she talks about the drawbacks she sees in following the recover plan will only make the situation worse, because it is a love bank withdrawal and will cause her to be further de-motivated.

How do I better respond to her perspective:

1. I don't want to move
2. I am unhappy that I cannot communicate with my long-time friend

- when it interferes with our recovery efforts?

I understand this must be very frustrating.
Dr Harley regularly says on his Radio Show that most wayward wives do NOT show remorse! IN fact, most blame their husbands for the affair!
In his book Surviving an Affair, Sue blames Jon for her affair with Greg...

Dr Harley addresses this by creating as much romantic love as possible, by making massive love bank deposits after the affair has permanently ended through spending 20+ hours a week of Undivided Attention time together.

Eventually, Dr Harley says the wayward wife will feel remorse for her actions.

You AREN'T responsible for her affair.

When John McCain returned to his former prison in Vietnam a few years ago, it made headlines...because he was trying to heal from his wounds...

Do you think he would have healed if he had to drive by the prison every day for the past 30 years?

Get rid of these triggers. For the sake of your own health, if she refuses to move i would seriously consider separation.
You are living in your own prison sir.

So I have to identify my list of respectful complaints and communicate them, not my need to be treated better than she does today.

She has already told me that she will be filled with resentment if we move. How do you get mutual agreement to move when she has already told you the outcome?

In negotiations, Dr Harley encourages spouses to try to understand the others point of view.
The problem is that she either doesnt understand the incredible about of pain she has caused or, or doesnt care enough about you to be willing to move so you feel better

For 1, I would tell her you understand but that you can never be happy where you are living now.

For 2, I would tell her you are sorry that she can't communicate with her friend but that you will never be able to heal if she continues to do so, that every contact she has with her friend is offensive and hurtful to you.

That is the whole point of respect. You don't tell your spouse how wrong they are to treat you the way you do, or how badly they are treating you. You simply communicate to them your feelings: "It's hurtful when you do this." "I can't be happy living like this," etc.

The point is not to educate your spouse about how thoughtless they are being. You cannot educate your spouse. It's a love buster and she will tune it out. What you CAN do is inform her about the effect her actions have on your feelings. So you don't brand it "wrong" and you don't say "I need to be treated better," you communicate specifically about what more you need without a value judgment, and you let her know what specific things she does that hurt you.

If you hold onto a need to tell her how wrong she is and she ought to be doing more for you because she has hurt you, you are not going to make it. That will not be enough to motivate her to recover your marriage. It's already been demonstrated that she will not be motivated that way.


Keep the fact that you are resentful about the status quo on the front burner. Bring it up respectfully every day: "I'm not happy here. I can't heal here."

You need to minimize the drama in what you are saying to her. Your message simply needs to be factual information about your needs and your feelings. All of the "how could you treat me this way?" part of the message needs to be eliminated.

BTW, I would definitely email back to Dr. Harley and let him know that your wife is balking at moving.

And follow his advice to the letter.

Are you taking your wife out on dates?

I emailed Dr Harley this morning and asked that he meet with us. Here is his response.

As I understand your situation, my advice was to move to avoid triggers, and your wife is unwilling to do that. Granted, a move might not solve the problem, but it has solved it for many couples that have found themselves in your situation. An affair is one of life�s greatest traumas to the betrayed spouse, and it�s not unusual for someone like yourself to feel the way you do. Recovery usually requires the unfaithful spouse to take extraordinary precautions to avoid another affair and to ease the triggers that bombard the betrayed spouse, even if it means moving. In many cases, when the unfaithful spouse is unwilling to do that, the marriage does not recover. I don�t know what I could say or do that would help that has not already been said.

Wife's email to Dr Harley:

My husband and I listened to the radio broadcast Monday evening after I got home from work. I was not surprised, yet very disappointed that the first thing Dr. Harley suggested is that we move. I'm extremely reluctant to move away from our kids, parents and family. I understand moving would eliminate the triggers directly related to the affair but I have to believe moving away is not the only answer. I hope there is a way to overcome the triggers so they are no longer a problem. If we don't deal with them here we are just running away and there will be other triggers/reminders wherever we go. I wonder if Dr. Harley has any suggestions as to how to do this. Steve has told us that by not relocating recovery will be harder and take longer but it is possible. I want so badly for my husband to be happy and I will do what I have to but moving... well I just can't imagine.

I woke up Tuesday morning, made some coffee and went straight to the computer and on to the Marriage Builders website. I reviewed the 10 Basic Concepts, made notes and then discussed them with my husband over the next 2 hours. We both realize that we need to go back to the basics. One of our biggest mistakes is continued talk about the affair. We will focus on NOW, Love Banks, Undivided Attention, which we are doing a great job at already, and the Policy of Joint Agreement.



Dr Harley's response:

I used to feel the same way you do about triggers, that it�s best to face them head on and overcome them. But having seen so many cases like those of your husband, I started to encourage couples to move away from them. From the first case on, the results were amazing. I received almost unanimous agreement that it turned out to be the answer, even from the unfaithful spouse who greatly resisted the move. Since you have done everything but move, and moving has proven to be so successful for so many that can�t seem to shake memories of the affair, it seems to be a worthy solution. One case I often reference is a couple who moved after the wife had an affair with a co-worker. Their marriage thrived to such an extent that they felt safe in moving back to their hometown so they could be closer to family and friends. But as soon as they returned, the husbands resentment about the affair spiked, and their relationship was on the rocks when I saw them last. I had encouraged them to move away again, but the husband refused while the wife was willing.

There�s not much downside to a move for both of you, compared to others I�ve counseled who have children in school and careers that are highly connected to the city where they live (like farmers who farm 4th generation farmland). So I can�t see how it would hurt to make the move and see if it helps.