One year ago, my family moved to an area that is a prime retirement destination. Being recently retired myself, I find myself simultaneously dealing with being surrounded by people that need help when I actually have time that I could use to help them. Before being educated on MB principles, I probably would have jumped right in with no concern that I might damage my marriage. After all, I have never had an affair. I must be immune. Right? Since we have adopted the MB principles, I am more cautious.

Yesterday, my wife and I went out distributing Christmas cookies to some of our neighbors. The neighbors that live closest to us, we have never actually met. They are a couple who are a little older than us and have moved here a year before us. The wife answered the door, and after inviting us in, tells us that her husband just passed away a couple of weeks ago, and she is now living alone. We visited for a little while. My wife tells her "You should call us if you need any help. Mr E can fix anything". While that is actually true, I see this as a situation fraught with danger. The last thing I should do is cause a grieving lady to develop any sort of attachment to me.

For now, the obvious solution would seem to be that whenever we help, we do so as a couple. I would like any advice others would want to offer me. Right at this moment, I just feel really bad for the lady.

In my years on this board I have seen about 10 affairs start just this way. The husband feels sorry for a recently widowed woman and he goes to her house to help her. He starts meeting her needs for domestic support and conversation and as time goes on, she relies more and more on him. This situation is usually very appealing to him because the widow is so grateful and gives him enormous admiration. You see where this is going?

And you may not even feel an attraction to her now, but attractions can and do develop in situations like this.

Like Harley says, as soon as one need is met outside of marriage, the others are soon to follow.

What if you got the name and # of a handyman and gave that to her when she calls for help? Just let her know that while your wife brags on you, you aren't experienced in XYZ. [whatever she is asking]

What MelodyLane said.

I try and try to tell people this!!

If possible, I would like to avoid lying. I am a really bad liar, so it is best if I can figure out honest excuses. I'd rather just say that I don't like to mess with other people's houses because it can turn out really badly sometimes.

I have had other situations like this one since I moved here. I got a call from our church's office a couple of months ago asking me if I would take a recently widowed lady to an emergency medical appointment. While I was unsuccessful at dodging that one, I have been determined not to have it happen again. There is a culture around here that ignores the risk inherent in the unintentional meeting of emotional needs. I am struggling with how to deal with this without being a jerk in the process.

Hopefully your wife has learned to avoid offering your services?

And no, I am not suggesting you lie, but that you find an excuse to avoid helping, whatever that might be.

Why not have your wife with you at all times when you help? Why not POJA solutions on helping others but also protecting your marriage with your wife?

I run my potential benevolent ideas through Prisca first, we pick the ones we are both enthusiastic about, and if it's a woman I let her do the talking/writing, etc.

That probably doesn't add to what you already do, but I thought I'd throw it out there.

In the "give someone a ride" scenario, I'm afraid I'd probably be stuck saying "I'm sorry - I just can't" with no other explanation given.

That is definitely something I would discuss with her, being careful to avoid criticism. Just "I'm not comfortable helping a woman alone like that" is probably sufficient.

So agree. She just doesn't understand the minefield of a husband helping a damsel in distress. It is fraught with peril despite the best intentions!

I think we both understand. The circumstances sort of ambushed us. After all, we were just passing out Christmas cookies to the neighbors. We had no idea that we were stepping into a situation like that.

This is how the A with a widow in my marriage started exactly. She was a childhood friend he had thought unattractive and not had the slightest interest in previously but the set up is perfect. DS and admiration in equal measure.

Good job being cautious Mr E.

You guys did well - it's hard to anticipate everything.

This is a great thread, btw - a good warning to people, and a good chance for them to think this kind of thing out ahead of time.

Harleys classic case, Jon and Sue, is about Sue's affair with Greg whom she met innocently enough on a community board