About 2 months ago, I arrived home after one of my children's activities to have my husband tell me he doesn't love me anymore and he doesn't know that he wants to work on it. After a month and a half of coexisting and him refusing any efforts by me to make changes in our relationship, I discovered proof of an affair between my husband and a mutual friend that he had developed a close "friendship" with. Once being confronted with texts and some sordid pictures and videos she had sent him, he left and moved into a hotel. That was 2 weeks ago. We have very little contact. I have no idea whether or not he is still carrying on with the other woman. BTW...she is married and a mother of 5. He is telling people we are having problems and are currently separated.

Background...this is a second marriage. We have been married 6 1/2 years. We do not have any children together, but I have 3 (ages 15,13 and 10) and he has 2 (ages 16 and 12). When we first met and dated and into our first few years of marriage, his faith was very important to him. I have noticed that he doesn't participate in our faith life at all anymore. My kids and I still attend church, but he only comes on holidays.

I am not claiming to be perfect in this. Blended families are hard. I am guilty of getting too involved in kids' activities and I acknowledge I didn't always give him the quality time he deserved. I tried to talk with him about this in the past and he simply said we were going through a stage, due to our kids' ages, that kept us busy. He didn't feel it was a problem.

Sorry to be so long winded. I wanted to give as much background as possible. I am struggling to figure out how to help change his heart (with God's help) when he isn't living at home anymore. He hasn't moved his things out and doesn't really mention anything. Needless to say, this Christmas has been less than cheerful...

Any advice?

Hi mahlost, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. The most effective thing you can do to save your marriage is kill the affair. The most powerful weapon you have against the affair is exposure. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing them is ruinous. In some cases, the affairs are killed the day they are exposed. With others, it hastens their death.

Please go read the exposure thread in my signature along with the "start here first" thread on this forum. Then come back and we can help you with a strategy.

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Have you read this?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Your busy lives did not cause your husband to have an affair. His poor boundaries caused the affair. Once the affair is DEAD, then you can worry about scheduling time to make each other first.

A widespread exposure is your greatest tool to kill the affair.

Do you know how long this has been going on?

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. If you will spend some time reading the links at the top and also reading other poster's stories, you will see that many many here have survived!

I have read quite a bit on the site. I have tried repeatedly to contact the other woman's husband. She has intercepted ever attempt. Hard part for me is he works out of town Monday through Friday. That has made it easier for them. I have told his family, but they don't want to confront him about it.

One other problem is that I suspect that there may be one or two other women involved as well.

I am seeing a good Christian counselor who referred me to this site. I am just so sad and lost. I do not want my children to go through another divorce.

Oh...and best I can tell, this has been going on since this past summer. This was one of those situations where an opposite sex friendship went too far.

I would find another way to find him. Do you know where they live? Can you go there? Which family members don't want to tell him? What about his mother?


And have you exposed the affair to the OW's facebook friends? What about your husbands family and friends? Have you told everyone the truth using the tactics outlined in my exposure thread?


You have a chance if you can follow these steps. Good for your counselor to send you here! Did you read my exposure thread?

Yes. I have read the exposure thread. There are a few people I could possibly contact. I don't know how influential they will be. I took a break for Christmas from tracking the husband down, but tomorrow my efforts will resume. I know she and my husband are counting on my quiet nature and soft side to keep it under wraps. While I know their actions have caused the problem, I hate to think that her kids will possibly be hurt by my exposure.

Her kids will probably benefit from the exposure because their father is probably being unfairly blamed.

The children are hurt by keeping the affair a secret. Their father can't possibly protect them from your husband if he doesn't know the truth. As long as the OW's husband doesn't know, the OW and your husband are free to destroy their family.

I would go through my exposure thread again and plan a nuclear exposure to as many people as possible. Expose to all of your husbands family and friends.

You have contacted the OWs husband's family? How well do you know them? Well enough to ask for his cell phone number or the name of the company that he works for? If you can contact him through his cell or company, she would have less chance of intervening, correct?

At the same time or in the past? Once I did a widespread exposure, I was AMAZED at how many folks took their time to support me. The people whom I least expected seemed to be the ones who took the most time to provide ongoing help.Her kids will be helped by the exposure! Just as in your own family, the BEST chance of reconciling the M is by first killing the A, the same holds true for her family.

Follow what MelodyLane has suggested�a nuclear exposure all at once to people on BOTH sides (his and hers) will have give your M the best chance. Take your time (not too long�I'm talking hours today to do the research and prepare) and plan it out ahead of time so that once you start exposure, you can move straight down the line of names.

I also would strongly suggest that you aim for the OW husband FIRST! He needs to know for his own well-being, but also he may be able to help you with more info.