Good afternoon, I hope you understand my English. I met my husband 28 years ago when we both were 17 years and for a year we were best friends. In '86 we became lovers, engaged in '90 and '91 we got married. In '94 our first child was born, in '95 the second. I dedicated my life to him and our two sons. Problems? Common to all families with two teenagers, but never marital/sexual problems. My husband never had a relationship with another girl/woman before me. I did have two boyfriends before, but just hold hands and a few kisses. So, I was the first in all senses and vice versa. I knew my husband always wondered why he did not met other girls or why he did not had other girlfriends before me? In April �13 I realized that my husband was acting rare: Extremely affectionate, every week he wanted to give me gifts, but he also received calls and he start to go to the porch to answered, and every time he used his laptop and I approached he closed it. On July 3, I could check his e- mails and wham! I found e-mails from "other woman" calling him "my love" and asking him what was wrong, why he was so quiet at job, she dedicating him songs, poems, etc. Well at that time we talked, we cried , he apologized , he told me that "relationship" (three months) had no value to him, he only wanted to know if he could be attractive to another woman, he wants to know how flirting it feels, he wants to know if he still attractive to another person. He had sexual relation with this woman three times. At that moment he called this woman (she is married ) and told her it was over, that she knew he loved me, and he did not want to hurt me anymore. Until now I try it but I can not forgive him. I think my healthy is broken, I will turn crazy. I need help. Thank in advance.

Hi Pepita, welcome to Marriage Builders. You did a very good explaining your situation and I thank you for that.

Please go and read through the links in the first thread on this forum: "read here first" so you can understand next steps.

Does your husband still work with this woman? Have you informed the woman's husband of this affair?

I'm sorry for the reasons that brought you to MarriageBuilders.

Where did your H meet this OW? Did they meet at work, through FB?

The first thing you will need to do is to expose your H's affair to your family and friends and to the betrayed husband of the OW. Your children will need to know as well. This will create accountability for your H and will also gain you much-needed support during what is likely to be of the most painful experiences of your life.

Were you listening in on his conversation with the OW when he said the A was over? If not, I would insist on a letter of No Contact created from a template on this website.

Your H needs to change all his contact info to make it impossible for the OW to contact him again.

He will need to create Extraordinary Precautions to prevent another affair from happening. You should both follow EPs for the remainder of your marriage. He should drop the very bad habit of flirting with members of the opposite. No female friends.

The next step will be to create a marriage that is better than the one you had before. You can get it started but it will take both spouses fully onboard to make the marriage romantic, passionate, and safe.

Did you read through all the threads at the top of this forum?

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Have you read through this?
Surviving an Affair-Start Here First

Thank you for your response.

@ MelodyLane: Yes, her husband know it, and was him who asked me let her wife continue working at the company. But, he doesn't know about the three sexual encounter. So, for him she still having virtues. She has two daughters and swear for them nothing happened, but my husband told me the true. I think I'm not the one who should tell the truth to her husband.

@ LongWayFromHome: They meet at work. Our sons already know it. My husband had a long conversation with them, was terrible because they are 18 and 19. After that conversation my sons told me that my husband love me and he doesn't will do it again because he realized how painful was this for me, he regrets his behavior. He still have conversation with her at work: very professional and the less possible, according to him. My husband contacted a counselor to help us and he also spoke with our priest (that was a surprise because before he doesn't like to go to church, but now he want to go every Sunday). I know is over but it is very hard for me forgive him and forget everything. The counselor told us: keep this situation between us, no more people must know it.

@ BrianHurts: I will read your recommendations.

Again, thank you.

Pepita, that is where you should start. Get ahold of the OW's husband and tell him the full truth. I would do this tomorrow without letting your husband know in advance. Don't help your husband lie to the OW's husband. The only reason he wants to do this is so he can continue his affair.

The OW should not ever see your husband again so one of them will have to leave that job. Your marriage cannot recover until they end all contact for life.

The affair should be exposed to the rest of your family and to his workplace. That is the best thing for you all. Helping your husband and his girlfriend keep this dirty secret only helps the affair thrive and grow.

Pepita, Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist and the founder of Marriage Builders. Here are his views on exposure:

here


Additionally, he would tell you that recovery is impossible as long as they work together. This is hopeless unless one of them leaves the job.

It's a shame your priest is giving you such bad advice. I'm sure it's well-meaning, but most counselors have no idea how to deal with adultery and affairs. Dr. Harley is an expert in the field and has helped many of the people on this board recover from affairs.

I hope you take the great advice you are receiving.

One of them will have to leave the job. Continuing to work together will make it impossible for your marriage to recover. Your H will be constantly triggered by being in contact with his affair partner. Every time he goes to work, you will wonder if he is seeing her and what they are doing. Continuing to see her in any capacity is a terrible offense to you, the betrayed spouse.