I will try to put a long story into a quick summary to get to my question. Please give me your advice as to the best option. Also I have read His needs/Her needs and read many of the postings/principals on this website multiple times over the years. I have found the advice to be very help btw.

My wife and I work together and about a year ago, I discovered my wife was having an affair with a--how should I say, employee of a vendor that has close ties to our company. I confronted her with it and she moved out within a week, even though I had confronted the OM. OM is 43, has a wife and two kids and lives in his mom's house. She was adamant to move out citing that she was tired of our problems and trying to work on them. I was not na�ve and figured the affair would still go on. About a month later after snooping, I discovered that they had taken a break from one another, but I caught them enroute to see each other for the first time since the initial discovery. I contacted OM and made the mistake of being honorable in believing it was mostly her fault vs. his. He at first denied their meeting, but then admitted it after I read him his text verbatim. I got him to agree that that I would expose the affair to his wife if he had no further contact with my wife. Dumb on my behalf.

Over the last year, my wife and I have been seeing each other off and on. She would come and stay at our house for a couple of days and then more or less get mad about some minor infraction and leave without contact for a week or two. She was reluctant to come home citing her problems with me and our relationship. I took stock of the problems, did a lot of reflection. During our times of meeting one another I worked on the things that bothered her. I worked on myself outside of her as well.

Just when I thought she would never come home. She did. She told me that she wanted to work on the relationship. I see now that there should have been a clear Joint Agreement between us before I allowed her to move back. She moved back in for 10 weeks. With one exception, all went well for the first 9 weeks. That exception is that she continued to drink the whole time. This has become a big problem I feel because she has chronic depression and likely some other mental disorder, would be my guess. She is often withdrawn and has mood swings. On week 10 the cracks started to show and without warning and over no provocation, she suddenly moved out of the house citing it was a mistake and wanted a divorce ASAP.

She gave me many excuses that made no sense as to her sudden departure. I knew her behavior was in line with her actions last year when I discovered the affair. After further research I have definitive knowledge that she was seeing the OM off and on through the entire last year (makes sense). Also I'm pretty sure she had little if no contact during the first 9 weeks she moved back in and then got in contact with OM just days before moving out again. It really is like crack isn't it? I confronted her with the fact that she had lied about her whereabouts just days before leaving, but she held true with the lie. This time I did not hold back. I caught them together at their normal meeting spot and video taped it. It was somewhat confrontational, but nothing violent or illegal. She was pissed she got caught and OM was a coward walked away. I have since sent exposure Facebook messages to his immediate family and have had a response from both his wife thanking me for notifying her and sister inquiring about more info. The OM wife has been in contact with my wife. I have let my wife's family know as well as our employer HR department. Also my wife moved in with a husband and wife that are friends of ours. I let him know about the affair. He had no ideal why she left our house and said he only wanted her staying temporarily anyway, but now he is going to have her leave.

I had to see my wife in order to do business today, first time since the exposure of the last couple of days. It was just like the exposure guide said, she was livid. Until today, she was still so sweet every time I spoke with or saw her. But her claws were out today and she acted as if she hated me which she never has before. She even deleted me as a FB friend.

So after no further adieu, here's my questions. How long should I expect her to be in super angry women mode? I believe that this will/has had a significant affect (if only I had done it earlier). From what I know this will hamper their ability to see each other, at least for a good while. Especially with the job involved! Also when/if she is willing to talk to me, do I start with Plan A over again. Or is it time for B?

Lastly, I believe that their affair is more of an emotional affair than physical based on most of their encounters being at a public site (gym). I think this was the only time he could explained away his absence from his family. However, my thought is anyone seeing each other that long and often has had to have sex as well. Her mind is obviously in Fantasy mode because even if I weren't in the picture, its pretty likely their relationship wouldn't work. He is not likely to leave his wife and kids, have to pay alimony and child support. Plus, he's a loser living with his mom at 43. His family is close knit and I would imagine that they would never except her for breaking up his family. Eventually, I believe she would of come to terms that she walked away from everything, as she has indicated she'd like to do. She likely was getting attention that she felt like she wasn't getting from me.

Please give me incite!!

BMT, you wrote about an affair when you first came here in 2005:

Is the involvement today with the same man?

What happened in between 2005 and today with your relationship and the affairs? Did she ever move back home and act faithfully?

You were not married in 2005. Did you ever get married?

Thanks for replying SC. Yes after affair in 2005, we reunited, went to counseling for a year, our relationship got stronger and we got married. During counseling our therapist who was a recovered alcoholic, saw abuse problems in her and recommended she stop drinking. She went to AA and got sober for 3 years.

In 2008 we moved out of the state we were in at the time. By 2009 alcohol slowly started to creep back into her life. Started out as 1 drink once or twice a week, progressing to 6-7 drinks a day in 2012 and still to this day. Contributing factors to my wife's problems is she has a 19 year old daughter from a young/1st marriage that she has continuously had custody problems with her ex over (she always lived with the father). For the last 18 months her daughter has cut off contact and will not respond to my wife's entire side of the family including me. It dominates my wife's life. So my wife has chronic depression and takes anti-depressants (off and on), drinks alcohol which is a depressant, and negates the medication. I'm am really starting to believe she has a mental disorder of some type. Through my own discoveries (no official diagnosis) I think she my have borderline personality disorder.

Obviously the elephant in the room is the alcoholism and mental health issues have to be addressed in order for us to be able resolve our problems. My wife left citing that she couldn't take the way that I talked to her, the lack of affection and romance. I admit to this, and have worked hard to change my part. I also believe BPD makes her hyper-sensitive to any perceived negative comments I say to her. Also she wanted to have a baby but things just didn't work out that way. I'm 41 and she is 38, so the window is closing fast.

To my knowledge my wife has been a faithful wife until the last year approximately. I've never suspected anything. I'm pretty exhausted from the last two years. I'm not even sure if I will be able to forgive her this time. But she has been my best friend for the last 14 years, she has no family/support here, so I feel its my duty to get her help and maybe this will bring clarity to our relationship. However any hope of this is contingent upon the affair ending because her head is up her orifice and she seems to be some what disconnected from reality.

Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks

Hi Brokenman, welcome back to Marriage Builders. The biggest problem in your situation is your wife's alcoholism. Alcoholism mimics many mental illnesses, so until that is addressed and resolved, there is not much you can do, other than protect yourself. Dr. Harley would recommend Plan B with an alcoholic because Plan A only serves to enable them. It is impossible to meet the needs of an alcoholic.

I hope you understand it would be a disaster to have a baby, right?

Here are some articles that address your situation:

What to Do with an Alcoholic Spouse

What Are Plan A and Plan B?

Thanks for your quick response Melody. Oh yes I do understand that having a baby would be a disaster and I'm not even entertaining that at this time. For the most part I have given my wife everything she has ever asked for, but she never remains happy for long. I recently told her that she will never be happy if she continues to look for external happiness, until she is happy internally with herself.

I have a question regarding the plans. Going to Plan B make sense to me as well, with one concern. In Dr. Harley's Plan A/B article, he says, "So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A." I feel like the last year before and after my wife had moved back in (before moving out again) that I was completely in Plan A mode. I worked on myself, minimized angry outbursts, made the relationship seem very attractive. I believe that is why my wife came back. However, our last two encounters have been negative. The first when I caught her with the OM and the second was yesterday when I had to meet her at a store to transfer a bill to her. I said a couple of things regarding the exposure of the affair that I probably should not have. Moving to Plan B, would I be leaving her with a negative reminder of our relationship or is this an expected part of the exposure?

You can convey that positive reminder by sending her a warm Plan B letter cutting off all contact. In that letter, I would tell her that in order for you to consider reconciliation she would have to stop drinking in addition to ending all contact with her OM. Plan A is not helpful with alcoholics because it is impossible to meet their needs. They tend to enjoy Plan A because it is an opportunity to exploit their spouse. They are just a bottomless pit that does not possess normal emotional reactions.

Your Plan A just made it easier for her to use you as a flop house. She didn't come back because she was interested in your marriage.

Hi Broken,
I'm sorry for your heartache.

Listen to Melody Lane and read the link she dropped. To put it another way, your wife faces two addictions: alcoholism and her affair. The first addiction that must be dealt with is alcoholism. Until she is in rehab and has been sober a long period of time, you are unsafe and marital recovery cannot begin.

I would send her a letter telling her that she is not welcomed in the house until she deals with her alcoholism by returning to AA.

If she does go back to into rehab and sticks with it, then you can work on the other problem: the affair. Because she is a serial cheater, so you are facing a difficult challenge.

Have you been to an Alanon meeting?

What is the relationship with her daughter like?
Why didn't she have custody?

Thanks for your response Jedi Knight. No I haven't been to an Alanon meeting. Even though I have considered it before.

May the force be with me! I need it.

A year after she gave birth to her daughter, she left the relationship with her first husband citing that she wasn't happy in the marriage. She didn't think they were ever compatible. According to her, she got into an abusive relationship and she decided to move from Michigan to Colorado where she ultimately met me. When she moved she was in another relationship and stated that it was an abusive relationship. Her ex-husband was re-married and my wife thought that it was best to leave her daughter in a stable relationship with him vs. bringing her daughter along in the abuse relationship. This was a dumb decision that she has paid for until this day. Once her ex was set as the primary custodial parent, it was next to impossible to reverse.

I can say although my wife as many flaws, she really is a great mother to her daughter despite her initial mistake of leaving her with the ex. She made sure to fly her daughter out on all scheduled visitations (four times a year) and we always scheduled our vacations to spend time as a family. My wife becomes a completely different person when her daughter is around. She lights up, becomes a functional person, is happy beyond belief. Her ex-husband always used the daughter as a pawn in his payback game, he never put what was best for her first. Two years ago for my wife's last court ordered visitation, he decided that he wasn't going to comply with the order and send my step-daughter for Christmas. My wife was devastated. Her only recourse was to accept it or take him to court. So she did that latter. During this time the ex-husband's life fell apart. His parents died in a short time period, he had a heart attack/triple bypass, and he lost his job. After the court hearing and one last visit. My stepdaughter just disappeared. She will not answer her phone, return our calls, has taken us off of her FB page along with my wife's entire family. She obviously has a grudge about something, I have a couple of theories. The daughter has been poisoned against my wife for almost two decades. They would often blame my wife/stepdaughter for things going on in the family dynamics. Unfortunately, the poisoning of her mind I believe finally had it's influence. I think she may blame my wife for all of the horrible things that happened in her ex-husband's life.

Your story regarding your wife's custody of her daughter seems a little fishy to me. Custody is the one fluid aspect of divorce settlements. So once she was ready to have split custody, the courts should have granted as custody can be reevaluated by a judge at any time. That's what my attorney told me when I was granted full physical custody of my girls.

Today the courts favor a split custody situation. Your wife must have made decisions that made the courts feel she was not the best guardian. It is rare for a mom to not get at least split custody.

From the little information you have given, it's pretty clear that your wife's history is chalk full of waywardness. She doesn't commit, and she quits when the going gets rough. That has severely damaged every relationship she has had. To borrow from the Bard of Avon, "Past is prologue." I'm with Melody Lane. Plan B is your best option.

Its interestimg how you are cheerleading for your wife.
The way I read it is : "she abandoned her family and moved to Colorado to be with an abusive boyfriend"

I come from the perspective of a man whose wife abandoned the family and I have custody of my kids.

For what its worth, I dont think its possible to be a great parent for 4 visits a year.
Parenting is being there for your kids and providing for them.
Its very possible that your step daughter wasn't "poisoned" at all; rather she concluded that her mother doesnt show care for her and is establishing high boundaries to protect herself.

Thanks for your feedback Just. In response to your last comment about her waywardness, I agree. Now that I'm a victim of it, it does seem she is repetitiously committing the same pattern. When I first met her, the details only came in slowly. I was in too deep before I got the full story. I guess I didn't think it would happen to me.

Regarding her custody, I know for a fact it is as I say because I was the one who was more involved in the details of the case. During our time together, we attempted to change custody twice. Due to my education and background, legal matters are my strong suit. So I became familiar with the issues at hand.

In the first case my wife was called one day by my stepdaughter's stepmother, saying that my wife's ex had an affair and abandoned his daughter. She claimed she didn't have the financial means to take care of my stepdaughter. We drove to Tennessee and picked her up and had temp custody of her for six months. During that time the ex-husband and his wife reconciled, put on a front for the court and were able to get her back. Small town politics is my only understanding of such a travesty. What I have learned about child custody at least in reference to TN is the following. My wife had joint custody in MI, but she gave primary custody to the father due to the other relationship she was in (according to her). When you have joint, one parent is the primary and the other the secondary. Supposedly both parents are suppose to have equal rights, but that's all in theory. The primary is weighted to have more say in things and where the kids reside mostly, even though both are suppose to have equal rights. When my wife left MI for CO, her ex left MI and moved to TN. The law has a stipulation where if a parent leaves a state uncontested for a period of 6 months to a year depending on the state. The new state becomes the home state. So she didn't contest the move (stupid) and all future battles were held in TN.

Also Just, you are right custody can be reviewed at any time. In TN based on a filing by the contestant that says that there has been a Material Change in Circumstances. That has to be proven in order to change custody. Unless there is any abuse or the environment has been deemed unsafe, it is very hard to change custody in TN once established to the primary. Just, I don't know your story as well, but when you use the term 'Full' custody. Unless you spouse doesn't have rights to see his kids, or they are supervised, most likely you have Joint Custody and you are the primary custodian and he is secondary but has full rights, but they are deemed to live with you most of the time. By default, without extenuating circumstances this is what most parents are granted unless they are deemed unfit.

The courts do usually lean in favor of the mother unless they deem them unfit or the environment is unsafe. According, she was just stupid and gave up primary. Maybe that is a lie.

Hey Jedi, I really do appreciate your input, but the response that I'm 'cheerleading' for my wife is a bit inflammatory. I'm a person who always tries to be truthful and tell it how it is and present both sides. What I said was, "According to her, she got into an abusive relationship and she decided to move from Michigan to Colorado." My wife divorced her 1st husband and was in MI for a couple of years after before she moved to CO. So it wasn't right away. Maybe I didn't clarify that. I would say from what I know, I would at least partially agree with your assessment. I would say she abandoned her family when she left her ex. I would also say she abandoned her daughter to move with an abusive boyfriend when she left MI to come to CO and not stay close by her daughter.

I am upset and angry with my wife, but I'm not going to lie on her just to make myself look taller. I have went through this heart aching custody battle with my wife. She admits to being stupid in giving up primary custody to her ex and this has made it next to impossible to get custody going forward. People make mistakes, this was a very stupid one. But then again she continuously makes stupid mistakes. However, she had to play the hand she was dealt with after the mistake and she was only given 7 weeks of visitations (in 4 visits) a year. The law only says that you have to pay child support. The law doesn't make it mandatory that you visit with your child and a lot of deadbeats don't. I have to give my wife credit, in that she spent the $300-$500 each flight to bring her out to visit. Usually used most of her vacation to spend time with her while her daughter was here. She called her as much as possible, sent her presents regularly. She tried to do the best she could with what she had to deal with. Now in this regard, I'm playing cheerleader because I know that what happened. Regardless the one that suffered irreversibly is my stepdaughter. Used as a pawn by her father and more so by the stepmother believe it or not, in a sick game of pay back. Abandoned by a mentally dysfunctional mom. Jedi I would imagine you are a great father based on the fact you stuck around to be there for your children. But don't ever allow your personally feelings about your wife, taint your children. I have seen this first hand, the children suffer because they love both parents and have tons of pressure to please both sides. If you take the high ground I think they will appreciate you more when they become adults.

I agree with JK. I think your WW left for an affair. When the affair was over she looked at the damage she caused and "ran away". Nonetheless she is a serial cheater. I women won't leave children unless it's for another man. It has happened time and time again. As far as payback by the ex husband I think that was a lie manufactured by your WW to maintain self respect and sounds nothing more than wayward fog drivel. Sounds like your SS knows the truth now and despises her mother for her actions. Plain and simple. You are getting good advice here, Dr. Harley has said on the radio show Plan B is what's needed for drug abuse.

Tranquil thanks for your reply! I think you're right that my WW did cheat on her ex-husband and that lead to the their divorce. Your explanation of her suddenly leaving the state once she looked back at the carnage she caused, sounds spot on and is a good theory that I haven't thought of. I appreciate that perspective, I will think about that one more. As far as the ex-husband's pettiness, I witnessed it first hand over 12 years, so I know that it is true. I couldn't figure out why he is so bitter. I figured, 'dude, your remarried and have two more kids get over it.' But now that I'm dealing with what I am dealing with, I think he is bitter by the way she left, so sudden and absolute. Oh and for an affair. This combined with a relatively simple minded person, makes me understand why he is so bitter.

My wife just called me to talk about a business matter. Prior to the exposure, she was polite and easy to talk with. Tonight, she was an animal. She was very combative and started telling me how crazy I've been acting and that I'm a stalker. I was relatively calm during the call. I apologized for one of my actions yesterday and told her we shouldn't have seen each other. But she tried to hammer the point. I told her that I admitted it and apologized, but she wasn't going to turn the tables on me as she is the one who had an affair and me being a bit hostile/angry is expected in this situation. I don't think our employer hasn't even addressed the issue with her yet. Next week she is going to be livid. She told me that she is filing for divorce right away. I'm sure all of this is the fog that everyone is talking about, so I did my best to ignore it.

My question is if there is no more contact with OM, what is the approximate timeframe that people have noticed the fog to have lifted? Also does anyone believe that serial cheaters can change or is it hopeless at this point and I should just cut my losses?