i am a Dad of 2 and have been married for 17 years, with the help of this website and therapy i survived my wifes emotionl affair 5 years ago, 100% loyal in every way...and then i fell flat on my face. i fell into a bad depression, and another women about a year ago. after coming clean just 6 weeks into the emotional relationship, it was met with absolute out of control hysteria. Including ridicule and pyshyical abuse from her, and the children witnessed some of this. i left the house and got an apartment, could not tell them where i was(only a mile away)because of her violence and emotional abuse even in front of childre..i was and am an emotional depressed mess. I felt i had to leave for sake of children and to escape the horrifying situation that i had caused. My children witnessed and became invested in all of this, and want little or nothing to do with the father that would die for them. i miss my family more than words can say, i cannot live without my family...i initiated divorce as things escalted because i felt could never ever fix things. i miss my family, more than words can say. i dont know what to do, and in life...almost nothing worse than that (except loosing your family)

When you say you survived your wife's affair 5 years ago, what do you mean? Did you both institute Extraordinary Precautions? Doesn't sound like it. Did you and your wife work together to build a marriage that was better than the pre-A marriage?

What caused you to go into a depression a year ago?

Where did you meet your OW? Can you tell us more about your affair? Was it through work? Have you ended all contact with the OW?

Are the children with you? Does your wife have an anger problem in general, or did it mostly come about because of your affair?

You did the right thing by getting out of home, away from the abuse and anger of your wife. That's the first thing that will need to end to survive the infidelity of the marriage.

But I would avoid initiating divorce proceedings at this time. It will only serve to make your wife believe you care nothing at all for her.

I would write her a letter saying that you are extremely sorry for your affair and that you want very much to make amends. You would work with her to create a marriage that is better than it ever has been, a marriage that is passionate, romantic, and safe for both of you. But the first thing that needs to happen is for her to end her angry outbursts, because they are dangerous.

Have you had to call the police on her because of the physical attacks? If she has physically attacked you, Dr. Harley recommends calling the police. She should get into an anger management program that emphasizes relaxation.

If you are depressed, please consider calling your doctor and getting on ADs for a while. They will help you be evening out your emotions. That will help you make better decisions.

She had an emotional affair 5 years ago, i came here for help. The rebuilding was more of a forget it and move on remedy. i tried to implement MB principles...but settled on just having family back. I fold up very easily.

Have not eneded contact with OW, as i felt-feel it is all i have left.

My children were told i abandoned them, they witnessed horrible things, they even helped with her supervision moving me out, packed my car and youngest was told to grab the remote from my car. My daughters age 10 and 12 who were the absolute loves of my life and reason for being have been alienated.

Wife had some anger issues, cold issues prior, i can only sum it up by saying i recived 2 compliments in 2 years prior

we were a very child centered family, and im afraid thats gone forever.

I pay every bill, she has none, and i gave her all significant cash savings, and i pay 2 times required support.

i hardened after her emot affair, it hurt me as i thought i had done most things right. i sent her flowers, and begged and pleaded for it to end. I lost dignity, my life became just for them. and thats what i want it to be again.

So your marriage didn't truly survive your wife's affair. Dr. Harley describes "surviving an affair" as a marriage that is actually better than pre-A as well as made safe with Extraordinary Precautions. Sounds like the affair was just swept under the rug.

If you have any hope of saving your marriage, you must end contact with OW. If your wife knows you are still in contact with OW, she will rightfully conclude that your interests are still divided. The right thing to do is to end all contact with OW, and send her a letter of No Contact. Do you realize that relationships based on affairs are usually doomed to failure? Only about 95% make it to marriage and 2/3 of those fail. Affair partners don't make very good marital partners, because they have already proven they can be dishonest and selfish. Your OW presumably knows you are a married man.

Child-centered families are not often very romantic. The best marriage for children is one in which the parents put the marriage first and the children second.

Have you read the thread at the top of the SAA forum, called Start Here?

Let us know when you get serious. Can't help you if you are having an affair. I am not going to waste my valuable free time to help someone who is not serious.

What was your MB name then?

appreciate the honesty melody lane, and Sugar Cane, it was "Zeke", i was on the air as well with Harley's. prob 2008-2009 if i recall

Thank you, Lyons.

How did you state your problem in 2008, and what did Dr Harley advise?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&id=58902
was your name Zeke351?

Lyons,

So not only was the affair from 2008 not dealt with but the earlier affair was not dealt with either.

At that time you wrote that you had not exposed the affair to the OMW? Is that still the case?

God Bless
Gamma

no, only she had an emotional affair, around 2008-2009. The harleys advised exposure, his needs her needs book, worksheets etc. That was the earlier EA, and her only one. Yes it was swept under the rug, i asked for counseling, etc to no avail, but it just came down to me forgiving. i kind of did, but it hardened my heart.

cannot recall my exact user name at the time, cannot recall much of anything really, except i was so desperate i called the show on 2 occasions. my posts were mostly related to if my suspicions were correct, and what to do

You avoided answering if you will go No Contact with your OW affair partner.

Will you write her a NC, (No Contact letter), based on the templates available on this site and allow your Wife to read it first and approve the content?

LTL

it was zeke1122

i dont follow the "avoid ansewring comment"

oh, i understand, yes i avoided. my troubles are with me. she has some issues as well, and she insists no reponsibility in any of our issues PRIOR to me doing something i never in a million years would have believed. do i try at all cost, or is their more damage to be done given history and when i did tell her what had happened? i am so so lost, please dont get angry. i have been physically beaten by her after i told her, swerved car at me, police called by others etc. i now feel deserving of that treatment. but my children being 100% exposed to every detail is haunting me and afraid will never go away. i was a 100 percent dad and tried to be husband, i am not balaming everyone but me

oh, i understand, yes i avoided. my troubles are with me. she has some issues as well, and she insists no reponsibility in any of our issues PRIOR to me doing something i never in a million years would have believed. do i try at all cost, or is their more damage to be done given history and when i did tell her what had happened? i am so so lost, please dont get angry. i have been physically beaten by her after i told her, swerved car at me, police called by others etc. i now feel deserving of that treatment. but my children being 100% exposed to every detail is haunting me and afraid will never go away. i was a 100 percent dad and tried to be husband, i am not balaming everyone but me

Will you end your Affair immediately and write a NC letter or not?? You keep avoiding this question.


And your not 100 % dad when you are having an affair no matter what your circumstances are you are teaching your children a very negative trait.

i will sleep on this and be back on board tomorrow. can this be saved, praying for correct decision

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...rds=zeke1122&Search=true#Post1947594

This is your original thread