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MBMod IrishGreen
MBIrishGreen@gmail.com
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Hi, I'm the BW mentioned in this post. I have been very anxious about reaching out, but since my husband has taken the time, I figured I could as well. I will admit I am still trying to get a handle on my anger. Most days I do a pretty good job keeping it under control, but there are days where it just becomes too much. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the time in our lives when this happened and the fact that I did not, in NO way, see it coming. And the actions taking by my husband and the OW (my friend) that made me an active participant in their affair.
I want nothing more than for our marriage to make a complete recovery and I am turning to the Lord and everything that I do, but it's a constant fight with the enemy. I pray everyday that my heart will open back up, so that I may feel the love that I once had for my husband.
MBMod IrishGreen
MBIrishGreen@gmail.com
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Hi Nikster, thanks for signing up and posting to us. I am glad you are here. Do you want to start up your own thread so we can help you?
I am assuming the OW is completely and totally out of your lives? Am I right? And what is triggering you the MOST?
MBMod IrishGreen
MBIrishGreen@gmail.com
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I can start my own thread, all though I'm not really sure how to.
Yes, she is completely out of our lives, except for that fact that we all work for the same company. It's a retail company, so there are many stores and we don't work near each other or in the same district, but you never know when our paths might have to cross because of work. My H is quitting and has found a new job, so he won't run the same risk. My biggest trigger, I guess is just the "anniversary", if you will, of when this started. For instance it started Thanksgiving of last year til August, so from this past Thanksgiving until this August I can't help but let my mind go back to what "we" were doing a year ago and how he never gave me any signs... he was the perfect actor.
Thanks for your advice/help...
MBMod IrishGreen
MBIrishGreen@gmail.com
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Hello Nikster809 and welcome to Marriage Builders!
I did not see anything amiss with my marriage either, many of us did not see it coming. The reason for that is because we were not having interdependent lives in our marriage, and so it became easy for our spouse to have a "secret second life". Marriage Builders teaches us how to correct this by becoming totally transparent with each other, and also how to use the POJA (policy of joint agreement) and PORH (policy or radical honesty) in order to remain interdependent from here on in.
Are YOU still having to see the OW occasionally at your work?
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good! 
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I have not had any contact with her since the day she called me to tell me how much she admires me and my fight for my family.. The nerve. The company I work for sends us to a lot of training workshops, so I'm sure the day will come when we are scheduled for the same one.
My husband is doing a really good job at being completely transparent, but I'm still very cautious. There are days when I feel really good and I just know we will make, but there are days (that are getting fewer and far between) that I just don't know.
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Nikster, I would find another job. You don't even need to be around her ever again. It will throw you back to day 1 of recovery every time you see her. That is like the rape victim having to see her rapist over and over again. It will make you sick.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Cautious is very good Nikster. Is her number now blocked from your phones, emails, etc? Or better yet, can you get new numbers and emails so that she can never have contact again?
Melody is right. Find another job so that you will never have to fear running into her again. Any contact at all definitely throws you back to D-day.
Does this woman live near you at all?
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good!
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Unfortunately, with my husband starting a new job, and the financial stability my job provides right now, I don't see being able to leave my job right now. I also don't want to resent him down the road, as I've come a really long way in my career and I feel like that was ripped away from me as well. I do realize that my family is the most important part of my life, besides God of course, but I don't exactly trust my husband, suppose I quit my job and my husband has another change of heart?
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Oh, and yes she does live fairly close. We made a decision to short sale our home because I couldn't stomach living there anymore. We have moved to another city, but there are triggers everywhere.
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suppose I quit my job and my husband has another change of heart? You will never recover as long as the two of you cross paths every now and then. Every time you see her, it will trigger you back to square one. You need to change jobs FOR YOU, and YOUR recovery, even if you do not end up trying to recover your marriage.
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I have certainly considered a job change, but I need more time before I make a definite decision. I have been at my job since I was 16 and worked my way all the way to the top, I just have to make sure I'm at a good place mentally, so that I don't twist it into resentment. My husband wants me to quit as well, but he also has an overwhelming need to take care of me right now. I just don't want to blame him later on down the road for my career.
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I have certainly considered a job change, but I need more time before I make a definite decision. I have been at my job since I was 16 and worked my way all the way to the top, I just have to make sure I'm at a good place mentally, so that I don't twist it into resentment. My husband wants me to quit as well, but he also has an overwhelming need to take care of me right now. I just don't want to blame him later on down the road for my career. Nikster, blame has nothing to do with it; blame is a choice. You won't resent leaving the job, but you will resent his affair if you continue to hang around and run into the OW on occasion. Every encounter will put you back to day 1 of recovery. You need to get out of there and get a new job. Your resentment about the affair, job change, etc, will all fade *IF* you replace it with a happy, romantic marriage. You aren't likely to do that if you run into the OW over and over again. You need to get out of there. Get that ho out of your lives for good.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have certainly considered a job change, but I need more time before I make a definite decision. I have been at my job since I was 16 and worked my way all the way to the top, I just have to make sure I'm at a good place mentally, so that I don't twist it into resentment. My husband wants me to quit as well, but he also has an overwhelming need to take care of me right now. I just don't want to blame him later on down the road for my career. Nikster: Now I understand your trepidation on leaving... you haven't changed jobs before! I really do understand the scariness of making a change, rather than staying in the environment that you know. Please know that your experience and skill set is valuable at other businesses as well. You will not be starting at the bottom. You may even find that you can move up to a position that suits you better than the one you have. I encourage you to begin checking it out. Nowadays, most people do not stay at the same company for their career. Look at it as a positive, not a negative!
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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