I've only been remarried a few months and yeah I'm here. I met husband online. Here are a few oif my experiences in my dating about a year online.

I met four nice guys including H out of at least 12 or so initial meetings. One was going through a three year custody battle and we didn't date but he was very nice and could have been the right one if he had been divorced. One had been divorced three years but just didn't have the time for the kind of relationship I wanted. One had been divorced a few years but not really over it and I suspected a drinking problem. These were the normal ones.

I met several cheaters. Those only interested in the next best thing. Always keeping a profile open on multiple sites.

One guy was wealthy and seemed nice. Traveled for work. We were in contact for weeks. Two dates. On the second date I found out he had a foot fetish and because my apartment would fit in his kitchen that I should drop my panties for him immediately. When I didn't he told me I was an intimacy avoider. Ummmm no. I love intimacy. He stalked me a bit but then disappeared.

A couple just wanted sex. Immediately. I actually could have dated every night if I wanted. I got that many responses. I was not committed to any one person but casually dating a few when I met Hubby. Who told me he wasn't interested in anyone else pretty right away. But he also said that he had no reasonable expectation I would not stop dating everyone else. He wanted to. I did.

I agree and I really just posted this because things are never as simple as we would like. Healing and pieces of paper do not necessarily match up in a tidy way.

Yes, NED what happened? You ok?

Yes, tc, Z, thanks, I'm okay, we've survived a *lot* worse, right?! I don't have much hope but for the moment I'm still trying to resolve things here. I'll be able to make more sense of it in hindsight I think.

Just figured it would be good to give folks a heads-up to keep this kinda thing from happening to anyone else.

I lie of that magnitude is astonishing (seriously not being divorced and engaged to another woman).

Why aren't you running?

That's why we're all here though right? Because sometimes we want to deal with the unfinished business before moving on. It's hard to turn on a dime, but I'm in the right place and going in the right direction so i have a lot of faith I'll get there.

Uggh, I feel for you NED. What a mess.

I think what we would all like a is relationship where our needs are met by someone we trust, and limited negative relational drama, it doesn't sound like your dude is on the right track to providing that.

I have had this experience more than once with online men - saying they are divorced when they really are not yet. Definitely anyone dating someone who says they are divorced should verify it ASAP.

I don't expect a man to be a completely open book out of the gate but if we can't get something like marital status straight then there is a serious honesty issue.

Yuck and good bye.

Well.....I have a story that beats all of this.....
can anyone guess what it might be?

Remember the first time your the victim ... if you go back then that makes you a volunteer.

What unfinished business is there? You've been here long enough to know the likelihood of someone at his age to change that habit (lying is a very very bad habit) is slim to none.

Granted anyone can change ... I accept that and am hopeful in people...but what part of marriage builders didn't he understand? Seriously ... if there is one thing on this forum that holds true, most if not all people understand thou shalt not lie EVER anymore!!! It's the basic foundation to everything.

So an update on me. I've been talking to the exWW about possible reconciliation. She has come to the place where she realizes that relationships need to be built and figures that it makes a lot of sense to build one with me because we can have our family back which isn't something that any other man can provide.

This is got my attention because it's inline with MB principles and because it shows a lot of growth on her part, but there are so many things we aren't aligned on, and I just wonder how much basic compatibility is required.

I know that Harley says that you can build compatibility and build a relationship that perhaps was never there, but I get the feeling that he only recommends this to heal a marriage, not to start a new relationship. So does post divorce count as healing a marriage or a new relationship?

If I met a girl that had the same disagreements as my exWW I would move on pretty quickly. As an example one thing we aren't in agreement on is tattoos and piercings. I tend to be old fashioned and find it ugly, she wants to let the boys pierce their ears, finds tattoos to be attractive, and wants me to get my ear pierced. It's like we live in two different worlds, and honestly I just don't want to deal with it.

One thing is for sure, this isn't helping me move on and be available to someone else.

It isn't helping you move on?
Thats why Harley recommends no contact with ex spouses. .....

If you go to the SAA thread you will see several marriages recovered after divorce.
Im going to post them here (after dinner)....

Harley addresses remarriage quite often and I would encourage you to email him your questions.
As a basic rule, the POJA must be followed.

I am so sorry, NED.

Not sure if people on the forum have ever done a background check, but in my states there are good (FREE) online tools that show every court record: divorces, bankruptcies, foreclosures, arrests, etc. I look up every potential person and it's been helpful every time. That's how I found "the Felon" - and also how I knew one guy had lost his home before he ever told me...he was honest about it (I just waited for him to bring it up...he did, as soon as the relationship had progressed enough that he felt it was important - about 3 weeks). Anyway, perhaps you did this? Perhaps he lied and said the divorce happened in another state?

Again, I'm very very sorry NED. Things seemed to be going so well. ((((hugs))))

Wow, ak1. That is quite the newsworthy event.

And what a great question for Dr. Harley. I do hope you'll keep us posted on your progress?

I suppose I could email the show, but I pretty much already know the answer, he will say that if she can do POJA then that is the best option because we can have our family together, but if she isn't willing to implement POJA, radical honesty, extraordinary precautions then things will be very difficult at best and at worst, a repeat of the past.

Another thing he would ask about is if she is a buyer. Her words indicate that she is now, but there are 15 years prior actions that say otherwise.

Basically I need to figure out if I can trust her to do these things, or if it's just words.

One thing is for sure, she will need to start meeting my needs in pretty extraordinary ways if I will be able to get past what she has done. I'm usually not the bitter or resentful type, but I am a bit irritated that took 3 years, an affair, dating, other sexual relationships, and burning through a huge pile of money for her to figure out that relationships need to be built, and that she is responsible for her choices.

I guess that is the most difficult part of reconciliation. If I met a new girl that did the same things, but changed her ways, was now a good fit for me, and a buyer, I would be fine with it because she wasn't disrespectful to me, nor did it come at my direct expense.

Ak, I bumped your original thread in SAA and you should post there for more experienced replies

Yea, I don't like that thread, it was a younger, less mature, more pathetic version of me. I should have done the nuclear exposure, got very strong about what I needed to do for me the the boys, but instead I was hurt and weak.

Interestingly, I mentioned this to a friend of mine a few years ago and he said his first wife had an affair and he did the same thing, and she left. His second wife also had an affair, and he pointed to the door and told her she is free to go. They are still married today.

Looking back at it the issue was two fold. I was just too insecure and had my own issues, and she can be pretty narcissistic. She has charm, is outgoing, witty, smart, good looking, so it's easy to get sucked in, but then you find out it's all about her.

Here is more information:

http://thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissists-charm/

Anyway, I'm thankful for the hard lessons won, as I am not that man anymore. I've had very good boundaries with her, and I'm not getting sucked in, but I do want to give our family a chance..... from a safe distance.

I'll know what the deal is pretty soon.

This would be something I personally would love to hear Dr. Harley's opinion on: how can you tell if someone 'will become' a buyer v. when it's just words?

In this case, your xWW...and more broadly, any dating prospect. Just because a 'new' person says all the right things, what are the indicators that he/she would become a true buyer?

Thanks for sharing, ak! This must be difficult for you, and I really appreciate learning from your situation.

Ak, if she's changed it will show in how she treats your kids. When they are upset, does she still make it all about her or is she there for them. Wait for the tough days and observe, that's when you learn the most. I'm so sorry though, that really stinks.

Z, I'm an idiot, I did look at the local court website at the beginning, but I was looking for what was there instead of what wasn't. Now I would know going forward to check make sure it is there.

Ned,

Are you saying that the man you are engaged to lied?