Jedi, were you the one with some news or was that ak?

Yes, my fiancee lied about being divorced when we started dating and got engaged. I agreed to try IC with our pastor but I think I want to back out now, I don't see a plan where I could rebuild trust with him.

that's truly a bad foundation

Ak,

I think reconciliation is a terrible idea.
An 11 year affair!
what happened to the great lover for life? Did they break up?

I think she's evil to do this to you and her motivations fpr reconciliation are purely selfish

NED ..you are an outstanding catch. You have so much going for you. It makes me so angry someone would do that to you. I always fall back on the one standing principle here that a man willing to date while still married will never and would never be the quality of person to ever hold the sanctity of marriage to the level you deserve.

The foundation for lasting love is the ability to demonstrate proper care no matter what is happening ... so I take that to mean every second of my life it is my duty to demonstrate proper care to all those in my life no matter how frustrated, angry, annoyed, tired, happy, joyful, etc. I am ... proper care is proper care (that black and white in my book)!

This man showed you lack of care and has robbed you of finding a good quality person that you so deserve. He used manipulation to keep you in the relationship and you didn't get a vote in it ...! How utterly cruel of this man.

Remember you are the Gem ... you are the one who deserves proper care. You are worth every penny

Well, this other guy is scum and she sees it now. Keep in mind that after he got married she didn't see or talk to him for 5 or more years, it wasn't until 2010ish that he surfaced again.

The physical affair didn't happen until 2011 and as soon as his wife found out that was the end of that and he's been gone ever since.

But I do think you are right, she has a pretty good history of self serving and sucking other men in. If it wasn't for my family I would have moved and gotten away. Maybe I still should.

ak

Jedi man, yes, that's a foundation of sand for sure. HomeSweetHome, thanks so much for the reminder and the kind words!
And ak, if your wife has really changed she will know it will take consistency over time in order to trust in her again.

[quote=ak1]I don't think I've ever read about a situation like mine so I'm looking for some help.

11 years ago I married my wife. She has been a good wife all of this time, but we have struggled. Last week I find out that she has been seeing another guy. She didn't want to have an 'affair' because she didn't want to destroy our family, so she just kissed and hugged and made out with this guy.

Well I finally figured it out and after lots of problems and tears she finally tells me that she has been doing it off and on with this guy (old boyfriend) for all 11 years.

It then comes out that she never liked me and just married me because I begged.

Now about me: I haven't treated my wife very well and for the most part wouldn't do anything for her. I've been a terrible husband and a real jerk.

Now we are in a position where I realize what I've done, and she realizes what she has done, but we are back to square one.

I want her so bad that I'm smuthering her, and she really doesn't like the old me (the jerk that wouldn't do anything for her) or the new me which tries to do everything for her and probably feels like I grovel and beg.

The situation seems hopeless since she really never loved me, there has never been sparks for me, and now we have 2 kids and don't want to break up the family.

My question is how do I make my wife fall in love with me the first time?

Over the last 11 years she seemed to deal with me abandoning her better than she is dealing with me smuthering her now, so perhaps I should just give her some space[quote]

Accoring to your poat above, her affair lasted 11 years

Kinda, the effects of the affair. Even during the 5 years that the other guy wasn't around, she still had a huge emotional attraction to him and didn't allow him to fade away.

He is gone and 3000 miles away now, so that doesn't matter, what matters is if she has changed her ways and can meet my needs.

I wouldn't do it
Has she even apologized?

I'm going to spend the weekend with her in a neighboring town to talk about things and see something we wanted to go see while we were married. This might be the best thing to ever happen to our family, or it may end with another fight and broken hearts, but I've decided that it's worth the chance at healing our family.

Yes, she has apologized and owned her side as well as verbalized what I've done to hurt her and what needs to happen in order to address that. We both have a way better understanding of what we need to be happy and to resolve the past. If that wasn't in place I wouldn't consider working things out with her.

I may start a new thread about this in the next few days, but for now, I would like to leave it where it is at because I've come to trust and respect the peeps that frequent this part of the site, and don't want to read through the affair stuff anymore since it just stinking hurts.

ak

What matters is she willing to close off her lovebank from other guys? Her boundaries are your danger not her meeting your needs. She can meet them all day long but unless she closes her lovebank to all others you're scrooby doo'd.

I understand the affair stuff hurts to read BUT the affair stuff is factual.
Your hopes are not. It is hope.

Dont surrender rational thinking for hope

Real hope comes from following a plan that has a proven track record of working. When you do that, you can be hopeful, because there is a real rational basis for your hope. Otherwise you are just whistling in the dark, and you will keep trying to make yourself FEEL hope, but it will be less and less successful. Reality always catches up.

ak, as a FWW, I can confirm that I badly wanted to save my marriage after the fog lifted. I was ready and willing to create a romantic, honest, MB marriage.

I'm glad you're meeting her and giving it a chance. You know best how to read the situation, and you know now that no one is 100% baggage-free, and if things work out with the mother of your children, it could be amazing.

Please keep us posted

My hope for a healthy marriage is based on radical honesty, extraordinary precautions, POJA, meeting each other's needs, and eliminating love busters. Any girl I marry (or date for any length of time) must be absolutely on board with these principles, regardless if we had a previous marriage or not.

She has shown interest in these principles, and so it would be foolish for me to ignore that due to my own bitterness.

I know that I'm risking getting hurt again, but not significantly more so than any other woman I may date.

Look at it this way, at least I know she is actually divorced and I know her family and past as well.

Ak,

She has ruined your family.
That is the fact.

You are feeling with your heart rather than your mind, friend.

I think I made the same mistake again.
I spoke with a woman for 2 1/2 hours last night on the phone, from okcupid.
Her profile seemed great...she's consistently worked in the same field her entire life, shes taking college courses on the side...
except she has 4 kids.....from 5 to 12.

She also professes a strong desire to follow Gods Word and her oldest two children have been baptized.
( although the kids are from 3 different fathers, the oldest from a marriage the younger two from boyfriends)

And....while speaking she talked about her enthusiasm for fitness and told me she has lost 100 pounds in the past year and is close to being on target......

Here's my problem: im obviously the worst picture analyzer in modern history.
If Kennedy hired me to look at aerial photos over Cuba I wouldn't raise any red flags whatsoever!

Im going to get a babysitter set up and go out with her next week...

Hmmm.

Red flags for you JK.
The different men she had children with........loosing 100 pounds.

You already mentioned fitness is important to you and there are MANY lovely women who never had a weight problem and never had many different intimate relationships resulting in having children with each of them.

My suggestion

keep looking to date women who are okay with you having custody of your kids and either have children of their own from a past marriage or think being with a custodial father is endearing.

It is a good idea to meet people sooner rather than talk forever on the phone and message them. Then, you don't get your love bank filled on false ideas about them.

Negative, I'm feeling with both. I am well aware of what she did, and I'm also aware of what I did. Waywards don't become waywards for no reason. I didn't care for her the way she needed. That isn't an excuse or justification, she is accountable for what she did, but that isn't an excuse or justification for how I treated her either, I'm also accountable for what I did.

I know you mean well and are trying to help, but you may want to examine your own heart. If she has changed, then she would seek to un-ruin her family, and if that is true, then it would be foolish on my part to prevent it due to my bitterness.

Your words seem pretty bitter to me. Have you forgiven your ex wife? I'm not saying you have to reconcile or even speak to her, but if you haven't let it go then that will affect all other areas of your life.

I know I'm being hypocritical here as I've also posted strong words in response to you meeting women that lied about their divorce, but Reading is right, they are lonely lost people that are trying to find their way. I think they should be avoided, and that they aren't good dating material, but we shouldn't use our bitter past to condemn them either.

Perhaps when you run into this again you might just say that you are sorry to hear that they are still married and that is a big deal to you and that you don't feel comfortable continuing, using the most polite and respectful tone possible.

This is something I've been learning from Zhamila. She is very careful to be respectful and kind and not stereotype people based on their actions, even if it reminds us of our very hurtful past.

ak1,

Is she willing to follow the MB program? Do the online program?

Is she willing to give you a list of EPs?