The roots are enwound deeply beneath the earth. Fruit bursts forth with promise this spring.

Yet there are new enemies on the horizon. I may be my own enemy in the long term by going into my marriage with children I was already committed to for life, no matter what. If my H finds ally to his perspective on my oldest child's viability and rejects my inherent interest, I must change the scope of my recovery.

Now here comes Pollyanna (cynicism noted): UA time is now compromised. FWH is quitting smoking. He is working more and earlier hours. The kids don't go to bed until 10. I am learning to be okay with myself. I am a good companion for me, and I don't have to feel disappointment when my spouse goes to bed early. I just forgot what to do when I am alone. UA time has been a fortress.

I once said my FWH has always been kind of wayward. He's fixing all of that now, and I sometimes feel adrift, not knowing what to expect next, how the next relapse will affect me, affect our family. He is eschewing all love busters (he's not using this program nor is he familiar with its tenets, but somehow he knows). He's putting his energy into work at his job and with the kids.

The 4-5x /week SF I really need. His meeting the Big Four I really miss.

We are raising two nine-year-olds and a 2yo grandchild. I am working FT and trying to stay grounded.

Please tell me, anyone? Exactly how do you stop asking about The Affair? How do you stop thinking about it? How do you ever forget your spouse wanted someone else whose countenance and whose children seemed more pleasant? What can I do to forget about/move beyond/ get over that?

Please post concrete advice in text (if possible) for how to stop talking about, and how to stop thinking about, FWS's A.

Have you seen this and listened to the clips?

How is your UA time?
Managing Memories and Dealing with Triggers

You need to make your present marriage the best it can be. If you do that, you will be content to stay in the here and now and not keep going back to the past. Much of the anxiety in your earlier posts suggest difficulties in improving your present marriage. You need to put your attention into addressing the issues of the present. Don't talk about the affair, rather, talk about *now*. Accept that you will never "understand" the affair. It doesn't make sense to you because it doesn't make sense. Thinking about it won't cause it to make more sense, and the further you get into recovery, the less likely it is that your spouse will even be able to explain his former foggy self.

Why is he not here, working the program?
This should be a deal-breaker.
He should be giving you Just Compensation -- working to build a romantic relationship with you.
When he does that, you will have an easier time leaving the past in the past.

You forget about it by making the present happy. You use this program to make your marriage a happy, romantic, fulfilling marriage. When the present is happy, your mind does not go to the past. But when recovery is not complete, resentment grows and grows and the unhappiness of the past stays in the present.

And the way you create a happy marriage is by using this program in its entirety, most especially 15+ hours per week of undivided attention time. This program does not work without that step.


This is where you should start. Start by planning 4 - 4 hour dates per week of undivided attention time OUT OF THE HOME, when you are the most energetic. For example, my DH and I go out around 5:30 to 8 on weeknights and then in the afternoon and the evenings on the weekends. Sit down together once a week and write out your schedule for the upcoming week. Write out the times, dates, planned activities. Time that is scheduled is harder to put off.

Iaintready, can you tell me about the OW? Does she live close by? Where did your H meet her? Do they EVER see each other? Do you see her?

Is she married?

Never mind, I got caught up on your thread and now remember the whole story. One of the issues was your husband's opposite sex friendships and his use of social networking sites like facebook. Has he agreed to end all OS friendships and delete facebook?

Those are the kinds of things that serve as triggers and I wonder if that is not a big part of the problem? I found this post you wrote on 6-2-12:


Is he still doing things like this?

No, ML, that was the last time he's done anything of that sort.

[MrEureka=/quote]You need to make your present marriage the best it can be. If you do that, you will be content to stay in the here and now and not keep going back to the past. Much of the anxiety in your earlier posts suggest difficulties in improving your present marriage. You need to put your attention into addressing the issues of the present. Don't talk about the affair, rather, talk about *now*. Accept that you will never "understand" the affair. It doesn't make sense to you because it doesn't make sense. Thinking about it won't cause it to make more sense, and the further you get into recovery, the less likely it is that your spouse will even be able to explain his former foggy self.[/quote]

Thank you MrE for your concrete advice. You're right - the A will never make sense to me, or to him for that matter, because he was insane in its duration.

He is giving me Just Compensation. I hesitate to talk about MB because he believed my interest in marriage-building relates to my thinking about the A.

Our UA time changed because he quit smoking. I'll have to quit, too, and we'll find new things to do together.

How do I go about having my user name changed to IARTQ? I'm not sure of the best way to contact a moderator.

DH is not enthusiastic about me posting because it's his life on the internet too. He would know who I am here, and RL others might too, by my user name because of song lyrics DH & I listened to together, and by content I have posted.

I want to talk to him about MB, and I have given him a few of Harley's articles to read, but he associates MB and my interest in marriage with how I helped him kill his EA. If it weren't for what I learned reading here, I would not have had the tools to work on a real recovery after the false ones.

Two love busters right there: 1) The Educating Spouse (DJ), 2) Reminding him how he hurt me (DJ or something worse???),

Triggering his LB's 1) Angry outbursts that make my heart beat too fast, full of; 2) Disrespectful judgements that trigger my crying, that then triggers more of his AO's, then dismissiveness (comtempt), then his Independent Behavior.

DH doesn't like the idea of following a plan, though MB was an EP he agreed to 1.6 years ago. The other EPs he agreed to are still fully in place: DH has been diligent, open, and honest. DH is giving me admiration, and more DS and FS lately. SF IC and UA have slacked off, and I have been SDing about that, thus he reacts with AO DJ and IB.

I value your ideas and opinions. Your stories and experiences with the MB program helped me save my marriage.

To change your Display name---

Go to the top of this page to "My Stuff" Click on that

Go to Edit Profile

Go to Change Display name

Enter your new name & click on Submit...

Good Luck

IARTQ, I will be honest with you. You are not in recovery and have a huge problem on your hands. For your husband to even believe these principles are negotiable tells me you have lowered the bar so low that recovery is impossible. He has angry outbursts? He doesn't like Marriage Builders? MB is only a program for recovery, so that tells me he is not serious about recovery.

He is not serious because you are not holding him accountable.

Unless you and your husband take this seriously, I predict you will be back here reporting another affair. That is what happens when marriages do not recover.

If your husband won't get on board, I would strongly suggest you start coaching with Steve Harley and get Steve to get him on board. You have nothing to lose here. I would go counsel with Steve on your own and get his suggestions on the best way to get your husband on board. You don't have a marriage otherwise.

My H and I are both committed and sincere about rebuilding our marriage. He faithfully keeps all EPs as proscribed in the beginning. I have not lowered the bar, and he is quite accountable. We spend nearly all our leisure time together, and we are passionately in love with eachother.

I tend to post in times of stress. In the past few months my H is working full time again, and struggling with quitting smoking. These are changes we are working through. We have many challenges with our 5 children and our family. If LB's continue, we'll call Dr. Harley before pursuing other types of marriage counseling.

My previous LB's to my husband as a wife who spent too much time message boarding and getting closer to online friends than I was to him, and denying him the UA time with me he needed (and asked for, for years), keep me from updating during times of peace and blissful rediscovery of our love.

January 6 has been historically disastrous

Being cryptic does not bring help.

TheRoad is right. How are you doing?

I am sorry that this date is a trigger for you.

A successful recovery has a lot to do with remaining in the present and doing things that make the present a wonderful place to be. So, what special thing can you do today?

I agree. Replace any triggers with something better in the present. Do something special and unique today and take this date back so it belongs to you.