I would actually love to listen to it too.

Harley asked , When someone says "I love you," what does that mean?
He answered: it means I love you so I will show care for you. I show care for you through meeting your emotional needs, avoiding love busters, giving you my time, my sexual fidelity etc.

Thats what MB is based on, like a pyramid:

Love
how do we love? By following the MB program

Here you go.
Radio Clip of 12-30-13 Show
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4
Segment #5

Writer,

the reason I asked earlier whether you were on anti-depressants is that you sound discouraged, like a person might who is depressed, and given all you've been through recently, depression would certainly be possible.

I have frequently heard Dr. Harley recommend antidepressants on the radio show, to give folks the energy and focus to do what needs to be done -- 15 hours of UA time, POJA, avoiding lovebusters and meeting needs.

But maybe you are already on an antidepressant?

It sounds like you have several positive reasons to invest in improving your marriage.

No, I have never taken antidepressants. I'm actually not big on taking lots of medications. I watched my mother spend years on dozens of different medications for diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, gout, etc. and I often wondered if all of those medicines she was on were just making her problems worse. I don't have a lot of faith in traditional medicine. I prefer to try and tackle things in a more holistic, natural way.

But that isn't working for you, is it?

I know exactly how you feel about the medications - that's the way I tend, too. But after slogging through this for a couple of years trying to follow all of Dr. Harley's suggestions and ignore that one, I finally took his advice and tried antidepressants a year ago. I was on them three months, and the outcome was fantastic.

Writer, I would seriously look into Wellbutrin that Dr Harley recommends. I have tried at least 3 other AD's and had come to the conclusion that they were a gimmick, until I decided to follow his recommendation. The side effects are zero, and I have had a significant improvement in outlook despite it being January and we live north of 60 degrees latitude.

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No, I have never taken antidepressants. I'm actually not big on taking lots of medications. I watched my mother spend years on dozens of different medications for diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, gout, etc. and I often wondered if all of those medicines she was on were just making her problems worse. I don't have a lot of faith in traditional medicine. I prefer to try and tackle things in a more holistic, natural way. [/quote]

Have you tried exercise?
It literally kills depression.
Specifically running or aerobics.

Writer,

Reading here on the boards about Dr. Harley's recommendation to try Anti-D's when chaos/stress/uncertainty is going on in a marriage prompted me to try them also.

I am now on the lowest dose of Wellbutrin (SR 100mg), and it has helped my outlook significantly. I take it in the morning because if you take it later in the day it will increase the possibility of seizures and other side effects. Wellbutrin (especially the lower doses) has the lowest side effect possibility of all the Anti-D medication.

You have gone through a lot the past year. I think you will know within 2-3 weeks if it will help, and I think it is worth a try. Please understand that we are all wanting you to feel better and to heal. We are suggesting things because we care.

I've read the side effects of this medication and they sound a little daunting, especially the nausea/vomiting and the possibility of seizures. I have a very sensitive stomach and pretty much any medication that can possibly cause nausea does for me. In fact, I often suffer from nausea even when I don't take any medications. I even have to be careful about the food I eat.

I have found this be true for me. I know I feel much better when I exercise. I try to walk at least 3-4 times a week, but I admit I haven't been doing it much lately since DD5 is still on winter break and doesn't go back to school for another week. It's hard to do my usual walk (2.5-3 miles) with a 5-year-old. I normally do this while she is at school.

I've thought about joining a gym. There is one down the street from us. I haven't had much success with gyms in the past. I tend to get bored by the repetitiveness of it. I really prefer being out in nature, walking and hiking.

I think that's one of my problems right now - nature deficit disorder. Where we used to live, I could walk everywhere - park, library, stores. There was a lovely manmade lake/duck pond right across the street where we would walk almost daily and a regional park with hiking trails half a mile from our apartment. But here, there is nothing. I live in a pretty rough area of town so I don't feel comfortable leaving our condo complex alone. We are really close to the freeway and it's just noisy and not very nice here at all. I have to drive quite a ways to get to anything I would want to walk around, and even then, it's basically just walking paths in between housing complexes. Walking here isn't fun like it was where we used to live, so I find myself not doing it as much.

When we move, that is going to be a priority - finding a place that has nature nearby and lots of outdoor and walking/hiking opportunities.

Are you working on this? How are your plans going?

My husband is applying to lots of jobs. Just waiting to see what happens with that.

Writer, any word on how long probate will take? How much will you get from your Mom's estate?

It would be awful if, after everything you have gone through, you are still stuck in your current location waiting for hubby to land a job�which he has been trying to do for quite a while.

No probate. My mother had a living will and I was the only benefactor. No other real relatives other than my kids and one brother.

My husband just got his MBA in October, and he stopped looking for jobs during my mother's illness, so he hasn't really looked much post earning his degree. I'm hoping the degree will make him more marketable.

I hope you are looking in lower-cost areas of the country.

Do you see any point in giving notice and getting out of your larger apartment? I would hate to see your money drain away while you pay a high rent for a place you no longer need.

Most places would have a lower cost of living than So-Cal I would think.

We really don't want to move to a cheaper place here. There is significant costs involved in moving - security deposit, the cost of a moving van, boxes, etc. Then there is the pain of having to pack everything up, move it, and unpack again. I think it would only be worth it if we planned on staying in the area for awhile, and we really don't want to do that.

Is your H targeting jobs in specific states that would allow you to buy a place outright, and that have a nice outdoors lifestyle?

Is your H looking at a wife range of jobs, not just those in his field? I hear on the news over here about an uptake jobs in the oil industry. I've no idea what skills are required, but would your H apply for an onshore oil-based job?

He is looking in a variety of different areas, though we probably would not have enough money to buy a house with cash in most places. I'm sure there are areas where we could, like Detroit, but probably not too many we would actually want to live in. Places with outdoor opportunities and lots of nature are definitely high on our list.

He's mostly looking in the business field. He has an MBA and all of his experience is in an office setting. He's looking at a variety of management, sales, and marketing jobs. He's about the least technically adept man I have ever met, so anything that requires a lot of hands-on tech stuff just won't work. I guess we all have to work within the realms of our own skills and abilities, and working with his hands just isn't one of my husband's strong points.

Hi writer. I don't post much in the open forums, but I was asked specifically to come and post to you. I took the opportunity to read/skim through your entire thread. I first want to say that I'm sorry about your mom.

There are a few things I want to quote from posts you made on this thread.

This post is from April 2013. Circumstances aren't the same, but there's a lot going on still that you aren't enthusiastic about. Also, note the highlighted part. It seems to be a theme throughout your thread.

This post is from September 2013. You're still not enthusiastic about what's going on in your home. Again, note the red highlighted part.

This particular post stood out to me in another way as well. Note the blue highlighted words. Your husband is a freeloader. Only freeloaders think this way and it's clear throughout your thread that's the way he thinks and that you should put up with it.


And most recently less than a week ago. You're still not enthusiastic about what's going on and in all your attempts to talk to your husband over the past year you still feel alone.


I know your most recent posts state that your husband is willing to give MB a try, but how much longer are you going to wait until you run out of time? Words are nothing, actions are everything. If he's not acting (which he isn't, he's still "looking" for a job, "willing" to give MB a try) then it's time to take action yourself.

In Dr. Harley's newest book, He wins She wins, Dr. Harley specifically talks about spouses going into plan B because of neglect. YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM NEGLECT! You are not getting your needs met. Even after complaining time and time again. Your husband has clearly stated that he's a freeloader. It's time for you to take your own actions. You can't wait for him any longer.

I post this exact paragraph to another poster going through something similar to you:

Plan B may not resolve the issues you and your husband have as a couple. Your DH may not decide to join you. But it WILL resolve YOUR issues. I was told in the beginning of my journey that regardless of what my now xh chooses, MB works. It may not work in the way you envisioned or wanted for yourself, but it works. I can testify that what I was told, and am telling you, is that is the truth. No matter what happens, you will be a better person if you follow the plan.

At this point your daughter is 5 years old. It's been 5 years since your affair. All this time you may have wanted to believe that you and your husband were in recovery. But if your husband doesn't join you working the MB plan, then you guys haven't really been in recovery.

I worked the marriage builders plan. I am in recovery. I couldn't be happier. Am I married? No. Would I ever go back to my ex given the chance? No. Wanna know why? Because being in recovery showed me what my ex is really like and showed me that I am worth much more than that! I deserve to have my needs met and I deserve to have the desire to meet the needs of a man I love.

You deserve the same thing writer. Take a good look at what your marriage has been like. Make a plan for yourself. Will you follow the MB plan? or will you continue to follow your husbands freeloader plan?